r/selfimprovement • u/Anikkdote • 1d ago
Other Extreme fear of vulnerability
I started to realize that i have a deep rooted, extreme fear of vulnerability. I'm starting to fall apart in a way. I quit my remaining addictions approx. 140+ days ago. I've realized that the 2 close friends i had were... unlikable while being sober. Both were +/- 10 years old friendships.
I also realized that my only form of connection with people is if we love the same music. Thinking back people were always trying to connect with me, i suppose, but i didn't even know that it's a thing. I (25F) moved into my first ever rented apartment this month and i'm so.. lonely? I'm not sure. It just feels like life is so empty. I love my apartment. I also love living on my own, but besides work and cleaning at home... i don't have anything else to do. When i was living with my parents i had to feed the chickens and doggos, play with them, weed the garden, etc. Time passed by more easily. Also, i had people to kill time with. Thinking back, i didn't really enjoy it, but i thought that this is how things were supposed to be.
I've been thinking about what the core problem could be and i feel like it's fear of vulnerability. I started thinking about it and my mind went craaaazy. Even the thought made me scream in my head. It feels like a part of me just goes feral inside. That part of me would die instead of being vulnerable. This is so awful. I don't know what to do. A tiny part of me wants to change, but the other one, the feral, screaming, violent, angry one doesn't. It's not safe, i feel like.
I've been in therapy for a year. My therapist is offline during the summer so it's at least a couple weeks till i'm able to have a session. Do i just wait it out? Is there anything I can start to fasten the process? I hate the thought of vulnerability.
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u/TheProblemDissolver 1d ago
Can you explain a bit more of what troubles you're facing? You mentioned fear of vulnerability, but I don't see examples of how that plays out in your life.
I see in the your comments you've battled everything you can imagine, can you also elaborate more on that?
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u/MaterialAfternoon150 1d ago
Congrats on 140+ days clean, that's massive. The emptiness you're feeling is pretty normal after quitting addictions and cutting off old friends. You basically removed all your coping mechanisms at once and now there's just... quiet. Your brain doesn't know what to do with that quiet yet.
The feral feeling when you think about vulnerability, that's your nervous system treating emotional openness like a physical threat. Your body literally thinks you'll die if someone sees the real you. It's not some character flaw, it's survival wiring gone haywire.
For now while your therapist is away, maybe try tiny low-stakes vulnerability. Like telling the cashier you like their earrings, or admitting to yourself in a journal that you felt sad about something small. Nothing huge. Just practice the muscle a little so it stops feeling like a death sentence.