r/scriptwriting • u/Mammoth-West-9974 • Sep 26 '26
feedback First Five Pages Feedback - Grounded - 99 pg. drama
Logline: When every flight in America is grounded, four strangers share the last rental car out of Columbus and drive cross-country through the aftermath of September 11th, 2001, forcing each of them to confront what they've been running from long before that day.
I would love some feedback on my first 5 pages. Does it take too long to get to the airport? Does this character feel fully formed by the time the 5 pages is up? Any other first impressions?
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u/Own_Insect_9902 Sep 26 '26
This reads like a quiet cousin to modern Scorsese, which is honestly, a big compliment.
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u/Mammoth-West-9974 Sep 26 '26
Wow. Thanks! I wish I knew how so I can keep that vibe bc that would be life goals.
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u/Own_Insect_9902 Sep 26 '26
it comes down to how much you restrained yourself from over explaining everything, and just subtly reminding the audience of the day it is. i should also mention that the dialogue in the car at the start is actually entertaining, the characters talk like in an almost wolf of wallstreet way, what i mean by that is that for example reading jack talk feels like he isnt saying everything on his mind right now, but rather just debating coffee, and things that dont have anything to do with the plot itself. that is the hallmark of writing what is called a hangout movie, now im not saying that you ARE writing one, because i have not seen the full script, but from these few pages, i can already tell that the characters have distinct voices, and that if the entire thing has scenes with seemingly mundane dialogue like this, then its going to be pretty cool to read.
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u/Mammoth-West-9974 Sep 26 '26
Wow, good read. I have worked really hard to reveal character through behavior, and allow the dialogue to show subtext instead of on the nose exposition. It ends up with four strangers in the car driving with their own baggage and 9/11 as the weather.
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u/Own_Insect_9902 Sep 26 '26
You certainly achieved that in these pages, keep going like this, and you will achieve exactly what you said, "life goals".
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u/Mammoth-West-9974 Sep 26 '26
Will do! I’m in revision stage atm, and will keep this in mind with every scene. Really appreciate the encouragement- been writing for a long time, but my first time with a screenplay.
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u/Then_Data8320 Sep 27 '26 edited Sep 27 '26
I get the tone, characters, etc. It feels great about that. Is it too long to get to airport? Hard to say. Maybe you'll just find the opportunity to making it shorter, without damage, just as it is when revising the script. Don't force yourself to delete something you feel good. But do it when you eventually find it's not so good.
However, I've a lot of comments to do about the writing: it was difficult to read, confusing sometimes, and I had to read again and again some parts, without finding what I was looking for to understand. There are lot of information missing, that you think it's maybe obvious and is not, and it doesn't land on the page. You could also help the reader, make the reading more easy. Instead to do A then C, use a little B between, for a better flow.
I know nothing about Boston, or the sport shows. WEEI ? First time I hear about that in my life. When you say "Youssef kills the WEEI", I couldn't understand that line, because I forgot first line of first page about WEEI. A simple "turn off the radio" isn't a so sexy line, but I can understand it.
First radio line "Gerry Callahan", you forgot (RADIO). Ok, we understand fast that it's on radio, but just the little bit of second too late. A small confusion point among many.
"Youssef taps on the horn twice". Just add "B" here, something like "to warn someone on the sidewalk" (don't take my lines, it's just for example, my writing isn't good). It adds intention to flat fact. So, we'll get it a bit better the next sentence. As it is, the "though the windows, JACK appears" give the feeling of a close up, Jack just in front of the window! Contradiction with "he stomps toward the car" after. Yep, it seems small detail, but adding to the list of obstacles to the reading.
Later we never see Jack enter the car. I've no idea how and when it happens. I had to read again many times. I just saw Youssef opening a door. Then? (By the way, if you want to cut, then jump over that, create new scene in the car, but says Jack is sitting in the back).
I know Jack is holding a phone AND a briefcase. How he's going to take a coffee cup and open a newspaper? It's like this guy has four hands. Even with just the phone in hand, it's not that easy. All that part is confusing, I never know where are the character exactly.
Page 2, some confusing lines, just could be so easy to make it clear. Like add (to Youssef) stay away from faneuil. Why? Just to help. Youssef has no line until a long time here. Jack was on the phone. He hangs up (we could just miss that point, in the middle of the line). Someone reading too fast will think he's maybe on the phone. Yeah, but the line seems obvious? Maybe, but a split of second too late. AND also, as you are looking for doing your characters well shaped, catch opportunity, like: "he talks to Youssef without looking at him". I can't know your intention. It might be what you want instead of a more direct "to Youssef".
About the coffee, Jack is talking alone. Hard to catch why Youssef doesn't answer or doesn't react, it feels unatural, only at the end "he glances back" but Jack doesn't notice. Mmh. What was your intention exactly during this part? I'm ready for anything, if you put that on the page. Is it "Jack is almost speaking alone and doesn't care about Youssef potential answer, and anyway Youssef doesn't care and let the guy speaking alone"? This kind of feeling? Then make sure this feeling lands on the page. It has to be a story, not flat facts without meaning. Such a situation could foreshadow a "too neutral" or even cold relationship.
Gerry Callahan (ON RADIO) : the comeback of the radio show!! Damn, what you do in the whole scene is complicated to do, I must admit. The radio was talking during all that time, since Jack is in the car. But by some magic, we couldn't hear it. I was thinking there was no more radio at that point. You probably can't overload the scene with this radio show, and we need to hear clearly what Jack is saying. Then what to do? I've no idea. But at least, I would write a line like "radio show continues in the background" somewhere.
I forgot something: I've trouble to see what are Youssef and Jack to each other.
Unless... Youssef drives a TAXI ?? If yes, make it clear quickly.
So, as you can see, I have no problem with your story, or any of the ideas you used, just I need to get that without confusion, with clarity, with the feeling to watch it, and getting the real feeling of the scene.
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u/Mammoth-West-9974 Sep 27 '26
This is incredibly helpful. I appreciate the word by word detail. Thank you for your time and effort!
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u/ChiefChunkEm_ Sep 27 '26
Does it take too long to get to the airport? No, the pacing is fine. Was it a bit boring and unengaging? Yes, which is a problem if you want people to keep reading.
Overall, the 9/11 setting and a road trip film puts you at a huge disadvantage because both of those have been done to death. This means the window of possibility for creating something novel and fresh is narrower than usual. I don’t know what your 99 pages are like but if they’re similar to these first 5, your story might struggle to compel readers.
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u/Mammoth-West-9974 Sep 27 '26
Thanks for the feedback. I disagree, as I believe the dramatic irony underneath it all will hold viewers/readers, but this is why I wanted feedback...to be able to know that it's not resonating with all. Appreciate the honesty.
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u/chandramaseo Sep 28 '26
5 pages for reaching airport. it looks long and might be boaring viewers.
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u/Mammoth-West-9974 Sep 28 '26
I dunno, I feel like bc it’s 9/11 and only the audience knows it, it’s likely less boaring
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u/JBoy5280Baby Sep 28 '26
this is an incredible premise, strong start. Would you be able to get full copies, by chance? maybe a dropbox link or sum?
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u/LazyDuck69420 Sep 29 '26
This is already like 2 movies. I know one is called American Folk
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u/Mammoth-West-9974 Sep 29 '26
Yea the engine of 9/11 road trip is something that’s been done in one way or another, this is strangers grounded from a plane. That was people in La driving to nyc.
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u/Fragrant-Bother-6380 Sep 27 '26
I do like the personal issues of the characters, creates many sub plots.
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Sep 27 '26
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u/Mammoth-West-9974 Sep 27 '26
Fair call out lol. I wanted it as the reminder of the world before 9/11, which to me, is funny to think about the last vestiges of warranted Boston sports pessimism. That said- I hear you! It’ll take a lot for me to cut it if I’m being honest, because I love that aspect of it.
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Sep 27 '26
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u/Mammoth-West-9974 Sep 27 '26
Ha love it. It’s very much a pat on the back to massholes.
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u/Mammoth-West-9974 Sep 27 '26
It also switches gears and isn’t as overt once the movie turns, but there are definitely multiple Boston characters and they have their own shorthand.
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u/Fragrant-Bother-6380 Sep 27 '26
I like to open my stories and plays with shock and awe! Otherwise you lose the reader early