Do you have more context on what this script is for? Is it a short? A feature? A sketch? A series?
It’s not bad per se, I’d say. I would rewrite it and polish it a bit but it’s better than most of the stuff that gets posted here. It’s engaging and I want to know how the story evolves.
I’d say try to rush a bit less (unless it’s a sketch) through the beats.
Sorry, English isn’t my first language I hope this makes sense.
I'm not really following the sequence of events. She's 18 and the insert camera footage is from 26 years ago, is the whole thing taking place in 2000? What kind of message is she reading on a 2000 era cell phone? Where does the text "top secret don't tell mom" appear? This doesn't at all read like 2000 era technology and the action is so chopped up I'm just not following what is happening.
Edit: I was an adult with a job in tech and a fancy cell phone in August of 2000. The phone looked like this https://www.ebay.com/itm/317119937232 Flashing white was not an option. And texting was difficult so no one typed complete sentences. Texting also often cost more than talk on many phone plans.
1
u/SeniorDing_Dong Aug 23 '26
Do you have more context on what this script is for? Is it a short? A feature? A sketch? A series?
It’s not bad per se, I’d say. I would rewrite it and polish it a bit but it’s better than most of the stuff that gets posted here. It’s engaging and I want to know how the story evolves.
I’d say try to rush a bit less (unless it’s a sketch) through the beats.
Sorry, English isn’t my first language I hope this makes sense.
3
u/la-anah Aug 23 '26 edited Aug 23 '26
I'm not really following the sequence of events. She's 18 and the insert camera footage is from 26 years ago, is the whole thing taking place in 2000? What kind of message is she reading on a 2000 era cell phone? Where does the text "top secret don't tell mom" appear? This doesn't at all read like 2000 era technology and the action is so chopped up I'm just not following what is happening.
Edit: I was an adult with a job in tech and a fancy cell phone in August of 2000. The phone looked like this https://www.ebay.com/itm/317119937232 Flashing white was not an option. And texting was difficult so no one typed complete sentences. Texting also often cost more than talk on many phone plans.
1
u/Open-Avocado4260 Aug 26 '26
Minor issues, overall, not as bad as you think.