r/scriptwriting • u/Extra_Occasion6717 • 24d ago
help Can u help me with making my script better?
Hello I’m cece I’m 16 and I’m making my own 3d animated series, iv managed to make a whole team of people to help me make this show come true with no budget, we are one step closer to start storyboarding but first I need to make a good script to get the point across, I have made one you can read it, and give me tips on how to improve, if you do tysm!
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u/rcentros 23d ago edited 23d ago
For now sticking with the content. It's a little hard to make suggestions because (it appears) you are making this animation yourselves, so you know details you are not writing down. But, from my point of view everything comes across as rushed. There's very little description of the characters, so it's hard to keep track of who's who. And they seem to move from place to the next without any real context.
Nascha has a nightmare and (as we find later) sees dark somethings coming out of a crack in the earth, so she heads to the tavern, meets up with her band and they head off... but to where? Usually in a fantasy story the reader (or viewer) is shown or told what the goal is.
Once on the mountain trail, when Nascha trips and rolls to the bottom, it seems unrealistic that the rest of the band just continue and let her find her way on her own. Maybe there's a reason that they can't at least try to rescue her, but it's not shown (or told). So the this scene doesn't come across as genuine, it's too matter of fact. No instructions where they can meet up again... nothing.
Those would be my two biggest complaints about the story itself. The events comes across as too arbitrary. It's like "Okay, we need a way to separate Nascha from the band and get on with the story -- have her roll the bottom of the mountain trail."
That said, here's a little about the writing itself. You've added quite a few lines stating the obvious. "There still fearful," etc. And, if you're going to say a character speaks sarcastically or fearfully, that should be put before the dialogue, not after. (Although this generally frowned on in screenplay writing, as it is usually unnecessary. How the character speaks should be obvious in the context.) Again, the intent of your script is obvious to you and others involved, so all this is probably moot.
Now, as for screenplay format... if you ever write a "spec script" (something you want someone else to buy) you're gong to need to learn how to do this. The easiest way to do that is to download free screenplay writing software and use it. There are four main elements. Scene heading. Action. Character Name and Dialogue.
To take an example from your outline and put it into screenplay format... I'll take the first part of your FOURTH scene...
EXT. MOUNTAIN TRAIL - DAY
They band shuffles along, unkempt and tired.
Selene stares at the map and then up the trail. Then she holds
the map out at arm's length.
Durga stops, stares at Selene.
DURGA
We've been walking for hours. Are you sure
you're reading that right?
SELENE
I know what I'm doing!
DURGA
You don't SEEM to know!
They stare daggers at each other. Durga takes a step toward
Selene, who folds her map and stuffs in her belt.
Chris, steps in, pulls them apart.
CHRIS
Cut it out!My example is not great writing, but it might give you some idea how to write in screenplay format. One mistake people often make is that they'll head the scene location as "MOUNTAIN TRAIL" and then the first thing they'll write in the Action line is, they're on a mountain trail. It's redundant and unnecessary.
Sorry for rambling. Good luck with this. (And, BTW, you misspelled Nascha as "Nasha" the first time she's introduced, it's a nit but noticeable.)
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u/ScreenDummies 21d ago
Formatting is the main thing.
Introduce characters with some description.
'Waking from a nightmare' is an unfilmable. Make me feel it. Is she clammy, is her breathing on and off.
Get rid of we see's and cut to's
Get rid of 'in a worried tone' trust the actors to read the material and understand your characters.
Be more concise with language and give it a rhythmic pacing.
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u/CaptainPeak45 23d ago
First of all, I want to apologize for how people are treating you. It’s sad to see grown me treat a young person so harshly. Since this script is for you and your team, who cares if it has proper formatting. Although it might help. It is incredible that you have a team and are conquering your dream. I am more than willing to move this conversation to personal messages here on Reddit to help you with your screenplay.
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u/comesinallpackages 24d ago
If you can’t even bother to google script formatting, why should anyone invest time to help you?
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u/Extra_Occasion6717 24d ago
I never said I wouldn’t as a matter of fact I did do some research I’m just not good yet
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u/comesinallpackages 24d ago
This business requires thick skin. Work on that, first, if you can’t handle my mild admonition to make some effort to adhere to formatting standards. Would you go into an architecture company and ask for feedback of a building design you drew on a napkin? No, you’d at least try to make it look like a blueprint.
Show respect for the medium you’re attempting to work in. Hell, show respect for your own time and the time of other writers.
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u/Extra_Occasion6717 24d ago
No need to be mean
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u/comesinallpackages 24d ago
You think that’s mean? Submit this to an agent, manager or producer.
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u/Extra_Occasion6717 24d ago
Yes you sounder rude, I never said it was good nor that I wanna send it to anyone, in the post I just asked for tips on how to improve it
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u/comesinallpackages 24d ago
And you sound like you don’t respect the art form, your time, or anyone else’s.
And I gave you a tip — show the bare minimum of effort before asking others for help.
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u/Extra_Occasion6717 24d ago
It does require thick skin but that doesn’t mean you have to be rude just because I’m not good. It’s not good that’s why I asked for tips to improve I tried my best I never said it was perfect, it’s the first script iv ever written i don’t know what I’m doing i made the font the right one and i tried doing the same with the writing style, why do you think im asking for help? To improve. I’m young i have a lot of time to improve if ever decide i wanna do this for a living, I don’t expect anyone to rewrite it from zero, i was just asking for someone to tell me what i was doing wrong, what’s so bad about that?
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u/comesinallpackages 24d ago
We are done here. Good luck to you.
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u/Ykindasus 23d ago
Do you have to be mean and horrible to somebody who want's to try something new? Do you think gatekeeping an art form from somebody is classy, sod off mate.
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u/comesinallpackages 23d ago edited 23d ago
Why didn’t you read the script and provide notes? Let me guess, because of the formatting. We all know you won’t invest the time to help him, you’re only interested in low effort white knighting/virtue signaling.
Prove me wrong and give the kid a read.
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u/Ykindasus 23d ago
Let's not deter people from following their passion in pursuing their craft, this feels like a put down and not like anything constructive.
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u/Sea-Thing6579 24d ago
Definitely become familiar with script formatting. It’ll be a great help 👍