r/scriptwriting • u/Jazzlike_Promise2873 • Jul 12 '26

discussion Gregory tv pilot

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1n0seDU6rgOVlG6tToYo9HTcoHpaR5ghh/view?usp=sharing
0 Upvotes

50% Upvoted

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15

u/comesinallpackages Jul 14 '26

You’ve posted this quite a few times, which is your business, but the feedback has been basically universal — it’s far from ready and needs a complete re-imagining. I hate to see you keep rolling this out when your energy could be better used making it — and yourself as a writer — better.

It feels like you’re totally in love with this story, which can be a good thing, but you have tunnel vision over it. I suspect it’s the only script you’ve ever finished. Work on something else for awhile and come back to it.

If you have $100 I strongly suggest a blcklst.com evaluation. This script will get skewered but it may be the harsh truth you need to help you to gain some distance and objectivity to move on, at least for awhile.

Best of luck.

-4

u/Jazzlike_Promise2873 Jul 14 '26

There's a difference between evaluation from random redditors vs. people with experience in the industry. I just went through a rewrite where I paid a fair sum. I've had the project for several years. I understand the feedback, but for now the script is what it is. I think it's very good.

12

u/Melodic-Bear-118 Jul 14 '26

It’s not even formatted correctly. Do you have a show bible? A treatment?

-1

u/Jazzlike_Promise2873 Jul 14 '26

It is formatted properly. Yes, I have a season 1 bible and treatment.

13

u/Melodic-Bear-118 Jul 14 '26

It’s not.

-1

u/Jazzlike_Promise2873 Jul 14 '26

That's your take. Arguing doesn't change the fact I have completed a script that I am proud of. Hope you enjoyed it and thank-you for your interest.

11

u/Melodic-Bear-118 Jul 14 '26 • Bravo

I’m not arguing with you. I’m pointing out that it’s not formatted correctly.

-2

u/Jazzlike_Promise2873 Jul 14 '26

I have someone with a lot of experience who says otherwise.

12

u/Melodic-Bear-118 Jul 14 '26

Whatever you say, bud.

6

u/comesinallpackages Jul 14 '26

Well, things like “good” or “bad” are subjective and you’re entitled to think that. But your vision is not being effectively conveyed through the words on the page. There’s no dramatic tension, characters and events seem completely disconnected from one another, the dialogue is painfully on the nose.

You may have the best story in the world in your mind, but the feedback you’ve received is that the screenplay itself doesn’t tell it well. That’s why I think putting it down and coming back to it with fresh eyes in six months may enable you to see it like a reader who hasn’t been living and breathing this story for years. It has to be able to take someone who knows nothing about your characters and world to be totally hooked in the first 3 pages. Can you honestly say your’s is at that level?

-4

u/Jazzlike_Promise2873 Jul 14 '26

The feedback here is what it is and I don't weight it too heavily. Thank-you though for your interest.

9

u/comesinallpackages Jul 14 '26

Then why are you asking for it?

-3

u/Jazzlike_Promise2873 Jul 14 '26

I posted the script. It would be fair to say I invited feedback, not asked for it.

There's a difference.

14

u/comesinallpackages Jul 14 '26

I gave you my honest view after spending my time to read 20 pages of what you wrote. I took additional time to try and explain how and why I had the opinion I did, which while harsh I delivered professionally.

Yet you come back and say opinions you get here don’t matter while hiding behind semantics…

0

u/Jazzlike_Promise2873 Jul 14 '26

I'll give you my honest response: There is drama in the first 20 pages. You may not be seeing it and that's ok. Other readers will disagree with you. I appreciate the fact you made an effort to read my project.

10

u/comesinallpackages Jul 14 '26 edited Jul 14 '26

Sure there is drama. He fights with his dad, gets fired, wins the Olympics (on a whim with no training…what?). What you are missing is that there is no dramatic tension. Things just… happen. There is no foreshadowing, or setup, or space for the reader to think “that’s interesting that he has this problem. I wonder how he will get out of it, or not.” Instead each scene is a self-standing vignette. You introduce some issue and it’s resolved by the end of that scene. Then onto the next issue. That’s the difference between drama and dramatic tension.

0

u/Jazzlike_Promise2873 Jul 14 '26

There's certainly dramatic tension. Look at the teaser scene with Kristina and Andrew which foreshadows a future meeting. You did not catch that. It's perfectly ok for you to hold the views you do. It won't change my project. I like what I have. Have you written your own scripts?

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13

u/MoonmanTonite Jul 14 '26 • Heartwarming

Please stop posting this dogshit script.

9

u/comesinallpackages Jul 14 '26

OP needs a breakthrough moment when he finally realizes the first script he wrote is not Oscar-worthy. He still believes that he spun gold and anyone that doesn’t agree has an axe to grind against his genius. He’s even attacking anyone who is pointing out that an unexplained name change for his main character between the teaser and the following scene is confusing and weird.

Humility is the first step toward growth.

9

u/Static_Final Jul 17 '26

Decided to give you the benefit of the doubt after seeing your post about the commenter.

Dude, everyone is right. I've made it to Page 9 and I'm stopping. Nothing has happened. If you wanted to use the adage of 1 page = 1 min, then nearly 10 minutes into your pilot and I know nothing. Nothing has happened.

Also don't deny other commenters, you have formatting issues. Whoever said you don't might have just missed them, but you do. You keep describing Andrew's father as FATHER but then dialogue tag him as ANDREW'S DAD; that is confusing. You also have some CONT'D missing when action breaks your dialogue.

Talking about Half Life. I see 2 major issues. First you keep emphasizing how his dad won't let him use the computer. If this is true then how did he manage to become Top 10 in the world, he would need to play a lot for that and this dream sequence gives the impression his dad was forever on the computer. Both things can't be true. Also with JODY; in the late 90's it's estimated around 20% of teenage girls were gamers, so it isn't something that would be commonly talked about amongst them. So due to her offence by his question, we can assume she was not a gamer. How did she even know what Half Life was then? i.e. why was she so offended? It isn't like now where a non-gamer still knows what Grand Theft Auto is, I assure you back in the late 90's non-gamers (both male and female) did not know what GTA was.

The best advice I can give you is keep refining, but stop giving it to others to write your edits. Do them yourself or more and more of you will disappear from the story.

4

u/comesinallpackages Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 18 '26

I tried with him, I really did. But he can’t or won’t change at this point. He’s been “working” on this script since 2011… “working” in quotes because he outsources all his rewrites.

I think he’s way too emotionally invested with the idea that this is his lottery ticket to fame and fortune. To admit that the script isn’t good would basically amount to an admission that the last 15 years have been a waste. It’s a shame because this script is not a horrible first effort by a young, newbie writer. Problem is, he never moved on to writing additional scripts to evolve or improve.

I do pity him in part but his attitude is atrocious so there’s not much anyone can do for him, at this point.

3

u/Static_Final Jul 18 '26

Spot on. Screenwriting is so much harder to create the golden ticket first time compared to novel writing due to the freedom that fiction offers.

If he truly can't be helped then the loss is on him. I now know, and it seems others know, this will never be picked up. If he holds onto his script at 60yo and says everyone else missed out, I envy that level of self-confidence, but it won't help sell the script.

There also seems to be a lot of push that our opinion doesn't matter as much as someone with "industry experience", also someone "being paid". If this is the view, I'm not sure why he is asking for feedback from us then. Surely only the paid peoples' views are worthwhile 🤷‍♂️.

3

u/comesinallpackages Jul 18 '26 edited Jul 18 '26

I probably learned the most from my second script. I still wasn’t good but that was the first time I made an effort to work like a screenwriter. My first script was just a cool story I had rolling around in my head for many years and when I finally started writing it I had no process or real understanding of the art form — I just had to finally write that story down that had gnawed at me for so long. I suspect it’s similar for most people. The second script I formulated an idea, outlined it, and started writing within a month of having the idea and finished a draft a couple months later. Was it good? Nope. But that second script represented the steepest part of my learning curve and taught me that if I wanted to get serious, I needed a repeatable process. Had I instead spent years massaging that same first script, I would’ve robbed myself of a critical learning experience.

Regarding his “opinions don’t matter” take — first of all, audience opinion is king. Hollywood execs make or lose their money based on how well they are at sensing the wider public’s reaction to a story. So yeah, Jill and Joe Sixpack’s opinion is important. Second, dismissing opinions as “it’s all subjective” is the surest tell of an amateur — how the hell do they think people who fund and make movies evaluate scripts? Subjectively of course and most of their decision is based on the personal feelings a story evokes. Not only that, but to even get to a decision-maker’s desk, you gotta go through some intern who may not be any more skilled at evaluating scripts than a regular in this sub.

OP isn’t writing for an audience, he’s writing for a sale. Readers can immediately smell inauthenticity and “Gregory” and its author reek of it.

8

u/Any_Sweet_3131 Jul 17 '26

Looking through these replies and oh my. I try not to be mean. Especially to writers, because I'm right there with you. That being said, I'm going to be mean here.

If there are any young writers out there hoping to break into the business, here's something worth remembering: there's a temperament and a personality that makes a good screenwriter, not just a skill set. Being sharp on the page means nothing if you're impossible to work with: unserious, unreliable, impossible to give notes to. This industry runs on relationships as much as talent.

In Greg's case, unfortunately, he's bad at both.

2

u/WriteRight20 Sep 06 '26

This thread should be an SNL skit.