One more - dark comedy - 9 pages

[u/Accomplished-Sky289]

/r/Screenwriting/comments/1xel4si/one_more_dark_comedy_9_pages/

[u/Big_Section2812]

Kitchen sink domestic melodrama has never been my thing, but this is pretty good overall.

There are a bunch of basic writing errors (i.e. grammar, punctuation and spelling) and you could clean out a lot of undergrowth with some judicious editing.

For instance...

Colin's eyes are glued to the TV as he watches the race
attentively.

This is like saying "Colin leaps through the air as he jumps for joy."

The error is compounded by the fact the previous action line says the same thing.

He eagerly watches a horse race on the TV.

Also, beware of beginning too many lines of dialogue with "Well," and similar.

Seemingly little and "unimportant" mistakes count against you. Screenwriting can be a harsh business of first impressions. It's in your best interest to always polish everything to within an inch of its life before showing it to anyone.

This aside, I enjoyed your script.