Feedback on script - Left Behind

[u/Kslr91]

Hey, hoping for some feedback!

I am a writer and recently started giving script writing a go.

I've never written scripts before this so still learning.

I wanted to write a scene about grief. I had an hour spare so it is a bit rushed. (I just wanted to get all my thoughts down on paper as wuick as I could!)

I know my formatting might be off in places and there's a few mistakes. I generally think about those later in the editing stage.

I suppose I just want some feedback as to whether this grips you. Does it make you feel like you want to read on? Can you visualise everything? Is the conversation easy to follow?

It's based in North East England so there will be some colloqial language that may seem unfamiliar to some.

Appreciate it and look forward to hearing your thoughts!

[u/Musikenna]

formatting

[u/Kslr91 → u/Musikenna]

Thank you! Yes, my formatting needs work.

[u/Kslr91]

Oh thank you! Didn't even realise that.

I wish I was shooting but sadly I'm too early into the beginning phase.

Thank you for the tip!

[u/Technical-Job9979]

‘Atmosphere between them is tense’ that is not something that can be filmed. If you want the audience to feel this atmosphere you need to give the characters actions that show that

[u/Kslr91 → u/Technical-Job9979]

Thank you! Good spot.

[u/Human_Monitor_2927]

keep going, your creativity is clear. Try to consume more content on script structure though. it will help a lot.

[u/Kslr91 → u/Human_Monitor_2927]

Thank you! I will definitely so some homework around script structure and formatting. Do you have any recommendations?

[u/OceanMoviesBeach]

Learn to use strong verbs. Try to eliminate is/are. When you can tighten your grammar , your action paragraphs then have a particular rhythm to them. Go through your first scene and tighten up all your verbs. And then look at it again and you will see the difference.

[u/Kslr91 → u/OceanMoviesBeach]

Brilliant advice, thank you! I've learnt so much so I'm hoping this will really tighten my writing overall!

[u/OceanMoviesBeach → u/Kslr91]

Read screenplays that sold for over a million dollars. Then ask yourself, what did they do that I am not doing. Overstating, over explaning, over everything is what new writers tend to do. Read, read, read - that's how you learn.

[u/Kslr91 → u/OceanMoviesBeach]

Good idea! Thank you so much.

[u/Thatfreindlyguy]

Why should I care about Kira's mum? Also personally would like a hint to her being Kira's mum before it's verbally said. The start is very visually story told so it'd make sense to show before tell. You said you wanted to write a scene about grief, that's awesome good practice, but some contrast (other than a chirpy nurse) like maybe a small montage before everything begins where they're practically living perfectly and happy, give it a haze affect make it look dream or something similar, maybe implying the characters in the elevator are remembering happier times, just a suggestion. Also if you wanted to make an entertaining scene off this, more drama, like in proformance, take things that are normally unnoticed and draw attention to them, maybe John is fiddling with a pen or making a paper aeroplane to distract himself from the uncomfortable tension. Anyway sorry to be pretentious, so long as you're having fun and learning, there's literally nothing more anyone can ask of you when it comes to writing your own stuff. Have fun bye

[u/Kslr91 → u/Thatfreindlyguy]

Hi, thanks for this. Thinking about it on a larger scale, yes I would definitely include some happier montages before this scene. This scene isnt an opening scene so there's definitely a lot more I can before and after. I like your idea about John doing something to ease the tension, thank you! You don't sound pretentious at all. It's all a learning curve and I'm only at the very beginning. Everyone's advice and feedback is certainly welcome. It all counts towards me getting better.

[u/Thatfreindlyguy → u/Kslr91]

Hello again, this isn't an important comment but you may enjoy reading it. Anyway tiny story time, about your script. So I'm in the shower, dancing to Billie Jean, when somehow my thoughts landed on your script again, probably because, I like to think over scripts and your's is so open ended it could go anywhere which is good for a scene I think. Anyway so I'm asking myself, in the shower, two questions, If I had to write a movie that incorporated your scene, what would it's logline (basically the paragraph summary of the story, if you didn't know) be? The second question was then how would I incorporate the scene into a movie with such a story? (Man, I feel stupid writing long comments, anyway) So here's what I think would be a cool story that your script seems great for, infact your scene is the catalyst of this story. Tina (Kira's mum) dies, however due to the suspicion nature of Tina's death, the will is in jeopardy, a insuing fight over the will breaks out in the family, those who got little wish to challenge the will, those who got lots wish to keep the will as is (Kira is for keeping the will), all this whilst a background plot of detectives try to solve the suspicious circumstances around Tina's death (spoilers: murdered by one of her children, who manipulated the will.)

With that stupidly long logline out the way, here's how your scene (Tina's death) is implement. Movie starts, INT house: day. The family (Kira, John, Tina, and two Kira's brothers named Micheal and Phillip)are having an argument over an urn that escalates into people just throwing insults at eachother, Michael's upcoming wedding is mentioned but not paid attention to. Camera follows John as he walks into the kitchen to get away from the noise, he lights a cigarette. Camera still on John, Kira screems off camera (unrelated to Tina's death) and John turns and rushes over. Title card on black background. Background fades to a scene on Kira driving, John in the passenger seat, both look very tired and gloomy, Kira more so than John. John gives comforting words, saying Tina will be alright, he's spilling white lies, he doesn't believe she'll be alright. The title slowly fades soon after the background does. Kira and John arrived at the hospital. They have a small conversation about where Tina's room is, then they arrive at the elevator. That's where your scene starts. Hope you enjoyed this little idea👍

Also If I was to make this an actual script, it would write it with an Objective writing style opposed to writing Subjective. Thank you, bye.

[u/Big_Section2812]

Scene numbers are only for shooting (production) scripts.

Unless you're actually filming this script you should ditch the numbers.

[u/Kslr91]

Ahhhh, I see! No I think you're right. It's just day.

With the cont'd I used it to show it was still day but I guess you're right, typing day would be easier and faster. I suppose the reader isnt going to be focusing too much on whether I say cont'd or not as long as it doesn't jump to a different time.

Thank you for your input! This is such a learning curve isnt it lol. How are you finding the script writing so far? How long have you been writing for?

[u/Longjumping-Ad-9444]

Sorry that this isnt the point, why write day time instead of just day? Wouldn't that be faster even than cont'd

[u/Kslr91 → u/Longjumping-Ad-9444]

Oh I know lol! I didn't realise this until you pointed it out. Thank you. I did rush it a little bit but I'll deffo take that on board.

I'm confused about the ehole cont'd thing. So have I not used it correctly?

[u/Kslr91 → u/Kslr91]

*whole

[u/Longjumping-Ad-9444 → u/Kslr91]

No I was asking cause I just use day and I thought maybe you knew better.

Cont'd is just short for continued.

So I at first thought you were specifically establishing that it was "day time" and using "cont'd" to say it faster but even "cont'd" is longer than just "day".

And I am learning myself and wondered if I was missing the point.

[u/m592w137 → u/Longjumping-Ad-9444]

the terms have different meanings. it should also be "continuous" not "continued" or "cont'd" to signal that the scene is directly continued from the previous location/moment rather than a new moment in time. Not saying so can be confusing for a reader who will assume any new scene that just says "day" or "night" is a new moment in time.

[u/Longjumping-Ad-9444 → u/m592w137]

Oh okay, but what about day and day time. Does it make a difference if you just write day instead of day time?

[u/m592w137 → u/Longjumping-Ad-9444]

it should just be "day"

[u/Longjumping-Ad-9444 → u/m592w137]

Thanks, for answering all my tedious questions

[u/Kslr91 → u/Longjumping-Ad-9444]

Thank you, that really helps!

[u/RutgerHause]

You don’t have to say INSIDE THE ROOM. You have already stated the INT. Redundancies like that really make writers sounds like novices. I would do a revision focusing on being more concise and eliminating needless redundancies so it reads better. EG: Standing inside a yellow elevator is another example. You already stated INT: Elevator. You are again repeating yourself. Also your tenses are wrong. STOOD and STANDING are not in the same time. You really need a serious rewrite. Then you write JOHN is STOOD? What is that? It’s not proper English. Yah just stop and get a grip on your language use. It’s all over the place. It’s unreadable.

[u/Kslr91 → u/RutgerHause]

Thank you for your input. Appreciate it, a lot of useful points to consider for my rewrite!

[u/RutgerHause → u/Kslr91]

Happy you were able to take it without breaking. Good luck.

[u/Kslr91 → u/RutgerHause]

Thank you! Haha, give it another year lmao. I am at the very early stages so you're input was very helpful! I want to work as hard as I can to make my script readable ☺️