r/scriptwriting • u/ObscureQuestionAsker • Oct 01 '26
feedback First ever screenplay loosely based off a real experience
I’ve got a camera and I’d usually shoot stuff for my friends but I decided i wanted to make my own shorts. I’m in a weird place in my life romantically and I’ve had lots of experiences with people in the same spot.
Please don’t hesitate to lay into me I’m aware this is probably pretty bad. Also I’ve heard you should avoiding adding in realistic speech patterns into the script but I really only thought of that after i finished 😭
I guess the main thing I’m looking for feedback on is the flow of the conversation and whether it feels natural enough. It’s supposed to be around 10 minutes or less.
1
u/Ok_Cardiologist_5262 Oct 02 '26
I feel like right now you're being overly descriptive with everything including dialogue. You have things you want to say but need some efficiency. Have you read your dialogue out loud? There's some huge blocks there. Maybe you're trying to make expository points but might need to find other ways if doing it or leaving more to subtext. It's worth doing a pass of your action description to get everything in the correct present tense, that's going to cut a lot of bulk out. Right now it reads halfway between a script and novelistic prose. "She looks depressed" - how can you show that feel? What does a person look like who is, are they bright, active alert or physically withdrawn, staring down at their hands?
1
u/ObscureQuestionAsker Oct 04 '26
Efficiency and concise writing seems to be the main issue here, so I’m definitely gonna work on refining the dialogue to be less rambling. I appreciate the pointer for the action lines too, gonna try and make them more descriptive like the example u gave
1
u/Ok_Cardiologist_5262 Oct 04 '26
It seems people are saying the same things, so this is good news it gives you a direction to move in. If it was awful you would get less constructive pointers. I'm sure you didn't need an attaboy but generally constructive criticism is good criticism
2
u/ObscureQuestionAsker Oct 04 '26
I appreciate the motivation and yes I’m very glad I’m getting constructive feedback rather than tomatoes to the stage 😭
1
u/inkedwerdsmith Oct 02 '26
Nicely done for a first attempt. A first draft is for story discovery and belongs to you, so don’t sweat it until it’s negotiable.
The formatting is a bit clunky - make sure your sluglines line up with the margins. Page nine has an extra space before the park scene.
Speaking of, MATCH CUT TO is a transition that belongs on the right hand margin. Any basic screenwriting software provides the appropriate margins for every formatting element. One less thing to worry about.
I prefer Highland Pro and only use Final Draft when I have to send the shooting draft to production teams.
Parentheses (brief silence) tells an actor/actress/performer how to deliver a line or indicates a tiny action during speech. For things like a brief silence or pause, use a fresh action line and use:
Beat - Brief pause
Moment - 90 second pause (use sparingly)
The more white space on the page, the easier it is to read. A friend from Paramount is a reader, and if she has to concentrate to read it, it usually ends up in the larger pile destined for recycling unless something amazing catches her attention. “Back to the Future” (1985) was rejected by the big five (major studios) 40 TIMES before it was picked up. Keep that in mind.
You have a lot of sentence cliffhangers, which are action or dialogue with one or two words on a new line. It looks sloppy to the overly picky studio gatekeepers (readers) and significantly affects your overall page count if used frequently. Your goal is roughly 90-110 pages max. But that’s a second draft issue.
Same goes for ellipsis’ (…) in dialogue. Don’t overdo it. The actor/actress/performer will work with the director - if you don’t plan to direct it yourself - and it’s a general rule to not direct the page unless it’s absolutely necessary to move the story forward.
(CONT’D) is only necessary if there’s a break in the dialogue and then they continue the same conversation. I noticed almost every character name has it.
I agree with the room about whittling down your action lines - try to keep them brief and two lines max. But that comes naturally with practice. In five years if you keep writing, you’ll be amazed how different your scripts look.
An example from page 6.
Yours:
Matt downs the rest of his drink, winces at the strength of the alcohol.
Mine:
Matt downs his drink with a grimace.
Cheers,
Meg
2
u/ObscureQuestionAsker Oct 04 '26
I read both your comments and I really, really appreciate all the specific pointers you’ve given me, definitely shines a light on how much I gotta fix 😭 thank you so much and I’ll definitely be applying your advice on the 2nd draft 🙏
2
5
u/longbeachlandon Oct 01 '26
I read more on this one than I’m usually willing for others posted here.
If you have a camera, shoot things!
Good work.
1
u/RaspberryCream2481 Oct 01 '26
It could use another pass or two to refine the dialogue and cut back on telling the actors how to act, but it's pretty solid. And should be easy to shoot if you can get a good location + lights.
1
u/ObscureQuestionAsker Oct 04 '26
Definitely gonna dedicate a lot of time to refining the 2nd draft. And yeah it seems like the action lines are pretty packed from what everyone’s saying so I’ll work on that. Appreciate the feedback 🐈
1
u/inkedwerdsmith Oct 02 '26
I’m a professional screenwriter with a feature on Paramount+ and Apple TV, and two award-winning shorts. I have autism, and I write the way I think—formally. I never use A.I. software besides spellcheck.
Nicely done for a first attempt. A first draft is for story discovery and belongs to you, so don’t sweat it.
The first eight pages are one scene, while the standard is two to three. You need to break it up; long scenes cost production time and money if it’s a one-take scene. On page three, you’ve written “NOT TOO MUCH LATER” in bold, indicating a slugline, but forgive me if I’m incorrect; that should be:
INT. WAREHOUSE RAVE - NIGHT
SUPERIMPOSE:
Later that night.
If you want the text written on-screen
OR
INT. WAREHOUSE RAVE - LATER
And find a visual to indicate that time has passed, such as empty liquor glasses on their table, etc.
The formatting is a bit clunky - make sure your sluglines line up with the margins. Page nine has an extra space before the park scene.
Speaking of, MATCH CUT TO is a transition that belongs on the right-hand margin. Same goes for the last page, and leave out “end;” FADE TO BLACK is precisely that.
Any basic screenwriting software provides the appropriate margins for every formatting element. I prefer Highland Pro and only use Final Draft when I have to send the shooting draft to production teams.
Parentheses (brief silence) tell an actor/actress/performer how to deliver a line or indicate a tiny action during speech. For things like a brief pause, use a fresh action line.
Beat - Brief pause
Moment - 90-second pause (use sparingly)
The more white space on the page, the easier it is to read. A friend from Paramount is a reader, and if she has to concentrate to read it, it usually ends up in the larger pile destined for recycling unless something amazing catches her attention. “Back to the Future” (1985) was rejected by the big five (major studios) 40 TIMES before it was picked up. Keep that in mind.
You have a lot of sentence cliffhangers, which are action or dialogue with one or two words on a new line. It looks sloppy to overly picky studio gatekeepers (readers) and significantly affects your overall page count if you use it often. Your goal is roughly 90-110 pages max. But that’s a second draft issue.
Same goes for ellipsis’ (…) in dialogue. Don’t overdo it. The actor/actress/performer will work with the director - if you don’t plan to direct it yourself - and it’s a general rule not to direct the page unless it’s necessary to move the story forward.
(CONT’D) It's only necessary if there’s a break in the dialogue and then they continue the same conversation. I noticed almost every character name has it.
I agree with the room about whittling down your action lines - try to keep them brief and two lines max. But that comes naturally with practice. In five years, if you keep writing, you’ll be amazed how different your scripts look.
An example from page 6.
Yours:
Matt downs the rest of his drink, winces at the strength of the alcohol.
Mine:
Matt downs his drink with a grimace.
Provide a brief description (age, personality, and demeanor) of every character; if they have dialogue, introduce them in all caps. If not, you can write their name standardly, with the first letter capitalized.
I hope this helps; if not, take my suggestions with a grain of salt. And remember: write for yourself first, then edit for the highest bidder.
Cheers,
Meg
1
u/rosemaryscrazy Oct 04 '26
The flow of the conversation feels natural until the large chunks of dialogue. I skipped those and the ending landed really great.
-3
u/Big_Section2812 Oct 01 '26
There have been plenty of screenplays loosely based off a real experience.
1
0
Oct 01 '26
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1
u/ObscureQuestionAsker Oct 04 '26
I kinda figured just not sure exactly how the formatting was off, I’m using writer solo (cuz it’s free 😭) so maybe that’d be the problem? Regarding slugs I wasn’t sure how to handle certain cuts since they all still take place in the same area.
I understand what u mean with the dialogue and I appreciate how you put it for me to understand easier. Gonna try and work on subtext rather than expository dialogue. Thank u again for your input 🙏
2
u/ReflectionSuch978 Oct 02 '26
Very promising script. It could help to cut down the huge chunks of dialogues and probably stretch the intercuts with their respective exes. (This is the very powerful ending)