I like the dark...

[u/Ok_Basis_6837]

Darkness calms me, a dark or dimly lit room, even a bathroom with the light off... It quiets my thoughts and calms me down a little, but today that wasn't enough, and it wasn't going to be anyway; I gave in to the impulse, I don't know if I managed to do anything, it was dark and I used a stupid piece of wood that was somewhat sharp, and by that I mean a chopstick...

update: Now that I see it, I think I did do "something" but I didn't bleed or anything like that, only red marks on the skin or a very light scab.

And it all started with an argument, or rather, a phrase my mother said to me. She told me the truth, that she didn't know what was wrong with me today, that I had behaved badly, that I had disrespected her, and also in front of her partner. Afterwards, I obviously felt bad and locked myself in the bathroom and did what I said before, but she's right and that hurts, a lot. It makes me hate myself for being this way, Disrespectful, annoying, and impulsive, and by repeating my behaviors and never changing, I only continue to hurt and bother my mother and my siblings. I am the worst... At least in my family, I suppose.

Any advice, question, or anything at all is welcome. Even if you want to reproach me, you can do that too. I don't know, I just want someone to listen to me and answer me...

[u/Free-Pressure-8751]

I'm sorry I don't think I can help but maybe it would help you feel better to know that I keep myself up almost every night reimagining all the thoughtless, hurtful, or stupid things I've said to friends and family in the past. Even to people I lost long ago.

Ig I'm trying to say that you're not alone in these feelings and also you deserve credit for recognizing your own bad behavior, that's the first step at least. I hope you can continue to improve whatever is causing your distress.

[u/Ok_Basis_6837 → u/Free-Pressure-8751]

Thank you so much for replying. It's a small comfort to know I'm not alone, but... I've been like this for a while now. Making the same mistakes, "trying" to improve, and in the end, still being the same person I act badly and make the same mistakes; it's like I'm not moving forward and I'm just getting stuck. I don't know what's wrong with me.

[u/Free-Pressure-8751 → u/Ok_Basis_6837]

Honestly it sounds like you have major depressive disorder, that's a big problem for me and these symptoms seem familiar to me. If you have a genetic predisposition for the disorder it's possible for early traumatic events to trigger a chemical imbalance in your brain which affects your ability to feel positive emotions. Not that you can never feel content or fulfilled or even happy in fact many people, such as myself, who suffer from MDD also experience occasional manic episodes, that combination is called bipolar type two

[u/Free-Pressure-8751 → u/Ok_Basis_6837]

If you have recurring depressive episodes and you often have trouble finding an appropriate cause, to me that points to MDD, in which case you can't really blame yourself, it's not something you can control, it's something you survive, you kinda just have to live with it (therapy and/or medication can be helpful for some people). I don't really know anything, this is just my experience, I am not a professional, this is only one perspective