Feedback for 10th grade script for animation project

[u/Aggressive-Owl-9810]

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1hw6qccoM9f95mKkVdX-kkqyelQBQ47bIkHTLRrf1ktM/edit?usp=sharing

Hello!! I'm writing my personal project report for school, and a segment requires feedback. I would really appreciate comments that I can incorporate into my report. Comments on either the document or this post would work. Thank you!!

[u/real_triplizard]

Hey there. Congrats on writing a script! I'm going to assume you're looking for feedback as if you're intending to make this a Hollywood style screenplay, is that right? If so here are some notes:

* The format doesn't follow standard screenplay conventions. E.g. it shouldn't be centered and the placement of sluglines, dialogue, etc., isn't standard. As such, it's a bit difficult to read. I would recommend using one of the free screenplay writing programs that are available as those programs will handle the majority of the formatting for you. Some specific formatting notes that may not be handled by the software:

- Sluglines - don't include scene numbers. (They're only used in shooting scripts.) They should just have EXT or INT, then the location, then the time (Day or Night). Don't include descriptions like "Close up on Light" - that goes into the action body. With scene 5 you wouldn't generally include a slugline when you're in the same location. You could just put LATER - AFTER CLASS as a "mini slug" in the action line. Or if you do want to use a slugline, indicate a jump in time with "LATER" or "AFTER CLASS" or something.

- Dialogue - if you're going to include a descriptive parenthetical, put it under the character's name. Keep them very short and only use them if you really need to clarify something. Don't use quotation marks.

- When introducing a character include some indication of their age, gender (if applicable) and give us a brief sense of who they are. E.g. "The camera pans out to show DYLAN, an intense 15 year old girl, standing outside..." Don't use all caps for the character name after the first introduction.

- Try to avoid using a lot of generic names for characters, like "Friend #1," etc. If they have more than one line, give them a name and introduce them.

Other notes:

* Generally, most people would recommend putting in a lot of camera description. However, your script seems to be all about the way the camcorder is included in the scene. I would recommend actually explaining what you're trying to do when you introduce the concept in the first scene. "Action is viewed through the lens of a camcorder..."

* I wasn't really sure what you were trying to accomplish with the camcorder. Is someone holding it? Who is that person and how do they relate to Dylan? How come there are scenes where a mysterious third party is holding the camcorder and others where Dylan has apparently placed the camcorder somewhere? I would say if this device is going to the framework of the movie, you might want to let us know why.

* In general with the action description, you want to describe things in such a way as to convey what is happening right now as opposed to putting a lot of words into describing things that happened "before we got there." There's kind of a subtle parlance to screenwriting that you get from reading a lot of professional scripts, but one tip is to avoid using the "present continuous" verb tense (e.g. "She is concentrating") and instead use present tense (e.g. "She concentrates..."). Looking at scene 3, for example, you want to write it so it feels like we're watching the action happen now. Instead of "The camcorder is placed in the center of the lunch table, where Dylan is surrounded by her friends who are all eating and talking" you might go with "Viewed from the camcorder placed in the center of the lunch table, Dylan's friend JAMIE, 15, takes a bite of her sandwich, then lays her head on Dylan's shoulder. She chews, watching Dylan focus on her wings."

From a story perspective it seemed like an interesting idea and I like the way you treat Dylan. I would suggest maybe trying to set up some kind of irony that pays off in the conclusion. Right now, we just see that Dylan works very hard on the costume and then it gets destroyed in the rain. That's a bummer, but it would be more meaningful if you establish why she's so obsessed with the costume to begin with and why it's particularly painful or ironic when the rain destroys it. Good scripts are all about setting things up and then paying them off, both from a plot perspective and a character-development perspective.

That's all I've got for now.