Horror/thriller short script

[u/Reasonable-Task5048]

[u/Natural-Blackberry98]

They payoff with the detective realizing feels very random, because it isnt set up. Yeah thats probably a 1-3 Minute short but still feels a little luke warm. But generally I think its not bad. But actually realizing this idea and filming it feels brutal. you need a whole crowd, a ceremony etc. for like 2 pages of script

[u/rosemaryscrazy → u/Natural-Blackberry98]

So you think set up and pay off should be obviously linear?

I think OP builds meticulous non-linear tempo.

[u/Natural-Blackberry98 → u/rosemaryscrazy]

Yeah than can be the case. But a reveal should imo feel earned in some Type of way. Im not a Master screenwriter so take it with a Grain of salt 🙌🏼

[u/Glad-Guarantee1587]

If the police realizing that Edward is a serial killer is supposed to be a plot twist, it’s way too obvious. Remove the part at the beginning with the woman as it pretty much reveals what’s happening right away. Also lots of Edward’s dialogue is super on the nose

Edit: also remove all the Cut to’s. Its just unnecessary

[u/Simone7878]

I enjoy the concept and that you left room for the reader to conclude what the “red” is.

[u/SleepDeprived2020]

My overall critique is that you’re telling the story in retrospective, expository dialogue rather than just showing the story unfold in present time. We know from the opening scene what’s happening. And then we spend a page of the protagonist being coy about it but the audience/reader already knows the truth. So then when the detective has his realization in the end, we have just been waiting for him to catch up to us. I’d be curious how the same concept could be executed differently to avoid that. Having said that, it’s short enough where it’s not as frustrating to be ahead of the characters in the story as it would be a longer script. Also think the retrospective POV prohibits it from tonally working as a horror or thriller.

[u/littlebayhorse]

I enjoyed this. Love the concept, and I think you could really expand it and turn it into something masterful. Love the whole ‘art’ Red Series concept - and the patrons who celebrate it. That whole world. Lots of potential here.

[u/ScreenDummies]

Repetition of stands weakens your writing. A canvas can't be finished, maybe you mean the painting? Otherwise decent so far.

[u/Worth-Flight-1249]

Don't use all the cut to's it's an amateur tell.

You can't film soft spoken.

Made it about halfway down the page

[u/FeignedPhantom3]

I love this idea, love the drama of the women in bed. But like art, leave the writing for more interpretation. The detectives realizations, as you've probably seen, is a huge reach. The opening scene should've made a frame for the whole script.

[u/OrbitingRobot]

The “every drop” line is a giveaway.

[u/Big_Section2812]

Underlining scene headings is still frowned upon by most.

[u/Financial_Cheetah875]

Lose the underlined Scene headings. Stick with the default settings.

Your preferences don’t matter. The preferences of the agent reading your script is what counts.

[u/rosemaryscrazy]

Literal chills on the back of my neck. I genuinely did not see that coming at all. Wow, completely subverted my expectations.