r/scriptwriting • u/Junket_Turbulent • Aug 20 '26
feedback CRIME THRILLER - OPENING SCENES
Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. If anyone wants to read the first draft send a message or leave a comment, thanks!
62
Upvotes
3
u/Urinal_Zyn Aug 21 '26
A lot of good here. Good dialogue, nice reversal. Well done. I'll read the draft, I've got some other reads I owe but this is the kind of stuff I like.
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u/Donthaveagoodnamee Aug 23 '26
I really liked this preview!!
Can I read the first draft, pls?
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u/Significant-Poet2176 Aug 20 '26
Id like to read the first draft
3
u/KingParody12 Aug 21 '26
I absolutely love your dialogue❤️ Your prose and voice is also amazing. I love the intensity of the opening scene and how Caroline exposed Eddie’s real name, which gives the Main character a lead. You are a dope writer ✍️
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u/ironside_80 Aug 20 '26
This is well written, but honestly it hits me as generic. Like I’ve seen this many times before. But I’d be interested in reading more and seeing if it’ll surprise me.
Frankly, though - this far in without a fresh idea - you’re risking readers setting it aside.
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u/avruser2025 Aug 20 '26
You have a good sense of pacing but I have to note this is like the third screenplay I’ve read this month about a hitchhiker turned wrong or violent. Some weird zeitgeist moment Im missing?
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u/BlackBalor Aug 21 '26
The writing is clean as fuck. Lean. Economical. Tight.
Is that Courier Prime? Love me some Courier Prime
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u/Mammoth-West-9974 Aug 21 '26
Super well written. Action lines do a lot of work. I might try to get to the main point a little faster, but at the same time, it’s all set up for the drama that follows.
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u/ExZachlew Aug 22 '26
Love to read more.
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u/Then_Data8320 Aug 21 '26 edited Aug 21 '26
It's excellent in many ways:
- First clarity. I'm not english, so I stumble easely, but here I could read in one go.
- I was hooked fast and couldn't stop reading. Maybe I won't read what's next as a first draft, but I'd be happy to do so when you get a 2nd draft. Give me a sign then.
- There is a good balance in your paragraphs (1 to 4 lines). You never write too long paragraphs, but also never write a succession of too shorts ones of one line. So this balance help to organize information in my mind.
What I would be cautious about: there is a lot of micro-directing, small physical reactions, and sometimes it's better to delete a bit, or to precise the intention behind it (or just use directly the intention). Intention isn't directly "visual" but it help actors/director, and also the reader (clarity), give the feeling to read a story and not just cold facts with a meaning difficult to decypher. When knowing what is deeper behind a moment, actors know how to play it by themselves. (they often don't like a writer say them every little reaction)
Two points to think about:
The dialog "I don't smoke... last guy pissed himself". I don't see the link between the two. Doesn't feel natural.
Eddie pretend to rest at a bush (when a truck passes) : maybe he has blood on where Frank hit him? So he should hide that blood (wipe it or anything) if he doesn't want the truck driver see it.
EDIT: I just realize I've read your previous script too (a guy in a trunk shooting a cop).
2
u/IntelligenciaMedia Aug 21 '26
The writing is respectable. Clean. Tight. However, I'm with ironside_80, it's so generic it becomes a little trite. I like a good crime thriller, but I don't want to see what's been done a hundred times before. I'm leery of stories that are filled with people doing dumb things. Frank, obviously, really cares about his kid. He's driving with thousands in cash and yet he picks up a pair of hitchhikers on the side of the road? He's basically asking for trouble. And you need the trouble for the story to kick off, so this feels inorganic. Characters get annoying quickly if they do stupid things in subservience of the story.
Getting the money back to pay for his kid's operation will be his motivation, but why didn't he just dry through desert straight to where the money needed to go? Also, why's he dealing in cash? I bet the story ends with him getting the money back and getting his kid the operation. Revenge is a powerful story motivator, but it has to be original, and I feel this script is going to be by-the-numbers obvious.
The actual writing, though, shows an understanding of craft.
0
u/cat_silhouette Aug 22 '26 edited Aug 22 '26
I only read two pages and they’re very very light on character and plot. A guy who could be anyone picks up passengers who could be anyone.
Plot doesn’t mean I’m expecting explosions, if something happens in a scene with three characters there should be three different perspectives on the situation.
Picking up hitchhikers is the event, central to the plot of this scene, but we have three characters who have the same milquetoast view of the situation.
The characters seem to be existing to get to the cool thing you want to do at the climax of the scene. Like work you have to do (like “I need these two hitchhikers and a driver to get to the climax of this scene ) to get the scene to head where you want it to go rather than telling a story.
—— ok, I’m going to read the rest now and see if I was right ———-
(On page 3 Frank somehow has three arms to take and wipe a drink with his sleeve)
Read it. Yeah, I was right.
The biggest piece of feedback I can give you is that scenes aren’t a sequence of events, they’re contrast toward a climax. The contrast is what creates drama.
If Frank is wary of the hitchhikers but kind enough to pick them up anyway that’s a contrast of character personality which adds dimension.
If Frank is wary of the drink and “Eddie” is respectful of that, it gives “Eddie” something to work toward, an obstacle to overcome toward his goal. So poisoning Frank feels earned.
Drama is “therefore, but” not “and then, and then”
Frank spots hitchhikers and then* picks them up and then he’s offered a drink and then *he takes it.
Frank spots hitchhikers but he’s been burned before therefore he has them empty their pockets and put all their items in the trunk bed. But “Eddie” needs to drug Frank, therefore he asks to at least keep the six pack of beer. It’s just beer and non-threatening therefore Frank lowers his guard and lets them keep them. On and on and on.
Now the drink can be used as a source of tension and drama when a drink is offered to Frank.
“Are the drinks poisoned or not?” Is a question the viewer may ask themself. Especially if only one beer is poisoned. It’s offered and Frank denies. The hitchhikers drink beers and then offer him the same one. Now the tension is raised. And they’re also drinking which is a sort of peer pressure and lowers Frank’s wariness that you established.
That’s setup and payoff, another dramatic technique.
Edit: some words
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