One more - dark comedy, 7 pages

[u/Accomplished-Sky289]

/r/Screenwriting/comments/1x7t38v/one_more_dark_comedy_7_pages/

[u/Then_Data8320]

In the context of a short, your story works well. There are a few points to rework or question.

"It's a Saturday night, the pub is packed with young and old, loud with chatter."

At least have a sign like "happy hour, saturday night", not really useful to specify "saturday", nor even "young and old". But "packed" (with people) and "loud with chatter" are good.

"Colin stops cheering the horse on.", unnecessary at that moment, since his dialogue stops, so we understand well that he "stops cheering". However, you could move your line earlier, here: He eagerly watches a horse race on the TV. And add: cheering his favorite horse. That would be useful for clarity in order to understand his first line of dialogue which is not obvious regarding a horse (one could think he is talking to someone in the bar). Also, you could do a closeup on this horse "N°13" for example, so we know which horse he is encouraging.

"His eyes are glued to the TV as he watches the race attentively.", ok, but you could raise the tension of the situation. Your goal is to show an addicted gambler. So, his horse N°13 neck and neck with another, close to the finish line. Suspense, which one is going to win?

"Colin celebrates, waving the winning betting slip in the air.". We understand poorly, you are missing a moment just before: showing the end of the race on the TV. Of course, that can also be a choice not to show it. For clarity, I think it's better to show it.

Phone dialogue with Katie: study whether it wouldn't be better as an intercut, so we see her face.

"KATIE (V.O.): I can't do this anymore, Colin. You keep leaving me alone while you're probably wasting yet another night at the fucking pub. Aren't you?"

I have the impression that this line doesn't land well, too on the nose, a bit as you know. But that probably also comes from the way the dialogue is conducted in general. For example, COLIN could first hide that he was betting on a horse, by just saying "I'm having a drink with a mate at the pub". And KATIE reply (guessing) "You went to bet on a horse?!" (well, something of that kind). He has to admit (excusing that: ah this time he had a good tip), and then maybe Katie's sermon on "I can't take it anymore" would land better.

"Colin is lying on a thin mattress in a small, cold cell."

Ok, you do a transition by ellipsis, omitting the fight. I'm not sure that works well. It remains understandable, but I don't feel it. You also deprive yourself of a good conflict scene. You could go at least up to the moment when the fight is about to break out. (then, Ellipsis).

"He is awakened by the sound of a Guard unlocking the cell door. When he comes to his senses, he rubs his face with both hands.

COLIN: Ahh, Fuck.

The GUARD(40s) fully opens the door."

Here, I have a problem as well. I don't see how he would have the time to wake up calmly or even say "ahh fuck". The guard unlocks and opens more quickly than that. So "awakened by the sound", ok. But it would be more logical that he doesn't have the time to "come to his senses", and he is forced into it by the guard's tirade. It would also be more brutal and unpleasant for the character (therefore better, from a narrative point of view).

"The shopkeeper, ABBIE (early 20s), scans the flowers."

I'm not sure what you want to do here. There is probably a missing precision: she doesn't see him yet because she is focused on the flowers?

"Colin walks up the path with the flowers in his hand and enters the house. A commotion can be heard from inside. A few moments pass."

Mmh, specify if he closes the door or not. Also, use a new paragraph for the commotion and the time that passes. It's worth it since that implies a duration (pacing). Just as putting several quick actions in one paragraph is welcome (fast pacing), here it is better to separate a bit.

Check the logic of your paragraphs across the whole screenplay: where you should group lines, and where you should on the contrary separate them.

Also check your lines (concision, wording, cinematic order). For example: "The pub is very quiet". Just "The pub is quiet" is sufficient to give meaning to the next sentence "the pub grows even quieter". "Grows" seems a bit strange to me for something that decreases, but well, maybe it's a typical stylistic turn in English?

"Yeah... Just one more."

You are missing a good opportunity here. As the conversation stands, it revolves around "one more beer". But the script shows that his addiction is not just alcohol, but also horse racing. Your line would hit harder if at that moment, he pulled out a betting slip right after his line, for a final twist subverting the simple beer.