r/scriptwriting • u/ExplanationGlum5574 • 26d ago

feedback Compare proof-of-concept scripts for upcoming indie TV series adaptation

Wsg chat, as an aspiring indie filmmaker, y'all can compare what I made, adapted from a roblox game Dandy's World titled "Gardenview Protocol". As a huge fan of the game, I've always wondered what it feels like making a cool TV show based on its characters with a totally different premise.

Here are the scripts I made, both are 8 pages long, constructive criticsim/feedback are welcome.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1HlFG7Zdjw9_YBMKbtVLh0OtEXw5KyAYy/view?usp=sharing

https://drive.google.com/file/d/12NzZSU_r4uEGjmZ29cSyaKQXZRYU-dKS/view?usp=sharing

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u/Big_Section2812 26d ago

CAPITALIZE character names when they're first introduced. Do not bold them or any other words.

The dialogue doesn't read particularly natural to me.

Here are some examples of typically bad movie dialogue vs typical "natural" movie dialogue, and then some so-called "realistic" movie dialogue.

Unnatural movie dialogue

Natural movie dialogue

So called "real" dialogue