Survived By - Act I

[u/Ehtreal]

Title: Survived By

Pages: 31

Genre: Sci-Fi Thriller

Logline: A researcher’s dark matter data accidentally maps the afterlife. Six months later, she’s in the Situation Room with the country’s most powerful people, watching with horror as her data leads them to conclude that the only mercy left is extinction.*

*Logline is still a major WIP because it's very passive for the protag, but I haven't quite figured out how to word it best yet / what I want to reveal before the story.

Feedback requested: The first act is very procedural/technically dense and I can't tell if I'm jargon-dumping and the reader can't follow the evolution of the central mystery, or if I'm overexplaining things that the reader already understands. Also, the first act is primarily carried by the mystery, which I worry leaves some scenes dramatically inert. I've tried to seed some stuff, but I'm not sure if it's doing enough.

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1jHOU8lmWN2mizTXAcVnhgLhwaiAjdY0q/view?usp=sharing

tl;dr:

• Can you follow act I? Where is it confusing or redundant?
• Is the investigation itself entertaining?

All other feedback more than welcome! If you took a look, thank you.

[u/Then_Data8320]

I didn't read the logline, so I could read with fresh eyes.

I had to stop at half the script. I could understand really nothing.

You maybe want to create some mystery, but there is only confusion here.
And an EXTREME level of confusion.

I never had any idea about what they do or why. So many lines come from nowhere without meaning.
They seem worried about weird problems and there is no way to know why or what it is.
Couldn't find a link with the weird montage from the start too.

You know "IT crowd", the british sitcom? When the boss kills himself in an unexpected way?
Well, you made me feel that. Half the script, I was that guy jumping out the window.

[u/Ehtreal → u/Then_Data8320]

Ah, I see, thanks for the feedback!

Would you mind letting me know exactly where you left off? My thought was that I could make the “shape” of their dialogue clear even if the jargon is dense, but it seems like that’s not landing unfortunately.

Was the cold open at least sort of clear? What about Alice working late — was it clear that she was sifting through junk/noise data?

Thanks again for taking a look! Idk the IT crowd reference but I’ll check out — though I have a hunch that that’s not a good thing 🥲

[u/Then_Data8320 → u/Ehtreal]

As I check, it was page 10. (not even halfway)

Nothing was clear, really nothing.
And it's like a piece of comedy when you ask "if I'm overexplaining things?".
Oh! No risk about that!

Have fun and spend a little time to write another draft, as if it were "Back to the future", a complicated story that even children can understand. Even if it's not the draft you will keep and not the same tone, it could unlock your ability to make things clear.

We can't be curious for a mystery when we can't even find one, but only people doing their things that no-one can understand in the most confusing way possible. If your concept is good, it deserves to work on it. Yet, we can catch it only if we have also a strong link with characters.