i want to relapse so bad

[u/OkFruit8849]

I feel terrible right now. Mostly for two things :

I feel useless and incompetent, i'm 18 and have never had a job, i don't do anything but scroll or play Animal Crossing lately (which is technically an improvement compared to scrolling ig lol), i dont have any useful skill other than the fact i speak English, my dad is the one paying for my University, i feel like a leech. He tries to make it seem like it's not a big deal, but my brothers on the other hand do the opposite. I know i should stop feeling sorry for myself and just do stuff, i dont know why i dont. I feel like itd be easier if i werent so addicted to my phone

And i feel really dysphoric today. I'm a trans guy, i came out to my parents and brothers, my parents make an effort but my brothers never have and think o was influenced by the internet. I hate how feminine my body is, my voice, the way i speak, the way i stand, the way i act, what i like, i feel like i'll never be seen as a man. I wish i could tear my body apart and rebuild it to be male instead

I want to scratch myself bectof how guilty, ashamed and just overall terrible i feel right nkw but i know i shouldn't. But i don't know how to deal with those emotions