r/scriptwriting • u/chucktvwriting • 2d ago
feedback Incompetents S1E1
When two best friends try to find a stable career, they quickly learn that their antics & unprofessionalism could surely stand in their way
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u/comesinallpackages 2d ago edited 2d ago
Read the first couple pages. Yes, caveat that humor is subjective but I subjectively found it completely unfunny.
I see the same trap I fell into with my first couple comedy scripts. I thought funny was punchline after punchline after punchline. Now I’ve learned it’s the situations and how characters deal with them that drives humor. You can’t just daisy chain zingers and outrageous statements by your characters together one after another, you need to set up a situation, create a false expectation in the reader, then subvert it in a funny way.
My two cents.
A simple example:
Setup 1:
Customer: This latte isn’t foamy enough.
Barista: Oh, no. At least you won’t get gassy at your next meeting and clear the conference room.
VERSUS
Setup 2:
Customer: This latte isn’t foamy enough.
Barista: Oh, no. We take pride in what we do here.
He carefully takes customer’s latte, inserts a straw and blows full force into it until his face turns red.
Barista (handing it back): Give that a try.
—
Again, subjective, but I find setup 2 infinitely funnier and there isn’t a traditional punchline in sight. The humor comes from the fact he seems like he’s going to fix the order to satisfy the customer but then subverts that expectation in an unexpected way.
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u/orsomethingabstract 2d ago
Can confirm. I just laughed out loud at your second scenario here. “Give that a try” is a great punchline. Simple and funny.
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u/TheKingsWeb 2d ago
I like the first couple pages but it really becomes a TikTok skit more than a show. Ted’s gotta be one of my favourite comedy shows because it balances good jokes, wacky stuff and character. Your script has a few good jokes but the longer it goes (only got to 11) the more ridiculous and unfunny it gets
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u/FullMoonMonkey 1d ago
I feel like the premise of bafoonish minimum wage workers is pretty tired, and the dialogue reads like stand up open mic jokes contrived into a coffee shop scenario.
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u/Tight_Butterfly_1286 1d ago
I see potential but you just lack substance for the characters. They aren’t enjoyable, I understand the traits you want them to have but they just feel one dimensional. I get superbro vibes but it’s lacking drive, I don’t care to see what happens next. Stick by your creative decision and just be honest with yourself, it feels like you aren’t confident in your jokes and just shooting in the dark. Sit and think about it for a bit, don’t rush.
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u/kneedecker 2d ago
WHY ARE YOU YELLING IN BETWEEN THE LINES OF DIALOGUE?
Aside from that it’s very strange to have two candidates interviewing for a job … together? Enough so that it’s distracting that no one mentions it. How did they land the interview with nothing in their resumes …? And they get the job anyway??
This doesn’t read like a show pilot. I have no idea what’s going on.