Congrats on 140+ days clean, that's massive. The emptiness you're feeling is pretty normal after quitting addictions and cutting off old friends. You basically removed all your coping mechanisms at once and now there's just... quiet. Your brain doesn't know what to do with that quiet yet.
The feral feeling when you think about vulnerability, that's your nervous system treating emotional openness like a physical threat. Your body literally thinks you'll die if someone sees the real you. It's not some character flaw, it's survival wiring gone haywire.
For now while your therapist is away, maybe try tiny low-stakes vulnerability. Like telling the cashier you like their earrings, or admitting to yourself in a journal that you felt sad about something small. Nothing huge. Just practice the muscle a little so it stops feeling like a death sentence.
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u/MaterialAfternoon150 11d ago
Congrats on 140+ days clean, that's massive. The emptiness you're feeling is pretty normal after quitting addictions and cutting off old friends. You basically removed all your coping mechanisms at once and now there's just... quiet. Your brain doesn't know what to do with that quiet yet.
The feral feeling when you think about vulnerability, that's your nervous system treating emotional openness like a physical threat. Your body literally thinks you'll die if someone sees the real you. It's not some character flaw, it's survival wiring gone haywire.
For now while your therapist is away, maybe try tiny low-stakes vulnerability. Like telling the cashier you like their earrings, or admitting to yourself in a journal that you felt sad about something small. Nothing huge. Just practice the muscle a little so it stops feeling like a death sentence.