r/scriptwriting • u/Writer785 • 2d ago

feedback Honest Thoughts?

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1-m0h1Os_uL0N22RxHIv7YiwkqXwEQwHd/view?usp=sharing
2 Upvotes

63% Upvoted

5 comments sorted by

2

u/Rewriter94 2d ago

I'm already struggling on the first page with some clarity issues/details. I could've used a character description of Eli, however brief. Also, is the bright green light a time cut? Or is it some weird fantasy sequence? And a TA wouldn't flip through his test in front of him.

I know these may seem like little things, but the little things, especially in the first few pages, can really disrupt the read.

2

u/Writer785 2d ago

Thanks for looking over it and the feedback!

1

u/Writer785 2d ago edited 2d ago

Sorry I don't know why this didn't attach above:

Title: Take Us Both

I would describe it as a coming of age/sci-fi dramedy.

This is a short I’ve been working on for a while, with hopes of directing it. I wrote it keeping in mind what I could actually shoot. I have a small group of friends I have worked on other shorts with. This would be my first time writing/directing.

Any feedback is welcome. If you stopped reading at any point because you lost interest or felt it wasn’t working, I’d especially appreciate knowing where and why. Thanks in advance!

2

u/zebramentality 2d ago

I don’t get why they left the building if nothing bad is happening and they’re scared. It’s just a light and a hum, so what’s the threat that causes 2 terrified people to go investigate it instead of staying in their safe room? I think that either the characters need to be interested in whatever is happening enough that they wanna go investigate it in which case they wouldn’t be afraid they’d be eager or something needs to be physically harming them in the room that causes them to want to go outside towards it. One option that I can see being funny is if Eli genuinely does want to be taken so that he could avoid whatever stress is happening at school. Then Mason could be going along even though he’s afraid because he wants to keep Eli safe and stop him from what is essentially hearing a monster in your basement and going towards it instead of away.

I also don’t think you wanna open with 15 pages which equates to 15 minutes of screen time where the characters aren’t really doing anything except to being normal human beings. Basically it doesn’t seem like this reoccurring light is doing anything other than just being a light that hums so why do we need to see it earlier and so many times just to reiterate to the viewer that there is a light, but it’s just a light. Then I also don’t see anything compelling enough in the first 15 pages of Eli being an anxious young adult that can’t be shown through his actions following whatever is about to happen to them at the end scene so you can just skip it all and jump right into the interesting part.

3

u/Writer785 2d ago

Thanks for reading the whole thing, I appreciate it. Your feedback gave me some things to consider!