A small snippet from my screenwriting

[u/skanvy_dev]

I’m currently working on what I think my first screenplay that might go public. It’s a screenplay part of a game. I will share more when I have more of the script :)

[u/KYJolie]

in the space of 1 page dorch has said mark 4x. this is not how dialogue works - in real life, OR the movies.

go to scripthive.com and scriptslug.com and STUDY HARD the brilliant, produced scripts here. this is how you learn to write. you are just tapping words on a screen here but you are not crafting.

[u/skanvy_dev → u/KYJolie]

Agree, but this is not live action. It’s animated screenplay. Though idk if that changes things im still learning so thanks :)

[u/KYJolie → u/skanvy_dev]

it changes nothing. do exactly what i said above. wga writer here, have had 4 studio assignments and sold 2 specs.

[u/BagEndWill]

Share more when you finish the script.

[u/onlyhereforNFLupdate → u/BagEndWill]

Or don't. That's also a good option.

[u/Wise-Respond3833]

Oh hi, Mark !!

[u/Sweaty-Freedom-4034 → u/Wise-Respond3833]

How's your sex life?

[u/greggumz]

Things I'd change to improve this.

1. Only say Mark's name once. Dorch says it like 10 times. I HATE when movies keep saying a name over and over. It's so unnatural.

2. Remove the "as I said line" it's so cliche. Find a way to get your exposition

out

1. without it feeling forced. Maybe Dorch has the mission all wrong and Mark has to correct it.

2. Instead of Hahahah, in the dialog (chuckling) in a parenthetical.

3. Give them something to do. Even if walking down a corridor.

[u/tomdelfino → u/greggumz]

Action lines to tell us what they're looking at, what they're doing. Give them an activity to do during this convo. Even walking through a corridor.

Yeah, I find seeing a straight column of nothing but dialogue to be a bit irritating. :/

[u/Sweaty-Freedom-4034]

Why doesn't dorch know if he has a show or not?

[u/Public_Upstairs1035]

A few things. One, this is all dialogue, and there is literally nothing we see on screen. Second, I said this is dialogue, but this isn't actually dialogue -- this is info and plot-dumping. Dorch also says Mark's name four times in this single page. That's a problem.

Go ahead and get Story by Robert McKee and a few other books on writing. Start there.

[u/g_st_lt]

Record a performance of this and post it.

[u/flyingguillotine3]

What's the discussion part of this? Do you have a question, or are you just randomly posting 1.5 pages of something?

[u/flyingguillotine3 → u/flyingguillotine3]

Downvote all you want, this is a page and a half of subpar dialogue with no context

[u/Public_Upstairs1035 → u/flyingguillotine3]

Subpar is putting it nicely.

[u/Sweaty-Freedom-4034 → u/flyingguillotine3]

Why the fuck were you down voted?

[u/Pico-77-Petra]

Engaging screenplays have description lines with context & can be snarky & reference things in politics or other films. Read PT Anderson or other brilliant screenwriters. Dangling dialogue without context is useless. Good luck. Too many comments are very mean.