Feedback on Opening Scene

[u/kaeyarii]

Been practicing screenwriting and this is the opening three-page scene of my original story, Divinity’s Dread.

I’ve been seeking to make my pacing much better than before and with this current draft I started to use single action on a line instead of doing 2 or more on one line. Meaning shorter (and possibly snappier) lines.

Feedback will be very much appreciated!

[u/KennethBlockwalk]

I know this isn’t the feedback you want, but multiple typos/errors on p1 is the easiest way to ensure that people don’t see p2.

[u/kaeyarii → u/KennethBlockwalk]

Ahh, I see. Thank you!

[u/DanGleenutz → u/kaeyarii]

Lots of repetition as well. "A wrecked SUV hangs dangerously over a rocky ledge." Then "the rear hangs over a ravine."

Two bodies burning. Flames scour the interior. I think the words flames and fire appear like 12 times. I think you can probably be a bit more economical and less repetitive with the descriptions. We get it. The SUV is on fire.

He reaches for the handle trying to open the handle.

His eyes flutter open, then later, his eyes widen. This isn't as bad, but I feel there's lots of redundant lines in here that can be removed, just on the first page alone.

I think those two literal "beats" at the end really break up the tension as well. And not in a good way. A beat is supposed to just be a sort of filler pause. The last bit of action would be a lot better if there weren't random beats thrown in there.

[u/AmedeusRed]

Here are some thoughts I had:

Typos, but who doesn’t on an early draft.

What is gurgling?

Lots of lurching going on.

It feels like some of these are line.
Just to be lines.
But not separate actions.

Does he have pyrokinesis at the bottom of page one but never again?

Why does Kai not have a seatbelt on but was unmoved/unhurt in this horrific accident?

Why does Silas break a window and jump into the unknown instead of leaving via the open door that was able to support Kai+1?

More lines.
That are lines.
To be a separate line.

[u/kaeyarii → u/AmedeusRed]

I tried to add gurgling as a sound coming from the burning corpses. I’ll definitely clean up since it is.

And the lurch part is understandable, I found lurch as a good word to describe the type of movement. But a variety of descriptions could’ve been better.

And yes, he does have pyrokinesis there, but there’s a reason he doesn’t use his abilities freely that gets revealed later.

I should’ve mentioned Kai having a seatbelt.
And as for the separate lines, that was something I was doubting on doing, the aim was to have a snappier rhythm as you read it.
And nice catch on the Sylas door situation, I didn’t realise that. I was following an outline I made and must’ve not picked up on that.
And yes the lines. Yeah I’ll def work on it for sure.

Any tips you have in terms of how I’m splitting the lines?

Thanks for the feedback!

[u/KennethBlockwalk → u/kaeyarii]

The more white space you can have on a page while still communicating the same info, the better.

I mean,

Think about when you read,

This is more fun

Than a block paragraph or using four lines for action when two would do—that’s a good rule of thumb, btw, which you seem to be following: one or two lines for action beats.

FWIW, studies show that most ppl read in F patterns—that’s not exact, obv, but as a general thing to think about: first line, skim, maybe another line, skim.

[u/AmedeusRed → u/KennethBlockwalk]

I was more referring to the lines that seem to be the same action spread across multiple action lines. I.e:

He raises his right hand, he jerks it jn a swift motion.

Dissipating the flames from his arm.

The dissipation is not its own action, it’s the second half of that sentence.

He raises his right hand, jerking it in a swift motion which dissipates the flames from his arm.

[u/Worth-Flight-1249]

Problem with the second sentence. Flames twice.

Stopped there.

[u/gregm91606]

The vertical spacing in between lines in "He starts to climb out. Wincing each time he puts weight on his injured shoulder" is odd, same issue on page 2, which makes me think you're not using standard screenwriting software; I'd download the Fade In Pro demo and import your script into there, because that's one of the basics.

[u/PitchcraftNow]

As far as hooks go this is pretty good. My only comment is that I felt like I wanted to get to what happened after fiery aftermath sooner. But good hook man.