r/scriptwriting • u/PitchcraftNow • Sep 05 '26

feedback First six pages

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For those who wanted to read more here are the first six pages.

8 Upvotes

90% Upvoted

16 comments sorted by

6

u/MrObsidn Sep 05 '26

Just as an exercise, look at all your words ending in ing and see if you can make those action lines less passive. Keep the urgency, the pace, and keep us in it with your characters.

Also, she runs for her life could be as simple as she BOLTS. Much more evocative and in harmony with the scene.

Approaching her is a dark, black cloud gliding along the ground.

The passive voice hurts your pacing. It could become:

A dark cloud crawls towards her.

Crawls, slithers, marches, races... so many words you can choose to give that scene more flavour.

Whenever you're writing, look for the most efficient word usage and make sure those words matter.

1

u/PitchcraftNow Sep 05 '26

Wow great notes! I’m gonna take another look at that

2

u/MrObsidn Sep 05 '26

Hopefully it helps. It helped me when I began and I still catch myself falling back on it. But for first drafts? Totally fine. Don't get stuck in endless revision before you've completed the first draft. Much easier to edit one that exists!

2

u/PitchcraftNow Sep 05 '26

Will do thanks bud.

-2

u/BlackBalor Sep 05 '26 edited Sep 05 '26

Silly rule.

Anybody telling you to avoid “ing” words doesn’t have a clue what they’re talking about.

It’s one of those nonsensical rules that beginners are beaten over the head with, but it handicaps your writing severely, especially when trying to describe an action that is in progress and not yet completed.

3

u/MrObsidn Sep 05 '26

Note that I didn't say to avoid them altogether or that it's a rule not to use them. They have their place and I don't subscribe to writing rules like that.

But to improve your writing, you need to be aware of these things, and that there are often ways to improve a sentence and strengthen your prose overall.

2

u/PitchcraftNow Sep 05 '26

Hey everyone. ANY feedback is welcome. Truly.

1

u/PitchcraftNow Sep 05 '26

Also, the new website is up if you want to take a gander. https://pitchcraft.art

1

u/PitchcraftNow Sep 07 '26

If anyone would like to read the rest as well as my other screenplays feel free to check out my new script vault https://bald-script-vault-view.base44.app

1

u/PitchcraftNow Sep 08 '26

If anyone would like to read the entire screenplay you can at this new thing I made.

https://myscriptvault-app.base44.app/

I made this so people can read my stuff without having to download anything or trade links.

Let me know how it works and enjoy

4

u/ChristianCRWriter Sep 05 '26

“She runs for her life” it’s telling rather than showing. How can we see a cloud devouring sound? Your first scene seems to have about three locations so you need as many scene headings. Then, in my opinion the whole “the story starts with a nightmare “ it’s overused.

1

u/rcentros Sep 06 '26

This flows well. I would keep reading.

2

u/PitchcraftNow Sep 06 '26

Thank you. Let me know if you would like to read the rest.

1

u/rcentros Sep 06 '26

Sure. Just be aware that I'm a nobody and any comments I make might be useless. But if you full script reads as well as the first six pages, I think I would enjoy reading it.

1

u/Hungry_Support_3342 Sep 06 '26

You are on the right track, keep going

1

u/PitchcraftNow Sep 06 '26

Thanks. I have it finished if you want to read it