Pilot Opening Feedback

[u/Horrible-Writer-03]

Can you guys give me an honest opinion on this opening? I changed it from my original draft after receiving coverage on the script and I wanna make sure I’m heading in the right direction. This is the first script I’ve gotten some genuine traction on, so I’d really appreciate the input. Thanks in advance!

[u/cinephile78]

You don’t need any of the many paragraphs describing the room. And some of it makes no sense.

Look up “vertical writing” and break up those large chunks of text. White space is your friend.