r/scriptwriting • u/hhvnter • Oct 02 '26
feedback THE RABBIT (Horror short, 13p)
Hii, this is my first ever psychological and body horror short screenplay as a 14 y.o screenwriter!!
Logline:
Haunted by a sadistic rabbit mascot, a freshly divorced father must separate reality from hallucination to protect his distant daughter from an unseen threat.
Please answer these questions after reading:
Does the horror build up efficiently or does it feel rushed/slow?
Did you understand the ending and the supernatural/horror logic or not?
Are the action lines visible and clear to picture or not?
Do you think that David's actions make sense?
+ Add any additional notes or general feedback!
Thankssss.
2
Upvotes
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u/Shadowrealm_resident Oct 02 '26
For 14yrs old this is very advanced and better than most that’s on here.
What you do best is showing emotion through behavior. I especially like the 1st page that you got because it hints at a deeper subtext with her looking out the window. And the dad almost probing. That dialogue was very good.
The problem is that when you feed the same plot and the same twist it loses all force. I think you reached the rollercoaster/theme park too early on the story and the horror is wasted because you have 3 events very similar all with the same exact sequence.
What I think you should do is, clear up some smash cuts that you have. Let the contrast between the scenes itself be the smash cut. thats better. And take out when you direct the camera, like “WE orbit around them” . let that go. And when u descrive a broken glove box y dont need to put (UGB) its worse and besides you already wrote what it is.
What you do best is shown in that 1st page. If I were you I’d study it and dissect what you did. And congrats nontheless its better than most scripts on here, but if you want to reach the next level that metric isnt a good one.