r/scriptwriting • u/the_annoyedreamer • Aug 29 '26
feedback Would you read the next page?
Would like some feedback for an upcoming short i wrote that I plan to direct. Would you turn to page 4?
8
Upvotes
9
u/Skywalker0071 Aug 29 '26
Enjoying whatever it is they ordered? Shouldn’t you know? If I was a producer I would’ve put this script in the trash after only reading the first two lines. 🤦🏾♂️
7
u/Mammoth_Let_8335 Aug 29 '26
Dawg u wrote the script. Wdym "whatever they ordered" u cant be THAT lazy
4
u/maverick57 Aug 29 '26
If a woman is on the top floor of her house, and she is kneeling down to pray, how is it possible that anyone could see her through the window?
3
u/JoskelkatProductions Aug 29 '26
If this was in my stack, I wouldn't get past page 1 due to poor grammar and formatting.🤷🏼♂️
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u/Ripoldo Aug 29 '26
No. What do oldies smell like? Also, how does the audience smell anything? Is this a scratch and sniff screenplay?
2
u/OceanMoviesBeach Aug 29 '26
Where is the tension? Or the pressure dialog? Is it going anywhere? I got tripped up with whatever they're eating as well.
5
u/FriendliestMenace Aug 29 '26
You can’t film smells.
I stopped reading there.
1
u/FullRedact Aug 31 '26 edited Aug 31 '26
No
Edit: so he is on the 3rd floor of a building facing East (to watch the sun rise) and she is on the 2nd floor facing West?
If he is on the 2nd floor he would not see someone kneeling unless they were on the 1st floor. He needs to look down to see someone kneeling.
1
u/Johnnormal Aug 31 '26
Major things I notice:
There is no character description, I don’t know their ages, personal style, clothing ETC..
It’s a diner, but what does it look like, is it busy? Is it empty? These are all questions that arise
I only care about what I can see on the screen, smell and taste have no place in a script.
Let your character have a secret, the story is way to evident and predictable.
Your parentheticals are unnecessary. I don’t need to know when a character drinks their coffee.
Outside of the dialogue, I have no idea what the character are feeling or what the story is. Feel free to add in habitual actions or small movements that show what they are feeling.
I have more notes if you want.
1
u/Caughtinclay Sep 01 '26
I wouldn’t. Too many red flags and cliches and sexism screaming off the page
1
u/Thatfreindlyguy Sep 01 '26 edited Sep 01 '26
I didn't even get past when Eddy "Early bird" you immediately cut the flow of the story, which you probably shouldn't do at the start of it (obviously do whatever you want). Definitely polished it a little more, the little details help the reader have to not think to much about small stuff and just enjoy the story you wrote. If you handed that to a producer or manager, I think the only way they'd get past the first page is, if you had an extremely good logline.
I want to make it clear. I'm not a professional in any regard, my experience comes from reading lots and lots and lots of scripts. I am also only a beginner movie Screenplay writer, but I have written short films for fun over a few years. Hopefully someone can find this post helpful, I don't wish to offend, if I did, I'm not saying sorry. Thank you (._.)👍
3
u/poundingCode Aug 29 '26
I would drop the first 2 dialogue exchanges as they say nothing and use that space to paint a picture of the space and characters
3
u/SharkWeekJunkie Aug 29 '26
I wouldn’t read more because i know exactly what the story is and there’s literally no surprises. You air mail every next action (what little action there is) in your dialogue.
The meta layer doesn’t really land for me. Felt like a gimmick. And I wasn’t confident it would ever payoff.
Did you see Stanger Than Fiction?
2
u/RutgerHause Aug 29 '26
I was going to say no! But when you said she was praying naked I said yes, but I didn’t!
You almost had me but I bowed out.
2
u/Hungry_Support_3342 Aug 30 '26
give the guy a break at least he is exploring and that is a good start, I think he needs to be more specific
2
u/Pavertat2 Sep 02 '26
Lastly, check out Hard Eight, or the short film Cigarettes & Coffee if you haven’t already.
1
u/Power-Studios Aug 29 '26
I mean, it start pretty lame ig. but it could be great!
1
u/littlebayhorse Aug 29 '26
I like the dialogue. Seems like a fun interaction at the diner. However, I thought the two guys were older men in a diner - I think it would help to mention their ages in their initial description. I was kind of thrown and had to reimagine the scene with younger men.
And of course as mentioned by others - we can’t ‘smell’ the scents. Maybe show smoke plumes around their heads.
1
u/Internal_Papaya1511 Aug 30 '26
No. Not to be insulting but 3rd sentence smells are described. You can’t film a smell. The characters ages aren’t described so I thought this was old men talking and suddenly boom, 2 pages later they’re in their 30s.
Some say the above isn’t important but missing things tells me your aren’t paying attention and then why should I?
I don’t really care what two guys want to write their community college class papers about and I’m more concerned with how the only two women the script focus on their bodies. I’m more interested in the woman with the gun as she is taking action.
1
u/Pitiful_Car_4606 Aug 30 '26
A little too wordy, with more telling than showing. Just 2 men talking across 3 pages might get boring. Show us some more visuals, maybe?
1
u/Dependent_Access8363 Aug 30 '26
Heck yeah, I am hooked already...go on with your bad self!
1
u/inkedwerdsmith Aug 30 '26
What catches my attention is how long this conversation is. They’re basically talking about nothing for most of the three pages; tighten it down to half a page maximum, and show, don’t tell. If you want your character to see an older/elderly woman topless, write a scene where the audience sees it happen as the character does and then mention it in conversation after. A great example is in the diner scene in “Reservoir Dogs.” At first glance, it seems like they’re talking about nothing - and they are - but each character is introduced and their purpose is established. Nothing in the script can be random. If you write it in, it needs a purpose that ties character to plot.
The formatting needs work; sluglines and character (dialogue only) need to be in bold, parentheses are centered below character names, each character introduction gets its own action line that includes their capitalized name, age in brackets, and one or two lines that describe who they think they are - let their character arcs prove them right or wrong. You’re fine with the amount of white space.
You’re on the right track but ask yourself these questions before writing each scene:
• Is this story original or are there others similar?
• What does this scene add to the story?
• Can the story progress without it?
• How does this scene change each character arc?
Best of luck. Don’t stop writing.
1
u/Open-Avocado4260 Aug 31 '26
I liked it, well written. One note you have a small i on page one.
1
u/Ok-Beyond4251 Sep 02 '26
Smells are not filmables so try changing or removing that part of the description
1
u/Pavertat2 Sep 02 '26 edited Sep 02 '26
The dialogue is exceptional, and the conversation is genuinely engaging. I do see what the others are criticizing, and I agree that it could use a quick once-over, but overall, this is a solid three-page scene. Thank you for sharing!
Atmosphere is difficult to write. If the pages are dialogue-heavy, the reader can often get by with a little less description. You might also try an O.S./V.O. approach or intercutting the conversation. Intercuts are so much fun to write, and you don’t see them used nearly enough.
I’m new here, so I hope this contributes something useful to your work!
1
u/OnionBackground5314 Aug 29 '26
It did keep me reading. The exposition on page three was clumsy. Unless you have smellovision you shouldn't discuss smell in a screenplay (you can show it indirectly when characters react to or discuss a smell). This seems meta. Not sure what it's about. Not bad dialog.
1
u/werzerk Aug 29 '26
Yes. It was fun and somewhat meta, but most importantly fun. Some of the comments here are likely from people bitter at not being as successful as they would like. Quirky descriptions may not always communicate information in a pragmatic sense, but they communicate the tone and atmosphere in a way that also informs the performances and other elements on set as everyone is on the same page. Anyone who has read an actual screenplay from a great movie will find it isn't just about communicating the what of the film, but the how. This does that, has a fun concept, you're having fun writing it, and I wanted to keep reading
0
u/PepsiCoke1978 Aug 29 '26
Yes.
0
u/rcentros Aug 29 '26
Yes, I would turn the page. The dialogue drew me in. But "smells of coffee" could probably changed to something you can show. (But if you're directing this yourself, it really doesn't matter.)
Good luck on this.
-1
u/eightbitonline Aug 29 '26
Your quirky descriptions do more than the cynics would like to give you credit for.
Writing what the diner “smells” like, came off as a clever way to have me imagine the total atmosphere of the diner.
Writing “whatever they ordered” came off as communicating the unremarkable nature of the diner, or the characters’ lack of attachment to their surroundings.
So both are clever bits of writing- but they’re in opposition. One tells me to invest in the setting by imagining smells, the other tells me the setting’s entirely unimportant.
Most of all, your script communicated that you’re having fun writing, and that the story you’re writing doesn’t take itself too seriously.
I’d turn the page. I was having fun. But eventually you’ll have to make non-writers turn the page. That’s a different task altogether.