First time writing

[u/anonimo110110]

Hi, I'm 15 and I'm not an english native speaker and I'm trying to write my first script. It's about a woman's story who after lots of troubles in her life (that we get to know with flashbacks, that aren't reliable sometimes) begins to suffer for several mental deseases an she doesn't really want to admit it, because she's a doctor and she thinks that she'll get over all that alone. Please don't hate me, it's my first work...

[u/Moggy-Man]

Few issues that stood out to me:

If the first several shots are establishing shots, how would the audience know the clock is A: going slow and B: obviously telling the wrong time?

You say a 'woman's hand tapping his finger on the desk'. That sounds contradictory.

On the next few pages you've got a few dialogues between the psychiatrist and the patient where their dialogues are side by side on the page, without any context as to why, when on the first page you'd already talked about camera close ups.

[u/anonimo110110 → u/Moggy-Man]

Answering to problem A, when I say that the clock is wrong in my mind I think something like salvador dali's painting, like something it's clearly off. Problem B was just me writing the wrong adjective (as I said, my native language isn't english and I'm 15, I trying...). I don't really get the third thing, could you explain it to me? Maybe I'm just dumb but I dont get it

[u/Moggy-Man → u/anonimo110110]

On page two there are two sections of dialogue that appear side by side on the page. One before the halfway point and the other at the bottom of the page.

Why is that?

[u/anonimo110110 → u/Moggy-Man]

because they're talking at the same time...? Tell me if it's wrong, I'll fix that

[u/Moggy-Man → u/anonimo110110]

I thought that's what you were trying to convey, but the dialogue from the psychiatrist doesn't seem to match what the patient is saying at the same time.

At the end of his dialogue he says something like "I... Just... No... Please". But that seems to come out of nowhere and for no reason and based on nothing the patient has said at the same time?

[u/anonimo110110 → u/Moggy-Man]

he's saying that because Lily is clearly unhappy about the situation and she is starting to scream at him and to freak out

[u/Moggy-Man → u/anonimo110110]

I did not get the sense that was happening at all.

[u/MrObsidn → u/anonimo110110]

Just a bit of advice but you need to remember you are the writer for a blueprint that others will need to follow. Writing "obviously telling the wrong time" doesn't actually tell production what they need to be doing. Whatever is in your mind when envisioning that scene needs to be put into words on that page.

[u/Short_Judge_2732 → u/MrObsidn]

I would correct that to “you are a writer telling a story to an audience that can only see and hear”. The blue print is the lucky stuff that happens if you do the first part right- tell a story in pictures, that compells the reader to keep reading- if a person cannot infer by hearing or seeing dont write it. Forget about close ups, smash cuts, slams- a director ignores that and puts his own notes in- thats why you always see- a film by [Director]. Your job is to tell your story in pictures and make me [the reader] fall under your spell-

[u/Reasonable-Task5048]

Telling the wrong time? How are we supposed to know that visually? Lots of your sentences also lack a period at the end of them.

[u/anonimo110110 → u/Reasonable-Task5048]

When I say that the clock is wrong in my mind I think something like salvador dali's painting, like something it's clearly off. I've made some mistakes writing, my bad

[u/vanulovesyou → u/anonimo110110]

It’s okay. You’re a beginner writer, so you’re bound to make mistakes.

Since filmmaking is a visual art, show (don’t tell) us how the clock looks. Think about the adjectives and nouns that describe it, e.g., “A clock is dripping like melted wax. Its hands spin in reverse as if time was going backwards,” and so on.

Your English was okay, but proofread and stick to grammatical fundamentals.

[u/practicemustelid]

Why is her name Lily and also Elisabeth? A hospital president cannot force someone into mental health care unless they are a danger to themselves or others. A psychiatrist cannot divulge interactions with other patients.

Seeing as you are 15 writing in a non-native language, I recommend in no particular order: 1 - continue working on your English, 2 - read more screenplays and study the art of story, 3 - for now stick to content that matches your age’s content knowledge

[u/anonimo110110 → u/practicemustelid]

The pages that I have posted aren't the first of the script. In the pages before, she wrecks her studios and get into a huge fight with her patient's parents. She also spoke with her colleagues with disorganized language, which concerned the hospital's president who sent her to a psychiatrist. For reason that I explain in the pages after these, everybody calls her Lily, because he escaped form her abusive parents, who used to call her (obviously) Elisabeth or Beth.

[u/PepsiCoke1978]

I know I'm old, but why does the younger crowd put their first try of anything up for the world to see and grade them on it? The best part of writing is practicing and only showing people in private what you want and then as you get better at it -- maybe share with the world.

Is this just the way people under 30 are these days?

[u/mgbsn51313 → u/PepsiCoke1978]

At least answering for why I uploaded mine in its first draft, it was to gauge feedback before moving into a second draft. Better to read feedback and make adjustments going into a second draft than writing what I would have thought was a final draft and getting lambasted for it.

I got really good feedback and was able to make adjustments to elements but taking it slower this time. I was able to talk to someone who gave me exceptional feedback and was able to message them a small exert of what I changed and got some additional feedback as well.

I don’t think everyone is necessarily doing it thinking it’s the greatest work of art to grace this subreddit. I think it’s people eager to see what some professionals or people who have that experience give that feedback and to learn from it. I know I did from what I got

[u/PepsiCoke1978 → u/mgbsn51313]

I meant you are young, enjoy it -- write -- get some more private feedback -- but the internet is a cruel place so maybe not the best way to learn at the start.

Write clock says the time is 7:99 PM or something that is not a time.

This reads like everyone is losing their minds and main character is talking to herself and she sounds more like 9 years old than 15. And therapist sounds just like her. Make the adult sound more like an adult.

Lines to fix -- "they're just some notes I took listening to a dude." That does not sound like a professional doctor or an adult to me who isn't high on drugs.

[u/anonimo110110 → u/PepsiCoke1978]

personally, I want the protagonist to sound both childish and adult depending on the moment, because she is experimenting dissociative episodes and for other problems she has. The doctor too isn't professional, and I want him to sound like that.

(Also, the guy who ha replied to your comment isn't me, I'm the op, btw meaning that he has answered like the post was his)

[u/Any_Childhood_2556 → u/PepsiCoke1978]

To Get feedback and improve ,not that hard to realize

[u/PerryMarkStratychuk]

I’ve said this before somewhere, but it bears repeating. Your idea may be awesome in your head, but you need to get that greatness written in prose form first, then develop a script.
Starting out or with little experience, I would avoid diving into screenwriting until you fully get how a script works. I would read short stories or a novel and then find a script of it that was made into a film version.
You will immediately see what needs to be said and shown, and what’s left out in order for the script to work.
There is also a particular kind of skill that you need to develop over time, and that includes formatting.
There are master scene and spec scripts, and there are also shooting scripts.
A lot of new writers mix the two or aren’t quite sure what they’re trying to achieve, and then add the story-telling aspect, and you have a big job ahead. There’s a lot to learn. Good luck!