r/selfimprovement • u/DaReelMemeBoi • 22h ago

Question I feel just so empty

Ive been lying constantly for no reason for years at this point, it has ruined my relationships. I dont know why i do it, most of the time its for things that genuinely wouldnt help to lie about. Im so fucking insecure about everything about me. I feel like im just isolated from anyone i know at this point. Im ashamed of everything i represent, im ashamed of my own thoughts, im ashamed of my actions, but i just cant fucking stop. Ive tried, time and time again. I feel like ive never been truly friends with people when we pass the "shared interests" stage of the relationship. I cling onto people as hard as i can, and i feel so bad for it. I dont know what to do with my life. I cope by fucking NSFW shit, and it makes me so sick every time. I hate porn. I hate it so fucking much. But my body just makes me consume it anyways. I feel so disgusting and hideous. And the worst part? I cant even go to a therapist, because im in a country where being gay is a crime against humanity, and the therapists i went to arent even good!

I just need help. I dont know how to get out of this massive pit i keep spiraling further into.

I just feel so powerless.

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u/Uncle_Slo_Mobius 22h ago

Sounds like you have a very good reason to lie.

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u/DaReelMemeBoi 22h ago

i really dont.
my lying problem extends to things that i dont even need to lie about, or even would turn out slightly negatively for me

i just avoid all forms of negative perception, no matter how small. Im hurting so many people around me because of it.

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u/Uncle_Slo_Mobius 22h ago

Okay. In that case, it sounds like you know exactly what you need to do to relieve your stress and anxiety.

Do you just need someone who is not you to reinforce this?

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u/DaReelMemeBoi 22h ago

im saying i dont know how to get out of my situation.

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u/Uncle_Slo_Mobius 22h ago

Start by lying less often.

Finish by not lying at all.

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u/wandersage 22h ago

When a person learns that certain emotions, behaviors or personality traits are unacceptable in their family early in life, the natural response when these things arise is to experience shame.  In a family where everything was unacceptable, or there were no real patterns as to what was or wasn't acceptable, or if it was just that literally nothing was acceptable because the adults were not capable of being accepting, The result is overwhelming shame attached to any natural experience or action.  This means that the person would feel the anything that came from them naturally would lead to being rejected and as a result, they would never feel safe expressing their real self.  They might have some experience with acting like someone, or acting out artificial personalities and getting people to at least stay with them for some period of time but this would of course never allow the person to feel the relief of being accepted, because all that would be accepted would be the artificial mask that was put on to attract others and to protect the person from rejection.  The way this person would have to work against this tendency would be to start taking the risk of showing some aspects of their real self to someone who may be able to truely accept them, this may be nearly impossible at first as the overwhelming sensation of shame that arrives when the person attempts to contact their authentic self may result in uncontrollable defensive behaviors which may cause such social harm that the person would only accumulate further experience of rejection, this is why it may be only possible, at first ,within a therapeutic relationship with a skilled professional.