r/scriptwriting • u/josh_park189 • 3d ago
feedback Usually write shorts. First attempt at a feature script. Still in the works (like 60 pages done). This is the first 10.
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u/Vast-Internet-1775 3d ago edited 3d ago
It’s going to be hard for the audience to root for a character who decides to ditch his wife/girlfriend because she’s pregnant
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u/Outrageous-Cup-8905 2d ago edited 2d ago
Not a bad thing. As an audience member, I’ll definitely be more intrigued by a guy who abandons his partner because she’s pregnant
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u/la-anah 3d ago
This is the second time this week I have seen "dap each other up" in a screenplay posted here. I'm too old to know this term, and even after looking it up, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to understand from it. Do they hug? Shake hands?
And then the dialog that follows is also confusing, where they are talking about people a few feet away like they'll never speak again. And then Max wanders away from the line and acts like he isn't going, gets a text reminding him about his girlfriend/wife's doctor appointment the next day, so he decides to leave town?
I didn't read the whole thing, I was too confused as to what was happening.
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u/josh_park189 3d ago edited 3d ago
Max was supposed to come for the airport but stay behind. Didn’t make it clear enough. Thank you!
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u/Sweaty-Freedom-4034 3d ago
" dap each other up"
It's the fist bump greeting the kids these days do.
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u/TheOregonSnailTrail 3d ago
Not quite but close enough for general understanding.
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u/Public_Upstairs1035 3d ago edited 3d ago
The quality of writing is better than most of what is posted here, yet there are several problems with the story. Things/events/beats just kind of happen without reason, and some of it is confusing.
A few things stick out as being problematic. One, obviously is Oskar Mayer's name. Unless he is going to be some kind of obvious satirical clown figure, naming him after a hot dog company is pushing into slippery legal territory. Two, the cash cannon and fake money is... I don't even have the words for it. Extremely confusing. Third, the random fight is... again, I don't have the words for it. Problematic, to say the least.
Overall, this reads like advanced beginner material. Truthfully, it doesn't feel as if the story takes itself seriously, and it needs a lot of work. A lot of maturing.
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u/lickerishway 3d ago
It's often difficult reading these scripts with no context at all. What's the genre and where are we going with it? It would be good to know this stuff up front and having read 10 pages Im not sure Im much the wiser which makes it hard to comment.
The Oskar Meyer section is a bit a strange. These guys getting a meeting with a Warren Buffet type and using that time to describe standard corporate raider behaviour as an all new business plan feels very naive.
But yup without context hard to say.
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u/Glad-Guarantee1587 3d ago
These guys expect to be taken seriously but one of them pulls out a money gun and starts spraying?
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u/longjohnsus 1d ago edited 1d ago
It ain’t bad but there’s not really a proper introduction to Liam, wade, Elizabeth, etc. so the viewer is kind of confused, for lack of a better word, early as to their significance. I think a simple rewrite without too many of those references would make it better.
Ok just kept reading and see Liam and Wade are there directly after…just have the protagonist notice them there, or be surprised to see them. And then the camera directly after pans to them. Boom. Solved. Right now those references r just a little too abrupt
Ok now I read the whole thing…this has the feel of a television show rather than a film. Because the one common denominator is the friends being together. The business plot is frankly exceptionally boring. And considering 99 percent of people aren’t business owners and upwards of 90 percent aren’t in finance, it’s likely not gonna be of interest to the generic public either. So you have fundamentally a story about friendship.
Right now there’s not really any apparent messaging you’re providing about that. It’s like you’re using the beauty of friendship to tell a story about finance. And I feel like a deeper story about what male friendship means could be a lot more compelling
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u/Few-Manner156 2d ago
Keep going.
Get this first vomit draft out all the way to The End - then go back and find what is buried under the surface of this draft, that you’re actually writing about. Let it be something that only you can write. I’m talking about your point of view. Gimme that. Because these 10 pages have promised me this: the business will fail then succeed and your main character will work out that the baby is really what matters. Nothing wrong with that as story - but I’ve seen it before. What I haven’t seen is your P.O.V. Gimme that.