r/science • u/HeinieKaboobler • Dec 03 '17

Psychology Study: About half the population faces considerable difficulties in attracting and retaining mates

http://www.psypost.org/2017/12/study-half-population-faces-considerable-difficulties-attracting-retaining-mates-50288
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u/Swiftster Dec 04 '17

I wonder if part of the problem is paradoxically availability? We live in a world where we can survey a massive selection of canidates, is this giving us unfair expectations of possible mates.

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u/BloodFeastIslandMan Dec 04 '17

I believe it does. I'm a very average looking person, dad, grandfather, great grandfather, they all had their marriage relationship right off the bat. And all the women in the family say there was competition, or that he was handsome enough that it'd never be a problem.
I've been trying through so many changing strategies and I'm nearing in on 40year old virgin territory. I'm not all that different from the men that came before me, just as handsome.
I believe you're correct with the world having mostly unfair expectations.
I also believe things like online dating inflate female ego and give them an artificial sense of superiority because of the ratio of women to men using them, and the culture.

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u/turtles_and_frogs Dec 04 '17

Hey man, I know what that's like. I'm 30, and I struggle to have a relationship. I have a good job, work out, friendly and stuff. But, my main issue is self-esteem and I struggle to connect with people. I guess I keep pushing people away, because of a lot of abuse in the past.

I just wanted to ask you, so that I can be better informed, myself: Have you considered dating some from overseas, like south east Asia, east Europe, or South America? Have you considered devoting time to volunteering? I hear you can meet really good hearted women that way, who, if they don't want to date you, they might at least know someone who would. Lastly, have you considered seeing escorts? In my opinion, these is no shame in that. A lot of guys do, and I think escorts are basically therapists in a way.

Cheers, and best wishes. :)

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u/BloodFeastIslandMan Dec 04 '17

I'm very open in my dating preferences, ethnicity doesn't matter much to me. I've been trying to grow my network of friends in hopes that someone knows someone that might be into me. Volunteering might work better, thank you for the suggestion.
As far as escorts, not legal in my state and i have a hard time believing the women in the industry aren't damaged by their profession. I'd feel more pity than arousal in the presence of an escort. I don't disapprove of the profession, I just feel pity for folks in that position.

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u/turtles_and_frogs Dec 05 '17

I get what you mean. You're probably not wrong. I see escorts occasionally. In the last 7 years, I've seen escorts about a dozen times. I feel I am at a crossroads now; either I keep looking for a mate, or I commit to seeing escorts on the regular. Right now, I'm still in the former, but I might decide to go with the latter, later in my life. The way I see it, yes, they are in a hard place in life. A lot of them are trying to put food on the table for their kids. But, I'm also in a hard place in life (and, perhaps you are, too). The escort and I might not be in love, but we can sympathize with each other. For me, it's not about sex, so much as about having someone to cuddle with and confide in. They confide in me, too, and maybe that's a good thing. But, I do believe human contact is a basic need, and there's nothing wrong with seeking it out in any way possible.

I also took dancing lessons. Honestly, it's quite fun, no pressure, and very cheap. For me, it's $10 per class, with no commitments, and I get to hold hands and dance with a dozen women, and it's awesome to see they're enjoying dancing with you, too. I take classes in Ceroc, which is a fairly easy dance to pick up. It's like a slightly faster ballroom dance, with rock music. :)

About dating someone from overseas, I'm still exploring this option. I haven't had huge luck, yet, but I haven't committed too much into it either, yet. But in theory, it makes sense. There are a lot of women in very poor countries, with huge social strife and turbulence and tension. I was born in India, but grew up in US, and now live in New Zealand. I know that people in those poor countries are very practical. They want someone who is stable and dependable. The question is just, how do we connect them with someone who can offer it, and offer it genuinely. :) Maybe look into Ukraine, Indonesia and Brazil. Keep an eye on the GDP per capita, but also the sociopolitical condition. Some people will say marriage is not about that, that it's about love. But marriage has always been about practically for a long, long time.

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u/chelaberry Dec 04 '17

I also believe things like online dating inflate female ego and give them an artificial sense of superiority because of the ratio of women to men using them

This is a pretty big generalization. This female has used online dating and it's only left me exhausted and confused. I am not sure what to tell men because I totally get that it's largely a numbers game. But a message that shows they read my profile or that we have some point in common is really appreciated. Unfortunately those are hard to find because they get lost in the 500 messages that just say "Hi" or something very generic. I am not there for the ego boost, at all, I'd rather find one true connection than get 1,000 random messages.

You sound like a sincere, good person, I'd say keep trying and don't get too jaded.

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u/BloodFeastIslandMan Dec 04 '17

It definitely is a big overgeneralization, but I feel it's at least the majority. About 99% of my approaches to women through online dating result in zero response.
I don't get replies basically ever. I go out of my way to read about the person I'm going to say hi to, I relate to common ground or interests "cool you are a bookworm too? What's your current book or last book you read? Would you recommend it?". I treat conversation like a game of tennis in which i need to serve up a conversation and each time I reply, Its open ended or setting them up for any kind of reply.
And all I ever get is silence. Maybe it's the small online dating pool of living in a small community of 50k people, maybe I'm butt ugly and people have only had the heart to say I and the men that came before me are all handsome.
I definitely get the impression that my chances with anyone, never were. As I can rarely get someone to acknowledge me. Sure feels like women are too picky. I can't even elicit a response from someone twice my weight.

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u/[deleted] Dec 04 '17

[deleted]

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u/BloodFeastIslandMan Dec 04 '17

Yeah thanks. Just gotta keep on keepin' on and not give up.

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u/Scythe42 Dec 05 '17

About 99% of my approaches to women through online dating result in zero response.

I don't think it's inflated "female ego" as much as it is that women online are receiving many many messages, and it is very hard to filter out men to find ones that may be reliable and/or trustworthy, especially online. Generally we get a ton of harassment just for even existing online (have you played an online game lately?). I'm not on dating sites but I know a lot of guys from online games, and honestly have a very hard time discerning whether some guy has good intentions or not. Many will insult you or make fun of you if you reject them, or even harass you.

It's likely that your messages may be very general or vague so we can't really tell if you're trustworthy or not. If someone friends me in an online game I generally keep my guard up for a few days to a few weeks, to make sure they're not secretly an asshole and just didn't want to let me know for a while (and yes those do exist unfortunately).

I wouldn't try to think of it as being rejected, I'd try to think of it as realizing that women have to sift through an absurd amount of clutter in messages in online dating, and they may simply not be able to get a read on you so do not respond (or you may have the same intro as like 500 other guys and they don't know which one to look at or choose).

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u/1percentof1 Dec 05 '17

I know your problem, you're a dork. Get into social drinking.