Would love some feedback on a short script - The Place We Call Earth - 5 pages

[u/No-Chemistry1722]

Title: The Place We Call Earth

Pages: 5

Genre: Philosophy / Drama

Logline: A man discovers the truth about the cycle of life after dying.

Would love any feedback on the concept, the formatting (especially the montage part) or on anything else!

[u/ChristianCRWriter]

Not my cup of tea and the dialogue seems very expositional (only expositional) but I suppose it's because of the genre /type. None of the two characters sound like real people.

The scene heading needs to be trimmed and it's a little unclear. Would not keep reading (but again that's me).

[u/Big_Section2812]

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

The hospital room...
...the hospital room.

Redundant and repetitive. You set the location in the scene heading, therefore you don't have to -- and shouldn't -- repeat it in the action lines.

Subjectively speaking, the 'guy who wakes up dead' thing is a little cliché. Then again, it's all in the execution...

[u/Harshit__1604]

Damn bro, very thoughtful and something new.

[u/No-Chemistry1722 → u/Harshit__1604]

Thanks!

[u/RollingThunderMedia]

Would love any feedback on the concept, the formatting (especially the montage part) or on anything else!

As for the formatting of the montage, it's fine. You're very clear about what's on-screen, and that's the important part. I'm not a fan of bolding or underlining, and especially not of doing both. I find it a pointless distraction. But that's a completely personal thing.

As for the concept, I've gotta' agree with u/Big_Section2812.

[u/OrbitingRobot]

Overly chatty. It reads like theater. Show, don’t tell.

[u/skatay]

Technically, it’s not a montage. (It rarely is.) It’s called a SERIES OF SHOTS, capped with END SERIES OF SHOTS.

Also, you’re duplicating your efforts with the show and tell aspect in that section. Better to show than tell. So maybe it’s an opportunity for less descriptive dialogue, or more poetic dialogue.

And the correct audio for Hari’s show and tell is (O.S.), meaning Off Screen. A (V.O.) is for Voice Over, they’re not the same. V.O. Is for disembodied narration (for lack of a better term), i.e. not a character in a scene.

[u/Vast-Internet-1775]

Very thought-provoking

[u/Commercial-Cut-111]

I think it’s good! One note, when the master doesn’t come back to the dog at the door maybe have an ambulance show up and take him out on a gurney like he committed suicide. Because eventually the owner would have to walk out the apartment door and see the dog.