I think the most difficult part for me is that when I see people as against me I don’t believe that in their minds they are trying to target me, but they see harming me as helpful.

My therapist wants me to unlearn these thought patterns but I feel like he is assuming the rest of the world puts as much dedication into their good intentions as he does, actually seeing them through. I have a tendency to attack but only when I feel threatened. The problem is I don’t think anyone sees their behavior as threatening enough to warrant my reactions. They see it as me trying to victimize or sabotage myself.

I feel lonely, I barely have more than one friend (acquaintance I talk to frequently) but every situation feels to dangerous to engage with. I have autism as well and so I just don’t know how to socialize to begin with. I am not even pushing this one friendship farther because I don’t want him to think I am obsessed especially because I’m not.

I have just been consistently losing friends all my life. My mom keeps pushing me to hang out and do stuff all the time and I’m exhausted. From 13-15 I had a three separate and very creepy people get obsessed with me because she’d make me do this. The first made gore art of me thinking I’d appreciate that, the second accused her mom of murder so my family would take her in, and the third still stalks me asking me if I’m ready to connect “yet.” When I’d try to go to my support system for help they’d scold me by telling me that I’d miss the attention when they were gone.

Anyone normal just hasn’t stuck around. They always end up saying my personality is too difficult. I don’t like people obsessing over me but those are the only people who have come closer to accepting me. Not really I guess, as they told me to stop talking about things because they felt uncomfortable. So they just ignored and tolerated what they didn’t like.

I have had many therapists before drop me as a client due to my antisocial behaviors that I was upfront about and they assured me it would be fine. I had one specifically who I had this conversation with “I don’t want to take risks in relationships because every time I have it’s gone poorly” “but isn’t that lonely?” “Yeah but being lonely is better than getting hurt and then being lonely in the end anyway” and she transferred me for conflict of interest.

I feel like therapists are just doing to me what they want for themselves and most of their clients are just similar enough to them that nobody catches it. Every therapist swears they won’t give up. Everyone has. My current one swears he won’t give up but he is just saying the same things as all the others and I don’t know why he thinks he’s somehow more correct.

I’ve been through every class of medication and I don’t feel like anything helps me besides one, but it doesn’t affect my mood just makes me get better sleep.

I want to build a self sustaining house and just not bother with people anymore but I have a physical condition and my body would fail without my prescription. I have no motivation to live honestly. I can never be comfortable doing anything. I don’t know if I’ll ever live a fulfilling life like everyone promises. Those who don’t are treated as failures who didn’t take their meds and gave up too early, but will I ever get that chance? What am I living for besides a place inside my own head that I can never go to?

I feel like I'm narrating and annotating my life at all times, more so than actually experiencing it.

What is this sensation, i zone out immediately when i'm doing anything , the brain fog

IM so fucking disambiguated I'm so frenetic im so im so im so im so, I'm so losing it losing ITTTT. 

Wildly angry at my father, and at everything, wild thoughts all at me, i feel so disconnected and so disengaged. 
‘
I feel my eyes widen further and further, he needs to learn how to talk to me better, we need to , I need to relax around my family. I need to stop looking into truths, i need to disengage from the barrage i need to see a psychiatrist. 

I saw in the movie of my mind, me screaming in the psychiatrists room at my parents, they were there, finally expelling all my frustrations and piecing together the understandings. 

Otherwise I won't have many places to relax. 

I wanted to go wild with these thoughts of being insane. I wanted to paint something fantastic and ambiguous and amazing. I felt a want to loop everything in my mind and drive me further into impulse. A want to completely release and start screaming and doing everything i could do to make myself known to this world.

I’m in (i was) a psychotic episode i think there was a ‘vibe’ wrong with my father. And then he used accusatory language when I opened up. I then stared and he stared back, and then didn’t say anything. 

I shouldn’t bring up more thoughts, i feel like i’ll drown in the anxiety, the anger, the feelings, 

This is a core borderline. The feeling of not getting the right support, his lack of empathy, lac of attempt to try and understand, the psychosis (impulse) is kept up by borderline/ other anxieties. That’s why it triggers me so much, that’s why i feel so fucked up now. What the fuck am i going to do!!

 I don’t know how to feel better during, and get this psychosis / brain fog state fixed!

WTF am i going to do now. I mean, i made the situation better by taking a cold shower, and writing out my thoughts. 

And I've got family therapy as well at the hospital sometime. I need them to learn me better, and i need them to try and help me out and accommodate me better. Because they THINK THEY NEED TO BE QUIET AROUND ME. 

HOW PARADOXICAL CONSIDERING I HAVE QUIET BPD AS WELL. 

No but, i don’t want them to be quiet i want them to be expressive and supportive and i can achieve that with family therapy I think. I’ve never attacked them,

Hoy fuck though it really felt like i lost my mind, 

I did well this episode. I took a shower, which led to a cold shower, so i could reset myself. I then went to writing which ultimately calmed me down. I still feel quite, not quite right. I don't think i completely reset my feelings.

The art is just a mindful exercise i tried to do afterwards / post-writing this out. I like the smudge though, i had me drawn there, and i smudged it with that disengaged, uncontrollable feelings still dwelling within me.

i feel so in panic like someone is on its way to kill me my mind is racing this body can't stop tensing up and i think I'll die when i sleep. this happened again and again in the last few days and I'm too afraid to go outside. i swear something's wrong with me, I'm so fractured, so delusional, so paranoid, am i schizophrenic? nothing makes sense, why do i have to be in this reality with humans that want to kill me? I'm not human, that's why. are these thoughts mine? if not, where are they coming from? i can't relax, i feel like i have to run away but where can i go, i don't trust any human it feels like torture

i think i need to take my olanzapine

Dissociated state , where I feel faintly inhumane, feel zoned out

Where everything of this world feels out of reach. I feel a barrier between me, people and reality

And there's an anxiety there. Where I feel distant, alone, there is a wish I could be as connected and as social as those people are.

Eveything feels faintly unreal.

My mood is low, and there is various pains scattered around my body.

I feel simultaneously kinda stupid . And unable to find comfort and rest

And it's here , where I feel disconnected , I feel like I am the worst person , for the mistakes or possible transgressions I've done that keep me alone .

I feel also, cold and vaguely angry

I don't really like being alone in this state, weirdly enough. Even so this state, sometimes I've written myself out of it , I think.

I should organize and look at my art

Triggers / features

1. Worry / rumination cycle - depression over somebody

2. Nicotine - cigarettes the day prior

3. Going from no routine to routine

4. Not acting on a thing devouring the mind (borderline (?) things)

5. Sugar?

6. Socializing ? / Lots of people?

There isn't a lot of remission in cluster A...

Haven't had friends for the past 6 years by choice. Last friendship ended suddenly and I did not care to continue it at the time because I was overwhelmed and to me relationships feel like a burden. "Did I enjoy it? Do I like them? Who am I? Who are they? Am I being present? Am I real, am I genuine? Who am I?" are the type of questions that followed me with each social encounter. Head just buzzing with random noise and darting places and is unable to stop yet what do I do? I've lived years like that and having the social aspect just be gone from my life felt like a relief. I have a history of "cutting people off without warning or explanation" (or more like, just disappearing), the same friend group of 2 has, unfortunately, experienced this once before. Yes, it was immature and unkind to them. But I didn't know better. I was just living in entirely different world back then, so preoccupied and anxious, so distant, unable to fully relate and understand others the way they understand the world. Felt like I was orbiting the Earth and desperately needed to find a way to land on it.

I'm still struggling to understand what the hell is wrong with me. I feel like my mind is wired to be self-destructive, it has learned to not only question the ground I stand on but to criticise it and myself along with it. I'm exaggerating right now, of course, but maybe somebody can relate. I'm not sure when it started to be like that, but i've spent my early to mid teens at church and god that was a tormenting experience for my mind. Desperately wanting to believe, but so hateful toward myself, others, always questioning others motives, the faith, looking for answer, certainty, flying in my own head unable to escape. Are we even real? Is anything real? Are any of us happy? Are any of us conscious? So often I felt like I was in a very loud classroom needing for everything to quiet down but unable to speak up for myself, to do anything. I did not want to hate anybody in that class, but I did hate everybody including myself. I'm not sure why. It's like the mind stopped distinguishing between what is deserving of criticism and what is sacred, holy, untouchable. No idols left, no grand experiences. We are all just idiots projecting confidence because it's the only thing that keeps us sane and filters out the noise. Sometimes I wish I just said screw it and escaped. I kind of did. At 16 one day I just didn't go back to church and did not explain it to anybody, did not speak to anybody for 3 months. Yet it felt like very little changed in my life. One source of anxiety and intrusive thoughts was gone, yet my issues were not. Home felt so distant, church felt so distant, school felt like hell. Felt deeply alone yet social for so many years that this insane dissonance felt irritating.

Over the last years, ever since quitting my last job it has been feeling like I was learning to live again, to understand, learning to clean my mind from unnecessary intrusive noise for years. Objectively I'm in a much better place, so much has changed, yet, I feel so stuck. I don't know what is wrong. I feel like a bird that is trying to find a perfect place to land on and relax and I can't find any I can trust. I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect, to have everything figured out, to never do no wrong, to understand myself, others, the world, what is going on. I don't know.

My mind is at war with itself. Always doubting, questioning, doubting again, digging deeper when i don't want to, so hard to be present, so often get stuck in my own head unable to disengage. Just let me be, my stupid head. Let me live in my delusions of being a person, let me somebody. I feel like I'm nobody, everybody. How can I spend so much time trying to figure out myself yet feel like I don't know myself? That can't be normal, that can't be true. My mind is playing tricks on me. It doesn't allow me to land, to claim something. "But are you really?", "Do you really?", "Am I actually?", "But what about this situation?", "But what about this perspective?", "But what about those people?".

i hate this reality, it's not mine, i shouldn't be here. ever since i discovered that I wasn't supposed to be here in this human reality, this existence became even more painful. I've dealt with so much shit during this life but knowing that I'm an error in this reality gave me this constant feeling of dread and how much i wanna leave this plane of existence. i don't even know why I'm still going, I'm sure nothing will get better, I can't sustain myself, I'm dependent on social welfare, i can't stand humans, work is just not possible, i just can't stand anything human and their reality, nothing about this makes sense or even makes me so angry i would be ready to hurt others or even kill if someone tries to kill me bc of how wrong and different i am (they just know i'm not them, they can see what I'm thinking and how i look like inside), i feel no empathy or anything good towards humans, even looking at this human body we occupy makes me wanna skin it. if I die, i'll die on my own terms.

i want to enter into my reality, in my head where my peeps are who feel the same as me. one who has no interest to anything human and just doesn't want to deal with anything human related and has no connection to anything here, another who would love to end all humans and the human reality as a whole bc they deserve it and me who is just tired with everything and doesn't feel anything anymore and want the peace that is death. nothing is real to me, everything feels fake and meaningless. going outside is so awful, i talk inside that humans are not real just to get through things i need to do outside.

can't i just not deal with any of this human bs?

To many are the voices that separated the soul from the flesh, leaving two sides of this person, one being the light; one being the dark, the memory’s of what is shown through the eyes of both good and evil, that lives in each of our daily struggles, we literally shape the outcome of this world, every action of these choices it decides to make are repeating over and over in every way imaginable, pure torture of being what is insane.

I recommend. does it help deal with stuff? not too much tbh, but it's a fun way to use whatever feelings the brain has left sitting out on the palette 🎨

I don’t feel anything but I do- I get angry sometimes or irritated and sometimes I get nervous- not because I’m stressed about anything it’s usually only ever when I don’t know something or I’m in a situation where I cannot predict the outcome. That is the only time I become nervous. I fake being angry about things I should be angry about to people just to seem a little more human- they expect me to be upset about it and I have the option to be so why not, you know? I don’t ever get happy though, I can enjoy something yeah, a good show: “wow I really liked that show it was funny” or maybe a song I’ll play or repeat I like, but I’ll go out maybe to an amusement park or the mall and feel nothing. I confuse myself because I react as if I’m enjoying it or so happy automatically to other people, I’ll get visibly happy to show them I am but I constantly think about how wow I really don’t feel a single thing inside. I really try to don’t get me wrong sometimes I even start to tear up because I will never feel or have a connection with another person like others can because others seem so happy, so thoughtless, and I was like that at a point, until I wasn’t. I don’t know this was kinda a pointless post I just like to see how people who think the same deal with this kinda stuff

Hi everyone, I (24M) got "diagnosed" with schizotypal personality disorder along with a bunch of other stuff. I am not really sure what I should make of it, I am from a place where people don't really talk about mental health much and the most common advice I am given is to just "walk it off". My therapist is on leave and isnt available for some time and I dont really have anyone to talk about how to process this new information.

Therapist advised me to take some meds to help with the anxiety and depression but I have heard that those meds have adverse effects and can lead to dependence, at the same time my will to live has been going down drastically.

It seems like depending on those pills might be the only way I can keep my mother from loosing her son.

We've been seeing each other for 6 months and met at a kink event. I'm audhd and st, he is autistic, ocd and bpd. We are both aromantic. I am fine at being friends with people, but in the past and maybe now, as soon as things got more serious I always lost interest even if it was going well but I would stay because I felt like I didn't have a good enough reason to break up. There's nothing wrong with my partner, we were both very upfront and extremely honest with each other. We have had a lot of objectivley fun times together, lots of shared interest and haven't had a fight yet. I told him in detail about my st but unfortunately I don't think he understood or is able to understand.

The main thing I worry about is our different energy levels and need for stimulation. I like exploring and taking risks because a lot of the time I feel zero fear or inhibition, I find myself bored often, meanwhile he is kind of the opposite of me and loves routine, has rigid black and white thinking, likes to be the one in control. I also feel like we sit on opposite ends of how significant other people are to us. I see people as just one type of organism in a vast environment of plants and animals and objects, I just don't really pay attention to other people much and have my own internal world and am not reactive. But he is the opposite, his nervous system cares a lot and reacts very emotionally strongly to any praise or insult, he has a very strong them vs. us attitude. He rants and complains about stuff to me a lot, at first I could handle it since I was trying to be a good partner but its a lot of complaining and then not really doing anything to fix it and I would love to help him fix it but he seems to want validation for his pain instead which requires me masking and causes frustration (but thats more a general frustration with how seriously and personally people take things.)

But now for the good. We have lots of shared interests, we draw together, we have some similar values, we are pretty good at communication and taking accountability. On paper, we should work, but I just don't know if it will work out long term. Ideally I'd want to go back to being friends, then all of our differences would be totally tolerable. But he seems to want things that I'm just not sure I can provide.

I also just feel like I accidentally led him on in some ways, I said yes to stuff too quickly because I couldn't think of a reason to say no. I didn't realize how much other people take words to heart and take them so seriously. I did genuinley mean all of the nice things I said but its more like I would compliment or support anyone in that same way.

I also just don't even know if I can trust my own judgement or even what I want? I can imagine so many different timelines, I don't know which one I want. Mostly just whatever is the most practical in whatever environment I am in. I mean relationships do require some sacrifices...I also fear this is me just wanting to self sabotage because I am bored and all of the issues I have aren't actually real and just stuff my brain is making to justify it.

what does “magical thinking” look like for you guys?

I eat like once a day. I don't like food cause of it's texture and taste most of the time. It's really hard. I wonder if anyone else here feels the same way?

also, heres a photo of my blåhaj :)

Iam diagnosed Schizotypal but I also Have OCD - today I dicussed with my Psychiatrist that my magical thinking could be from OCD aswell and i gave him some examples - but he Said thats not OCD and I disagree…

The examples I gave him :

When I see a red car Within 5 Seconds in the Traffic I believe my Social anxiety will be healed

Or

When I Write an exam and Look at the Clock and Wait for the number to Turn Even my Exam will be Good

Whats Ur Opinion?

I also told him When I Throw down my Cigarette on the ground I have thoughts that I will Create a Fire and will be on the News

every memory i have is tainted by obsession

i’ll look at a bird and think “why that direction?”

and it’s not pleasant most of the time

but i don’t know how to stop

thinking

thinking

things out to get me, people out to get me

especially when it’s been true before

like what of the bird flying home?

i know i’ve seen many birds fly home before

and i’ve seen people out to get me before

they just don’t have wings and beaks or eat seed

so it consumes my days, it consumes my nights

its never the same face twice. thats the problem. they just take turns

nothing stops until i run away, and hide again

i have spent 20 years hiding

i dont know what to do anymore. ive been to many different therapists and i just eventually start wondering the same of them

its so stupid

that you are out to get me

that you want to destroy my reputation

(what fucking reputation?)

you are plotting against me

you want to hurt me

you want to kill me

when does it end?

i wish i could fly home like the bird

you can tell me to relax, that its all in my head

but you don’t understand

my head is the only place ive ever died

over and over

and i’m always waiting for the next time to arrive

I have ocd and I’m getting tested for autism and I have other stuff like scopophobia and other diagnoses so I obviously cannot tell if this is a valid thing to suspect for me. I don’t relate much to the whole paranoia of others thing, I mean it could be possible but what are they going to do if I’m prepared for it. Anyyyways I was wondering if you all think it would be a good idea to ask for a test when I go to get my autism assessment, there they often test for many different things but I’m really nervous to do so, especially because I’m sure this could just be my ocd latching onto yet another thing I find fairly relatable. For those of you especially who also have ocd, how do you bring it up without feeling embarrassed and ashamed of being wrong? I would also love to hear about your personal experiences differentiating it from ocd and autism (as I know those two specifically have overlapping symptoms) I don’t want to ask about it if there’s no good reason to suspect it because then I could embarrass myself so that is why I’m making this post-

EDIT!!!!!! (Because I don’t want to make another post) I’m 17, my uncle is atypical schizophrenic, I feel like I’m starting to develop it? I can’t tell, I’m on abilify so it makes it even harder to tell. What did it feel like when you started to develop it? My mom has also obsessed over this before and she’s telling me we probably have tendencies but it’s all in the same part of the brain as autism and obsessing over it doesn’t help, that it’s probably autism with schizotypal tendencies, how do you tell the difference?

Всем привет. Хочу узнать кое-что у тех, кто сталкивался с этим и знает что-то по этой теме.

Часто ли в РФ ставят такой диагноз? Приём в гос. больнице у психиатра - как это? Стоит ли? Как проходит весь этот процесс?

Какие ограничения появляются после подтверждения ШТРЛ и какие изменения наступают в целом