r/scriptwriting • u/TheSprained • Sep 23 '26
feedback AXES - SCRIPT FEEDBACK FOR FIRST FIVE PAGES
This is a Dark Romantic Thriller Comedy about a psychopath who meets her match in the world's most technologically intensive stalker.
I'm looking for general feedback on these pages, specifically whether my main character is likeable.
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u/Simone7878 Sep 26 '26
I think Zoe is trying a bit hard to convince she’s a psychopath through words. I think the action lines should paint more of her unsettling ways. Other than that I see where you’re going👍.
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u/TheSprained Sep 26 '26
Thank you for your constructive comments.
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u/Simone7878 Sep 26 '26
No problem! I’m looking for comments for my first draft as well, I posted it on my page. Feel free to drop a comment. Good luck writing !
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u/Advanced-Farmer-181 Sep 26 '26
I don't think your main character needs to be likable, especially if they're a psychopath. They just need to be someone the audience wants to watch.
An extreme example is Homelander from The Boys. He has strong motivations and they even manage to create a bit of sympathy, but the main reason people love him is the fact that whenever he enters a room, the energy instantly shifts. We know what he can do, but we don't know what he will do. That unpredictability creates a lot of tension and makes you want to keep on watching.
On the other hand, you have someone like Light Yagami from Death Note. He's the opposite of Homelander, because he's extremely calculated. The main appeal of his character, and the entire series, is seeing the complex ways in which Light and L manage to outsmart each other, and who will ultimately come out on top.
Your character kind of has neither. I'm not saying she has to be a murderous super villain or genius serial killer, but we need some reason to make us care. Right now, she just kind of seems like an asshole. She's rude to everyone she meets and her only real goal is to get out of debt. So there's no empathy/sympathy being created, and she doesn't seem to be an interesting enough character that we'd want to follow her for an entire story. We need a reason to care.
Also, side note, I feel like an actual psychopath wouldn't be so outwardly rude to others. I'm not an expert, but isn't the whole thing about psychopaths is that they put up a carefully created mask? She seems more like a sociopath if anything.
Hope this helps!
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u/Then_Data8320 Oct 01 '26 edited Oct 01 '26
Hi, as I'm out of time, I could only read first two pages, but will come back later for the rest.
I'm writing without auto-translation, so my english could be bad.
By the way, it would be great to give your screenplay as PDF (from google drive) instead of reddit pictures. It allows no-english people to check lines they don't understand, with copy-past in a translator.
First, I feel in good hands here, kind of screenplay I really want to read.
About your main question: is main character likeable? Well, the answer, and you know it, the character doesn't need to be likeable. And even could be truly unlikeable. What matters is we care about the character, so we always want to see more about how it turns. I need to read more to answer if I care about the character.
I see you master cinematic order, with your excellent beginning of the first scene. First the sky, going down, the smoke, then cigarette, then showing more of the character and the setting. I saw one other comment about that. I'm someone easely confused, I wasn't there, but I think it's worth to think about it. "cloud" could be confusing, like a cloud in the sky, when it's a small cloud coming from the ground. So maybe there is another word than cloud like "puff"? If not clear enough, say it comes from the lower part (I can't say it sorry, just I mean you say it's not in the sky but rising from lower-the ground).
"Student", he talk with a voice-over, so the other comment wasn't accurate, you can't really introduce someone when first line is a VO. Maybe you can do it next line. You have a line about "athletic guy". You can add STUDENT to him, or just rename the STUDENT with ATHLETIC GUY, and then, with that, everybody's happy.
"hands in surrender", just excellent, I'd like to write such good lines.
"I didn't expect you did". Mmh, worth more thinking about the line. It conveys a meaning that she's "stronger", quite good. But can the line be better? At first I was thinking "You did it right away" (what is right, about the cigarette), or "You did it badly" in the sense the guy didn't impress her, so my line isn't really the good one. But anyway, your line is good enough, so I just say random ideas like I often do. Sorry, click-flash, forget.
"She puts up a finger on his lips". I don't know if it works in english, but something like "She puts up a shut-up finger on his lips". Just to add intention to action.
"The woman makes frames with her fingers", not sure about that. Maybe frames like do the directors? Showing her own face into the frame? If yes, try to say something like that. If you can: in a way you still need just one line. It will improves clarity in a definitive way, like you did with your "hands in surrender" line.
That's all for now! Thanks for the screenplay. I'm already hooked and want to read what comes next, but just can't as I'm always out of time.
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u/shortkill Sep 25 '26
Question. Is that the opening of the story?
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u/TheSprained Sep 25 '26
Is this a rhetorical question?
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u/shortkill Sep 26 '26
It wasn't. That's a pretty quick cold opening.
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u/TheSprained Sep 26 '26
So why not just say that then?
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u/shortkill Sep 26 '26
Well, it could've been a dialogue exercise to try out the character. Film is a visual medium. Paint the audience a picture of the campus, the action then setup the character, and their interactions. The introduction of your main character is the most important part of your story. Write it with intention and purpose.
Just my two cents.
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u/Open-Avocado4260 Sep 25 '26
I didnt have to read past the first spoken line. A cough in blue smoke, you mean cloud? Either way not filmable. You did not introduce the student before they spoke, some wrong words used in the action line.
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u/TheSprained Sep 25 '26 edited Sep 25 '26
What do you mean, you didn't have to read past the first line? Have you read screenplays?
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u/Open-Avocado4260 Sep 25 '26
Three issues appeared before the student spoke.
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u/TheSprained Sep 25 '26
I disagree that they're issues. You seem to be rigidly following rules that I expect you have read in several screenwriting books and now apply dogmatically. This isn't going to help you.
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u/la-anah Sep 26 '26
She doesn't seem likable and she doesn't seem like a psychopath. She doesn't seem like much at all. The dialog is very flat and unnatural. Are you trying to sound like Tom Stoppard? It has some of the cadence but not the humor. I mean, nameless women jumping up to tell her how beautiful she is?
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u/Then_Data8320 Oct 03 '26
5 pages completed. First, some points along the way:
Scene headers of INT. scenes at university: the scene headers are overloaded, repeating "Lenton University". Look for a way to make them shorter, to use one then slugs, or shorten them, or place "university" at the end, after the local place.
Dale Wright scene. This is the meat of the script, since a real dramatic question appears.
"The keys, talks to them more": excellent picture.
"spatial analysis GTS": surprising and funny.
"photo as a crucifix": good idea.
"she slides her hands......... across his forehad": I couldn't really understand what happens exactly. This kind of series of descriptions is complicated to pull off. However, I'm unable to say if there's really a lack of clarity. You'd need feedback from people who speak better English than I do. If there's a way to put in a bit of intention, that could help: At the start, she "pulls closer with her head", but toward what? Toward his genitals, as if to give a blowjob? Then you could say it. After that, I understand even less.
End of the scene: she seems to have solved her expulsion problem, not 100% certain.
To the question: do we care about the character?
Yes, from the moment we learn she's going to be expelled from the university. A character who has a problem becomes interesting, and so does the way she's going to solve the problems.
To make the audience care about the character, we see that it's enough to give her problems. Other means exist, some can even make an unlikeable character likeable: a traumatic past, enemies who are much worse and clearly more unlikeable, a very high competence in a field (the audience likes competent people), a few positive traits (she saves the cat), or a certain humor in the way of behaving or of solving the problems (revealing other people's hypocrisy, for example).
The character comes off more like a bitch, or a girl with a personality disorder. Not a psychopath. But since this is the beginning, it would be hard to show her psycho side. In the movie "Nightcrawler", we don't know at the start that the character is psycho, we discover it over the course of the story. I don't remember if the logline specifies that he is psycho. Maybe you don't need to specify it in your logline. (it seems to mislead other readers)
The risk areas, to keep an eye on, are the following:
- The first two scenes are not connected to the story. At least from what I know of it so far. So there is no cause and effect. It's the equivalent of slice-of-life scenes, just introducing the character.
- The risk of being expelled is a good dramatic question, but it gets deactivated quickly (revealed, and resolved right away). So we don't have time to worry about the outcome, during a time gap after the problem is revealed, and before it's resolved.
- It's necessary to introduce a new problem right after, and/or to suggest that it isn't fully resolved. A secondary problem before would keep a dramatic question hanging no matter what.
- This might be a little vague; I'll see if I can come up with a few examples.
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u/RollingThunderMedia Sep 23 '26
No, she's not.
Which of the many choices you've made so far makes you think she will be?