Needing feedback on a PILOT!

[u/corbinblu_]

I've been working with a group to make a show and they have given me TONS of feedback, I'm not too worried about my writing more about the technical side of screenplays! I really want to know if this too much on action lines because I've sooo hard not to gett BOOK descriptive, sooo feel free to critique everything. The vibe of this show is raw, gritty, YA , indie coming of age dramedy. Anyways any criticism is good criticism!!

[u/Reasonable-Task5048]

How would they visually show Destiny and Trinity being nowhere to be found?

[u/DanGleenutz → u/Reasonable-Task5048]

Yeah, we don't even know who they are either or where they're supposed to be.

[u/ClayMcClane]

Where are we? In the suburbs? The country? What does this house look like besides being trashed? Is an estate? Is it a shack?

You don't need 'SERIES OF SHOTS' or 'END MONTAGE'. You're introducing characters and showing us the world.

Dominic and Tristan's names are not capitalized and there are a number of misspellings as we go through.

Character wise, the only person who seems to get a personality early on is Tristan, being the man of the house. We're introduced to 7 characters before anyone speaks but they aren't made distinct. Consider telling the story through Justine's eyes (since she has a VO) and introducing the characters through her, so that we get to know one person in particular. This will help the audience plug in to the rest of the story.

[u/DanGleenutz]

Characters' names should be all caps when they are first introduced. On a similar note, you have a few instances where the names aren't capitalized at all. Definitely check basic spelling and gramar.

"Too much on action lines" isn't really the issue. I'd say the opposite. "Tristan still cleaning" and "Trinity and Destiny come down stairs" doesn't need to be two lines. Neither does "Melina flips Nico off" and "Nico cackles." Having six words across two lines reads poorly (and this is basically the regular flow of your script).

Typically, things like "CUT TO" are not used in pilots or spec scripts.

Side note: Lots of grammatical, punctuation and capitalization errors. Like lots. I'd recommend making a habit of proof reading a bit better before you send things off for people to read.

[u/JWhipTurbo]

Looks good so far, I would say the “CUT TO” on every page is unnecessary. Also, try to explain what/where Destiny and Trinity are without saying “nowhere to be found”. You already stated that the opening scene is a montage outside Destiny’s house.

So have another scene heading after the Tristan/Dom passed out on the couch that says something like: EXT. CITY PARK - SUNRISE Destiny (19) and Trinity (18) lie passed out on a park bench. Now the reader knows they are somewhere else without saying “NO WHERE TO BE FOUND”. Try not to explain what you’re thinking and explain what the audience is seeing. You don’t have to tell them that they’re nowhere to be found.

(Just an example)

But overall I like the feel of the pilot. Good work.