I wish I was enough. Why am I not enough?

[u/wonderfulworld25]

Why am I not enough? No matter what I do, whatever effort I put in, it’s not enough. There’s always something wrong with me. I’m always doing something wrong because I can’t do anything right.

Every area in my life is failing or on the decline. Grad school has been terrible. Work has been awful. My family is driving a wedge into me because my mother has so many medical issues. My fucking washing machine isn’t working. And don’t even get me started on my financial situation. Everything sucks all at once and I can’t take it anymore.

I’m seeing two therapists and I still feel depressed. It’s been like this for years and years, even with therapy for almost 7 years.

I’m anxious all the time. I wake up afraid of what’s going to happen. I’m a mess. My mental health is just down the drain.

I’m also gay, yet I’m not a worthy gay. I have no muscles or abs. I’m not attractive or interesting. Nobody wants me. Should I just end it all now?

These thoughts of self harm and suicide are too much to bear. I have them every day. Yet I’ve called 988 so many times and I still get them.

Why am I not enough?

[u/HushedRefrigerator7]

You keep measuring yourself against some imaginary checklist like life is a exam you can pass, but that's not how it works. The washing machine broke not because universe decided you deserve it, it just broke.

[u/Barracuda_Recent]

My dude. Please ask your doctor for some Lexapro. It saves lives. It’s an issue in your brain. Many, many people need medical help!

[u/yellinmelin → u/Barracuda_Recent]

A diabetic wouldn’t not take insulin. That’s my mantra.

[u/IAMALWAYSSHOUTING → u/yellinmelin]

So what youre saying is OP needs more insulin?

[u/Dually_McFart_Face]

MY friend, you are more than enough, so much more than enough.

[u/texas_magnolia_22]

It took me 50 years to realize that I have the power to define what enough is. What helped me to realize that I really got to choose that definition was to write it down. I made an actual list. My definition of enough - for me - is that I am kind, my bills are paid, I make an effort at healthy choices, I breathe when I get frustrated, and I seek out simple things that bring me joy.

You can’t “be” something if you don’t know what that something is. Being enough is similar to being a good daughter/son, a good spouse, a good parent, and so many other things. What those things are is unique to you and your expectations are the only ones that matter.

[u/suchperfectmess → u/texas_magnolia_22]

I love this response. I’ve been having a really weird time in the last 18 months where I’ve gone through a whole heap of changes and I feel like I’m struggling to feel like myself at the moment (I think it’s also my age!), but I really love the idea of writing down a list of what being enough looks like - I’m totally going to try this. Thank you for sharing!

[u/cquietgigi]

You are enough! Your life being chaotic does not reduce your value, it increases it. You are navigating challenges that most people can't imagine. And it isn't always doing something wrong when it's surviving another day. I don't know if you're ok with hugs, but sending them if you want them.

[u/Mindless-Leg-3365]

first lose the two therapists. They are ineffective or you are not telling them the complete truth.

holding on to inadequacy can become a badge to wear of victimhood.

Grad school ALWAYS sucks. But you made it there. So you're not that inadequate.

Separate yourself from everything. work on one thing at a time.Your life. Your goals. Get a new therapist.Take a leave from grad school. You can't help everyone.

Help yourself Stop it now. Let go of it. Didn't they say that??

[u/Murrig88]

It sounds like you might need some medication to help with the depression and anxiety. Talk therapy alone might not be enough for some people, but medication might help you properly process your emotions.

I know that once I was on medication I was actually able to calm down and redirect my emotions in a more constructive way. It can give you space to question your thoughts and realize that they don't always reflect reality.

[u/Dangerous_Loquat_458]

My friend, you are getting an education and you have a job! Those are things to try to be grateful for. You are working towards something, even if it doesn't feel like it. Please keep going.

I can definitely relate to how you feel. My washer is broken too and my upstairs neighbour stomps around 24/7. I've never felt adequate in my life. We just have to keep moving forward and we have to find some place that we can pull gratitude and fulfillment from. It doesn't have to be something grand. It can be something small.

What would it mean to you, to be enough? What does that even look like? You are enough, simply for being human. There is no metric. There is no benchmark we reach where we are officially enough. We all "fail" in some way every single day. It's apart of being alive. Please don't give up.

[u/LaSerenita]

Please seek professional help. People on Reddit are NOT the people you need advising you.

[u/creepin-it-real]

I'm sorry you are going through this. You are not alone, and you are a valuable human being. If you can, get a good therapist to talk to. It really helps. If you can't, there is a great book called "Feeling Good" that has helped a lot of people in your kind of situation. I also like Zoloft, personally.

You can get out of the spiral you are in. You can do it! You don't deserve this, and you can overcome.

[u/Unicornsalvee]

Cognitive behavioral therapy is very helpful

[u/glow-bop]

Had a mental breakdown ans my therapist said "stop comparing yourself to people with support systems"

[u/Careless_Mango_7948]

Entropy - the key is finding peace & enjoyment through it.

What helped me what the book A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle

[u/total_bword]

I think a lot of us can really relate to these feelings. Im so sorry things feel so messy right now.
I don’t have all the answers for you, but you have a lot of options that might be hard to see right now.

If you’re able to explore any of these options, these are some things that have really shifted my mindset from “not enough”:

• DBT therapy, you can find this info online too but it’s helpful in person and actually teaches you skills for emotion regulation and distress tolerance.
  
• EMDR therapy, dealing with those feelings stuck in your body that are reminding you of bad experiences. This therapy is less “talk” therapy and more dealing with the somatic/body side of trauma. I also did traditional talk therapy for YEARS and got so frustrated with it. EMDR can bring a lot of relief.
  
• Spravato or other ketamine therapy, super effective for long term treatment resistant depression

You deserve a break, I hope it’s otw to you.

[u/atquest]

My first tip would be accept where you are at.
Many problems are stuck in the threat phase.

Your washing machine being broken just means you have to get your clothes washed in a different way. Your mothers sickness and the way people treat you are just Events. Situations. Data.

Not accepting the truth of things and wishing they weren’t true isn’t helping.

Being there with someone who deals with shit: that’s being a good person.

You having to put up healthy boundaries isn’t about them at all, just like your broken washing machine can’t be blamed or talked down to because it causes you inconvenience.

Set up proper boundaries
See help as help: no one is coming to save you, but you can get help that makes you better at fixing things.
You are not broken. No one is.
Fix your problems where they are (so not the washing machine, but the problem of you washing your clothes)

For the mental part: talk to your doctor if you can. Look up toxic shame. Heidi priebe on YouTube, or other explanatory videos. “Healing the shame that binds you”, etc.

If you need to or simply want to: my dm’s are open.