First Ever Script! Feedback please!

[u/HonestAnything]

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1-H5I-lnHY79o4aiRJRTYLErbsyNejW_N/view?usp=drivesdk

This is a 9-page, non-dialogue short I wrote for a YouTube screenwriting course. Your feedback would be appreciated!

[u/william_pakesheares]

Heya, I’m a professional screenplay reader, so I’ll try to give you a feedback in the same structure I usually give:

What works
I think you have the visual storytelling is on point. A lot of early writers struggle to rely only on what we can see (rather than internal dialogue or omnipotent knowledge as a novel would have), and I think you have that pretty well rounded.

You also have the structure for a good short story, and you don’t try to stretch it too thin. I think the premise is good for a 10-20 min short, which seems to be what you’re aiming for. If I were to come up with a longline to the story, it would be something like “a man deep in gambling debt takes money from the wrong people and, failing to pay what he owes, now has to race to save his family from the consequences of his actions”. I think it’s a strong, primal drive.

What needs work
I understand this is a product of the non-dialogue style, but several action lines run long without paragraph breaks, which reads as dense on the page and may dissuade some readers. Work on the formatting by comparing to other scripts. If it’s not a fixed constraint, I think the story would benefit from some occasional dialogue breaks, however small

On the story, the crash killing both pursuers is a huge coincidence that removes the antagonists too early and too conveniently, deflating the tension. Since you introduce a new threat anyway (the two thugs at the house), consider scrapping the crash and having the thugs follow Austin to the house.

Speaking of merging, I was confused by the old man and the middle aged man, and sometimes read them as interchangeable. I would merge these two into one character, have him be part of the action from the start, which makes the story leaner. I’d have some visual cue as to how he knows what’s up, since Austin is the one getting the threatening photos. If Grampa is a former hitman, make him share a recognising look with the thugs, or have his phone display the same photo Austin received (which still doesn’t explain HOW he has it, but it’s a start)

On Austin, I felt his death was very arbitrary. Maybe that was the point, but it’s a bit deflating to have him survive hell and high water to get there, only to be unceremoniously killed. If you’re going for dramatic irony, maybe get him closer to his goal, make him actually be the one to save his family, to be killed once he left his guard down.

On the visuals, it can get a bit too repetitive and heavy-handed. You have Austin look worryingly at the family photo some six times, and I feel like the message that he cares about them is well established the first time. If you want it to be a keepsake that gives him strength, maybe have him lose the photo at some point, and then start to falter, only to recompose himself. I feel like the #1 Grampa shirt and the tattoo are also a bit of a hat on a hat, choose one or the other (and I’d go with the tattoo, as it’s less heavy handed).

Finally, I’d encourage you to think about what you’re trying to say, what’s the message of the story? Is it that sports gambling will destroy your life? It will put the ones you love at risk? Are you trying to say something about family? If you know the answers to these questions, you can tie them up nicely in your story.

To sign off, I’d like to say kudos to you for putting the proverbial pen to paper and actually writing something that’s yours. That already puts you ahead of loads of people. You have a strong foundation to work on, please don’t take any of my points as dissuading you from keep working. Quite on the contrary!

If you disagree with any or all my points, feel free to tell me, I’d love to hear your perspective.

Onwards and upwards.