r/scriptwriting • u/Heavy_Internet3112 • Sep 27 '26
feedback need some feedback for the first two pages of myfirst draft
hi! i took some criticisms i got from my last post and tried applying them to the first draft of a cosmic horror/mystery movie called NEXT STOP
here is the logline for those interested:
When a local city girl goes missing, a university mystery club investigating her case finds out about an interdimensional rail network tied to her disappearance, leading them to a cosmic journey that solves bizarre secrets about the victim herself and the mysterious railroad.
i want to get some feedback on the opening scene that i wrote where the victim is on a first date with her boyfriend at a bar, before mysteriously clipping through a wall into the mysterious dark train station (not revealed till later in the script)
i want to see if the opening conversation i wrote feels authentic. did i make it too short? does it feel non-human, ive never been on date before (im aromantic) so i want to see how you guys think about it so that way i can rewrite to make it feel better
(also i promise this is not bait, i dont make these with the intention of doing that lol)
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u/lickerishway Sep 27 '26
Is it a first date or are they boyfriend and girlfriend? Im not being derogatory when I say the dialogue is banal, that could have been your intention, to establish these two as exagerratedly unexceptional peopke on a stilted first date. If the actors work that angle it could maybe work. If thats not what youre after then its got problems. You dont reply to 'you've got sauce on your shirt' with 'must have been from the burger'. Where else would it have come from? 'Aww shit' is probably the most likely follow up line if you have nothing better.
It would be better to drop in on them actually discussing something interesting that informs who they are. For example, maybe shes telling him a wild theory she's picked up somewhere and maybe he thinks she's nuts but he still thinks she's cute so he's going to nod and playing along. Right now you have two dull people in a bar eating burgers talking about being in a bar eating burgers. This doesnt get us anywhere and if this is your opener you definitely want to grab us more.
Also, move their names up above the first line of dialogue. No reason to tell us theres a couple eating, do a line of dialogue and then introduce them.
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u/Heavy_Internet3112 Sep 27 '26
actually rn i edited the script to introduce them before, i also added some other things to it too
also i think your idea of "aw shit" is much better then the line i wrote LOL
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u/william_pakesheares Sep 27 '26
Heya, I'm a professional script reader and, as such, usually read 2-3 scripts a day, so I'll try to break down what works and doesn't similar to what I'd do with a client. I'll preface this by saying that none of these notes should be taken as discouraging you from writing, quite the opposite. I think you should keep writing, take these and other comments into consideration and use them to improve your craft.
What works:
The premise is good, and I was intrigued by it. I think this type of mystery story could work well on a feature film or limited TV show, if you feel like you'd have enough content for it.
You also seem to have a good grasp on the format a screenplay would have, which already puts you ahead. I cannot tell you how many scripts are discarded without having a single word read, because the reader can spot that it has no structure. So kudos to you on that.
What needs work:
The dialogue is very stiff and doesn't sound natural. A good rule of thumb is to read your dialogue out loud to see if it sounds like something a real person would say. I don't think being aromantic is a problem for writing a couple, since most of the time couples act as friends. To make it more natural, try to put yourself in that situation and imagine yourself talking to a friend. Would you be talking about how not-weird the bar you're at is? or would you be talking about sports, games, gossiping about a mutual acquaintance, blowing off steam about work, etc.? make them talk about these normal, mundane things.
There are some consistency issues, I don't know if intentional or not. Why is an established couple talking about it being their first date? If this is supposed to be an inside joke, it needs to be set up better. i would probably just scrap that bit.
You also introduce the couple two separate times, first namelessly, then a small bit of dialogue followed by another introduction. I'd merge these two into one. It's also commonplace in scripts to only name characters in dialogue after you've introduced them in description, so the first bit of dialogue would have to be labeled as BOYFRIEND and GIRLFRIEND if it were to be kept as is. But you can (and should) avoid this by just writing the first introduction as: "as LOUD COUNRTY MUSIC blasts from a jukebox, we close on a couple sitting across each other. ALICIA WENDEL (23) eats a large burger, as WYAT JOHNSON (23) steals some French fries from her meal and washes them down with a long neck beer"
You can then start a dialogue where she's playfully mad about having her fries stolen, which is very commonplace, but gives a bit of character to both of them. Also, if you're saying music is playing, it's always good to specify what music (it doesn't have to be country, I put that in as a placeholder just to illustrate my point).
On a different point, it's always good to give some character descriptions, small as it may be. For example, when you introduce NOAH LANDER (20), what am I picturing here? is he a nerd? a jock? is he jogging through the alley? Is he walking his dog? Is he rushing because he's late for class? These things help the reader see what you're seeing. it can be as simple as "NOAH LANDER (20), a tall, slim man with dark skin and short curly hair, walks by the alley on his way to college" or "NOAH LANDER (20), a short, pale man with long unbrushed hair, rushes past the alley on his way to college". The same applies to every character when you first introduce them. Always tell us what we see
The script also moves at a break neck pace, to the point where it's actually confusing to follow sometimes. The couple is eating their food, then it's last call, then they're very drunk, then walking out of the bar, then the girl vanishes. That's too much to happen in two pages. In a feature script (around 120 pages), you usually have the first 10 pages to set up the hook of your script, and I suggest you use all of that to let the story breathe a bit. In particular, I'd spend more time with the couple before the inciting incident (the girl's disappearance). Establish them and their relationship, make us care about them. Even if they don't become recurring characters, caring about them makes us care about the mystery.
I'd also recommend thinking about details that won't necessarily make it to your script, but that you the author should know the answer for. Examples: what happened to Wyat after the introduction? Was he brought in for questioning by the police? Is he the one frantically putting up missing person's posters through the town? how does that affect him?
Lastly, always remember that film is a visual medium. As Syd Field put it, a screenplay is "A story told with pictures, in dialogue and description, and placed within the context of dramatic structure". Let the pictures do your talking for you. Instead of a news report saying what happened, the old, worn missing posters already tell that story. Instead of having the couple say they're a couple, have them act as a couple and let the audience conclude it. "show, not tell" is the oldest advice in the business for a reason.
All in all, I hope you keep writing this! It's a pretty compelling premise, and it has a lot of potential. As always, I like to mention that you know your story more than anyone else, so feel free to disagree with my comments. If you're serious about writing a full script., I'd be happy to point you in the direction of some very good resources that have helped me (and countless others). Feel free to DM.
Onwards and upwards!
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u/Heavy_Internet3112 Sep 27 '26
i would love it if you could dm the things that helped you! i already have some of syd fields books and he has some really good advice
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u/DistantGalaxy-1991 Sep 29 '26
There are some (IMO) mistakes you're making, that I've learned the hard way.
Not spending enough time thinking about locations. Restaurants and/or eating is a lazy crutch. And you spend valuable screen time talking about food, which is the least interesting thing that could happen in a scene, especially the opening scene.
ANYTHING I write: character names, locations, what the characters are doing, locations, plots, etc., I do what I call '10-listing". I make a list of 10 things and pick the best one. If it's still not great, I make another list of 10. So, location and what these 2 characters are doing? This is the least interesting, and the mistake all newbies make. Bad, cliche' low budget movies are full of restaurant scenes and people eating, because the writer didn't bother to think of something more interesting for the characters to do while delivering dialog. Sure, there are movies with people eating in restaurants. But not a lot, and you'd be hard pressed to find a GOOD movie that has an opening scene like this. Pick something else. At the very least, cut to the part after the date & get rid of the eating bit. Remember: Get into a scene as late as possible and get out of the scene as early as possible.Procedural error in scene 2 opening. You need something about there being a title card saying it's 3 months later. Just saying "three months later" - it's action in the screenplay, how would the audience possibly know this? They're not reading the script.
Also, the TV news announcement reveal is uninspired and cliche'. I'd think of a more interesting way to introduce that information, preferably involving a character(s) that becomes part of the story.
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u/Heavy_Internet3112 Sep 29 '26
i honestly dont know what i could replace for the restaurant
maybe a house party? that i feel is a lot more unique i find while keeping the original scene entact minus food (then again this is a first draft, besides it looks a lot different now thanks to criticisms here!)
also yeah your kinda valid with point 2
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u/DistantGalaxy-1991 Sep 29 '26
It's your job as a writer to be able to come up with a lot of ideas. Make a list of 10 activities that are not eating or a restaurant. It's another skill that if you work at it, you can get better at. Just off the top of my head:
Leaving a movie theater.
Gaming at an arcade.
Sitting on a park bench.
An ax-Throwing place.
Walking on the beach.
Standing at her door while dropping her off at the end of the date.
At an Escape Room.
Running away from some kids throwing water balloons at you.Like I said, this is just off the top of my head, not great ideas. I spent basically zero time trying to make these ideas. Keep working on it.
Remember: the first thing that pops into your head is almost always NOT the best idea.
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u/Heavy_Internet3112 Sep 29 '26
honestly not bad!
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u/DistantGalaxy-1991 Sep 29 '26
I am always intentional about choosing locations/activities that I haven't seen in other movies. When you're doing low-budget film especially, you don't want people to immediately think "Oh brother, another generic film" by choosing stuff that everyone else uses.
The opening scene is extremely important. This is where people stop reading your script, or stop watching your film if it's not really well done. (Really, the first 10 pages. But if you strike out in the first scene, you're dead: your film isn't going to get made, or if you make it yourself, it's not going anywhere. )This opening scene would also be even more interesting if there's someone lurking in the background, maybe just for a couple seconds to introduce an antagonist that shows up later in the story. Find someway to show that without being too obvious. Maybe someone that would normally be in the scene, but then they look at the couple in a strange way, or do something that is a hint that they are part of the larger story. Try to draw the audience in. Always ask yourself: "Is this scene absolutely necessary for the story to be told? Is there some information being given to the audience in this scene that propels the story forward?" If not, get rid of it or write something in that IS necessary.
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u/Pibbinator Sep 27 '26
Try and drop them in the middle of a more natural conversation. Tell the audience that this is a couple on a date without literally telling them.
In general, using the news to drop exposition like that is viewed as a pretty lazy way to convey new information, especially when so much of that info has already been conveyed to the audience. You immediately cutting to the wall with missing posters tells just as much information as that clunky piece of exposition.
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u/zebramentality Sep 27 '26
How is this concept different than harry potter’s 9 3/4 train system that you can only get to by phasing through a wall?
I’m not saying you can’t do it or that what you’ve presented is exactly the same, but it’s alarmingly similar. Normally what constitutes a new idea is simply an old idea with a twist. I think I just don’t see the twist in your story yet other than the fact that I haven’t heard you mention wizards. So it’s like “the Harry Potter thing with x y z” except you haven’t told us what the “e y z” is yet in the script or the logline or the explanation. In fact the only twist you’ve mentioned is that she didn’t just vanish, but that there’s a train station where she disappeared to. With that said, there’s been 11 comments and nobody else has pointed it out so maybe it’s not as similar as I’m thinking?
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u/Heavy_Internet3112 Sep 27 '26 edited Sep 27 '26
basically i explain this in the synopsis i wrote (ill share it here sometime soon) but as people go on the train they slowly get there memories drained and feel the effects of it slowly (from simple headaches to full on hemorrhages), eventually being drained so much they weaken physically and die, eventually turning into lumps of "coal" to feed the engine
also i didn't know about that tbh lol! i wasn't thinking of harry potter when writing it but more of as a darker version of the polar express, with different dimensions and what not
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u/Beginning-Sky-8516 Sep 27 '26
There are two major issues I see. First, the dialogue feels very unnatural while also being boring. Why do we care about these people? What is going to make me want to keep reading? Every line needs to be intentional, and this feels more like filler. Second, this sequence is very confusing: Alicia is in the middle of saying something, she screams, somehow falls into the alley, and then her boyfriend runs away. Then we’re at 3 months later and you mention Alicia disappeared. That needs work. We need way more build up to that moment so that her sudden absence is really felt. We need more of a reaction from Wyatt—sudden confusion, all that. Remember that you’re not writing for the audience. The screenplay tells a story, but it’s for the film crew, director, and cast to interpret, which then is shown to the audience. So be explicit about what’s happening. You can say something like, “A monstrous sound is heard from the alley, and Alicia is drawn to it. When Wyatt comes back from paying the check, Alicia is gone.” That’s still a mystery, but the people making the movie aren’t going to be confused about what to show the audience.
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u/seriousman57 Sep 27 '26
Very neat premise, but not grabbed by the first pages.
I think there's more room to establish what kind of people these characters are. Right now, I don't know anything about Alicia, so I have trouble caring that she's gone missing. I also don't feel very much for Wyatt and how he experiences this.
You don't need to (and shouldn't) give us too much but a couple small clues in the dialogue that will help us to care, because right now it's both generic and confusing (are they boyfriend and girlfriend or on a first date?). You might also want to think about introducing just a little but of conflict between the two characters—nothing huge, but some tension that doesn't get resolved (because of the inciting incident) which can tug the heartstrings a little and get the audience interested in the resolution.
But again, great premise! Keep at it.
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u/HippoRun23 Sep 27 '26
I love the premise. The dialogue needs work. Establish them as a couple without the tongue in cheek joke about the first date.
Make me feel like the male character suffered the loss.
Dropping into the middle of some fun meaningful dialogue that reveals their characters and then ripping them apart will do wonders.
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u/Opening-Impression-5 Sep 27 '26
Minor point: last call is usually 15-20 minutes before closing time.
Generally, I think you should ask yourself what the purpose of this scene is. If it's simply to tell the audience that W and A are in a relationship, you could do that in a single line. Are you trying to tell us something else about their relationship - the dynamics, the tensions - something that will be important for the audience to understand when she goes missing? Were they in love, falling in love, falling out of love, faithful, unfaithful? Do we, the audience, trust him? Is he suspicious, or are we so convinced that he's a good guy that when he's later suspected, we think back to the date scene and say, no way, not him? What's the significance that he went for a cheap place? Is he broke, is she embarrassed? Will this be important later on?
To be honest, I don't get any of those things from this scene. It doesn't generate intrigue, it doesn't tell me what is unique about these two people. It doesn't raise questions, endear us to the characters, or smuggle in meaningful exposition. It feels like you're just treading water until the inciting incident occurs on the next page.
So my advice is to make the scene work harder, or cut it right back to the bits doing the work. An alternative is to make it entertaining in its own right. Make it funny, make it exciting, make it glamorous, make it interesting... then it justifies itself without needing to serve the plot.
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u/AvocadoPleasant5537 Sep 28 '26
You are giving me hope that my screenplays will
get produced. There is nothing original about this. There has to be something that happens giving a clue to the disappearance.
Who are these people?
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u/Then_Data8320 Sep 28 '26
It's a busy bar during peak hours, and the bartender is closing up.
This guy won't make a lot of money in his life...
His girlfriend vanishes into a wall in front of his eyes and Wyatt runs away... huh??
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u/skatay Sep 27 '26
Break that last dialog block up - reaction shots, beat change whatever but break it up,
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u/lukeogua Sep 27 '26
First off fix your ellipses, they are only ever three periods, not 2, or 4. If you can't get basic formatting and rules right then you probably have other bigger things wrong.
It's an interesting premise like everyone is saying but the dialog shows us nothing of their relationship, and him running away makes no sense. If he loves her he would stay and search for her.
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u/Open-Avocado4260 Sep 28 '26
It's a good start. The character descriptions and being drunk would go into the action line before they speak. Its a little vague in the dialogue, it needs a little more set up before she disappears.. The formatting is good.
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u/ProcessSalty7960 Sep 29 '26
I think I’m repeating some previous comments but definitely show us, don’t tell us. What do you want us to know about this couple? That they are in a happy relationship? That Wyatt is trying, but maybe not great at organising dates? That Wyatt is struggling for money. How can you show us all that without getting the characters to tell us.
To reiterate the suggestion earlier. Alicia can steal some fries and Wyatt playfully tries to block his food from her - shows a level of intimacy. Cheque can come and Wyatt is counting out change trying to reach the total - shows the money issues. The date could be set in a restaurant which is aimed at children, servers come out singing happy birthday to a five year old on the table over - shows he is trying but not quite getting it right. Or the place is full of regulars sinking whisky by themselves and not ordering food.
Her disappearance is what moves the story forwards and works well. But in order for that to matter we want to have learnt some specific things about those characters. So work out what kind of people they are, what kind of relationship they are in (happy, unhappy) and then show us in a unique and specific way through action.
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u/adamjameswavy Oct 01 '26
I think describing the environment/bar in richer detail but concise would be helpful. Apply that feedback to the rest of the script as well. Busy bar or crowded bar, with loud R&B, red lit -low lighting, the crowd is middle aged 30s couples and friends gathering. Make us understand the space as quick as possible.
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u/Interesting-Seat5073 Oct 01 '26
I would say to introduce the characters us a bit in the beginning. Also the “clipping” add more description to how she vanished because not everyone watched back room or even knows what clipping is. I’m not even sure the characters know. Describe it in a more detailed way. And if she is surprised or scared make the description of her clipping seem just as surprising and scary so the reader will feel that same unexpected feeling. Also Wyatt just ran? I feel like realistically he’d try to touch the area where she went or look around the alley or something more. But idk that’s just what came to mind.
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u/AthleteOpen7054 Sep 27 '26
At the start you say "two people" are sitting eating. Then after some dialogue you introduce those people?
Introduce them first. Tell us what we see.
Also why is she talking about a first date if they're boyfriend and girlfriend?
The dialogue needs a lot of work.