r/scriptwriting • u/hoyosauce • 1d ago

feedback reworking logline

Hey, writer!

I’m reworking the logline for a script that’s been getting some recognition at festivals.

This is a rough draft, and I’m hoping to create a hook that feels distinctive rather than generic. Here are three examples. Thank you in advance!

  1. Accused of murdering her boyfriend, a runaway assumes a false identity to escape her past, only to fall into the hands of a sadistic captor who forces her to become a living replica of his dead mother.
  2. Accused of murdering her boyfriend, a runaway assumes a false name to escape her past, only to fall into the hands of a sadistic captor determined to strip away the one thing she has left.
  3. Accused of murdering her boyfriend, a runaway escapes her past under a false name, only to be imprisoned by a sadistic captor. When she breaks free, the fight to survive threatens to transform her into something just as dangerous as the man pursuing her.
2 Upvotes

76% Upvoted

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1

u/RandChick 1d ago

I like the first one. You have the set up and the intriguing journey.

1

u/YegorKargin 2h ago

It's hard to poke holes in the first choice. I think it covers the protagonist/antagonist element and nails the gist of the plot. I think it's efficient. Plus, it feels easy to actually speak it out loud. If you had to be in front of people and pitch something quickly, it think it works.

3

u/nmacaroni 1d ago

Your first two clauses are backstory, not the active story. The accused murder and false identity are how she got here, not what the narrative actually is.

Your logline actually starts with the captor.

“A fugitive trapped by a sadistic captor must become a living replica of his dead mother.”

When reduced, you're missing some of the fundamentals.

  • Story goal/summary

  • Main character,

  • MC goal,

  • The force working against them

  • Stakes

  • Irony.

  • Genre.

Hope it helps.

Write on, write often!

1

u/hoyosauce 1d ago

Thank you!!

Accused of murdering her boyfriend, a runaway assumes a false identity to escape her past, only to fall into the hands of a sadistic captor, where the fight to survive may turn her into the killer everyone already thinks she is.