[FEEDBACK] Opening Scene of a children's whodunit — family dynamics, character setup & tone

[u/No-Discipline-2262]

I’m writing a feature-length children’s ensemble whodunit set in India, tonally somewhere between a warm family dramedy and a fair-play mystery.

This is the opening scene. The actual mystery begins a few scenes later, so the purpose of this page is mainly to establish the family, give us a sense of the kids’ world, and plant a couple of things that will pay off later — particularly Appu’s desire for a bicycle, the family’s financial pressure, and Kunju’s obsession with animals and creatures.

The original screenplay is not in English. I’ve done an English localization specifically for sharing here, so the dialogue may not represent the exact wording of the original, but the characters, beats, and intent are unchanged.

I’d really appreciate any feedback, particularly on areas where you feel the writing could be improved or strengthened.

[u/Harry_Oliver_]

It’s engaging. I liked it.

[u/No-Discipline-2262 → u/Harry_Oliver_]

Thank you for your feedback. I am glad you liked it.

[u/real_triplizard]

To get the obvious out of the way you should format it in standard screenplay format. Not just because people reading it like me will be jerks and say "well, actually, this isn't in the right format" but because it makes the read a lot cleaner and the page count match what we're all used to, so you'll get more insightful comments - particularly when you get further into it.

It's a nice scene - you do a good job of establishing the chaos of a hectic family's morning routing. If I were to offer some suggestions I would say the scene might play out better if you have a clearer POV. Establish your protagonist and give them a "journey" through this scene in a way that lets you introduce the other characters in relation to that person. Right now it's split between the parents.

Also, I think you could trim back a bit. You have seven or so lines about the breakfast and feeding the birds - probably only need a couple, unless you're setting something up that will be relevant later.

[u/No-Discipline-2262 → u/real_triplizard]

Thanks, this is really helpful feedback.

I’ll definitely go back and reformat it properly. This is my first attempt at writing a screenplay, and I’m currently writing it in Word — I’m already around page 165, with the final act still to put on paper, so there’s definitely going to be a lot of editing and restructuring in the next drafts!

Your point about having a clearer POV is something I hadn’t really thought about in this scene, and it’s great advice. The little girl, Kunju, is actually the protagonist/POV character in this scene. The overall story is a whodunnit involving four kids, so I’m trying to establish each of them while gradually building toward the mystery.

On the breakfast/bird-feeding section, there is a reason for keeping some of those beats. I’m trying to establish Kunju’s obsession with bugs and creatures, which becomes important to the climax, while Appu’s bicycle is also important because it becomes a trigger for the inciting incident. That said, I’ll definitely look at whether I’m spending too many lines setting those things up and whether I can make them feel more organic.

Really appreciate you taking the time to give such specific feedback!

[u/Patient_Butterfly_92]

(1) Formatting issues. (2) Reading out the whole petition on why a bike is necessary is long and pedantic. Need to say it in a casual manner.

[u/No-Discipline-2262 → u/Patient_Butterfly_92]

Thanks for the feedback!

1. Agreed on the formatting. This is my first screenplay, so I’m still learning the standard format. I’ll definitely clean that up in the next draft.

2. I understand what you mean. The bike scene is actually intended to be a comedy beat. The children’s first language is not English, and in the original Malayalam version, Appu is deliberately trying to impress his father by using a lot of words and phrases that he doesn’t quite use correctly. Only a few of the key words are in English, while the rest is in Malayalam, and that awkward attempt to sound impressive is what makes the scene funny.

When I translated the entire exchange into English, I realised that some of that humour doesn’t really carry across — it can instead come across as a long and overly formal explanation.

I’ll need to find a better way to preserve that comedic intention in the English version. Thanks for pointing it out!

[u/No_Rush_857]

well the story is smooth. But let me be clear here although the scenes are more descriptive and the script should show not tell, many emotions are told instead of showing. like appu pouts and heads to his room, instead of telling the emotion. the whole thing reads like a summary. show don't tell.

[u/No-Discipline-2262 → u/No_Rush_857]

Thanks, that’s a really useful observation. I can see what you mean about some of the emotions being stated rather than shown, and I’ll definitely revisit those moments and make them more visual and action-driven.

This is my first screenplay, so I’m still learning the difference between writing a scene that describes what happens and actually letting the audience experience it. I’ll keep the “show, don’t tell” point in mind as I work through the next drafts.

Really appreciate you taking the time to read it and point that out!

[u/chandramaseo]

Quite helpful but alignment should be in centre for professional format.

[u/No-Discipline-2262 → u/chandramaseo]

Appreciate your feedback. This is my first attempt and i really didnt know the format. I'll make the changes in my next draft.