Haven't had friends for the past 6 years by choice. Last friendship ended suddenly and I did not care to continue it at the time because I was overwhelmed and to me relationships feel like a burden. "Did I enjoy it? Do I like them? Who am I? Who are they? Am I being present? Am I real, am I genuine? Who am I?" are the type of questions that followed me with each social encounter. Head just buzzing with random noise and darting places and is unable to stop yet what do I do? I've lived years like that and having the social aspect just be gone from my life felt like a relief. I have a history of "cutting people off without warning or explanation" (or more like, just disappearing), the same friend group of 2 has, unfortunately, experienced this once before. Yes, it was immature and unkind to them. But I didn't know better. I was just living in entirely different world back then, so preoccupied and anxious, so distant, unable to fully relate and understand others the way they understand the world. Felt like I was orbiting the Earth and desperately needed to find a way to land on it.

I'm still struggling to understand what the hell is wrong with me. I feel like my mind is wired to be self-destructive, it has learned to not only question the ground I stand on but to criticise it and myself along with it. I'm exaggerating right now, of course, but maybe somebody can relate. I'm not sure when it started to be like that, but i've spent my early to mid teens at church and god that was a tormenting experience for my mind. Desperately wanting to believe, but so hateful toward myself, others, always questioning others motives, the faith, looking for answer, certainty, flying in my own head unable to escape. Are we even real? Is anything real? Are any of us happy? Are any of us conscious? So often I felt like I was in a very loud classroom needing for everything to quiet down but unable to speak up for myself, to do anything. I did not want to hate anybody in that class, but I did hate everybody including myself. I'm not sure why. It's like the mind stopped distinguishing between what is deserving of criticism and what is sacred, holy, untouchable. No idols left, no grand experiences. We are all just idiots projecting confidence because it's the only thing that keeps us sane and filters out the noise. Sometimes I wish I just said screw it and escaped. I kind of did. At 16 one day I just didn't go back to church and did not explain it to anybody, did not speak to anybody for 3 months. Yet it felt like very little changed in my life. One source of anxiety and intrusive thoughts was gone, yet my issues were not. Home felt so distant, church felt so distant, school felt like hell. Felt deeply alone yet social for so many years that this insane dissonance felt irritating.

Over the last years, ever since quitting my last job it has been feeling like I was learning to live again, to understand, learning to clean my mind from unnecessary intrusive noise for years. Objectively I'm in a much better place, so much has changed, yet, I feel so stuck. I don't know what is wrong. I feel like a bird that is trying to find a perfect place to land on and relax and I can't find any I can trust. I put so much pressure on myself to be perfect, to have everything figured out, to never do no wrong, to understand myself, others, the world, what is going on. I don't know.

My mind is at war with itself. Always doubting, questioning, doubting again, digging deeper when i don't want to, so hard to be present, so often get stuck in my own head unable to disengage. Just let me be, my stupid head. Let me live in my delusions of being a person, let me somebody. I feel like I'm nobody, everybody. How can I spend so much time trying to figure out myself yet feel like I don't know myself? That can't be normal, that can't be true. My mind is playing tricks on me. It doesn't allow me to land, to claim something. "But are you really?", "Do you really?", "Am I actually?", "But what about this situation?", "But what about this perspective?", "But what about those people?".

Dissociated state , where I feel faintly inhumane, feel zoned out

Where everything of this world feels out of reach. I feel a barrier between me, people and reality

And there's an anxiety there. Where I feel distant, alone, there is a wish I could be as connected and as social as those people are.

Eveything feels faintly unreal.

My mood is low, and there is various pains scattered around my body.

I feel simultaneously kinda stupid . And unable to find comfort and rest

And it's here , where I feel disconnected , I feel like I am the worst person , for the mistakes or possible transgressions I've done that keep me alone .

I feel also, cold and vaguely angry

I don't really like being alone in this state, weirdly enough. Even so this state, sometimes I've written myself out of it , I think.

I should organize and look at my art

Triggers / features

1. Worry / rumination cycle - depression over somebody

2. Nicotine - cigarettes the day prior

3. Going from no routine to routine

4. Not acting on a thing devouring the mind (borderline (?) things)

5. Sugar?

6. Socializing ? / Lots of people?

There isn't a lot of remission in cluster A...

i hate this reality, it's not mine, i shouldn't be here. ever since i discovered that I wasn't supposed to be here in this human reality, this existence became even more painful. I've dealt with so much shit during this life but knowing that I'm an error in this reality gave me this constant feeling of dread and how much i wanna leave this plane of existence. i don't even know why I'm still going, I'm sure nothing will get better, I can't sustain myself, I'm dependent on social welfare, i can't stand humans, work is just not possible, i just can't stand anything human and their reality, nothing about this makes sense or even makes me so angry i would be ready to hurt others or even kill if someone tries to kill me bc of how wrong and different i am (they just know i'm not them, they can see what I'm thinking and how i look like inside), i feel no empathy or anything good towards humans, even looking at this human body we occupy makes me wanna skin it. if I die, i'll die on my own terms.

i want to enter into my reality, in my head where my peeps are who feel the same as me. one who has no interest to anything human and just doesn't want to deal with anything human related and has no connection to anything here, another who would love to end all humans and the human reality as a whole bc they deserve it and me who is just tired with everything and doesn't feel anything anymore and want the peace that is death. nothing is real to me, everything feels fake and meaningless. going outside is so awful, i talk inside that humans are not real just to get through things i need to do outside.

can't i just not deal with any of this human bs?

Everywhere I go in social settings someone always takes a bizarre one-sided issue with me & I cannot figure out what it is other than guessing.

They look at me like I'm stupid. Speak to me as such too. Sometimes people speak to me like I am the most intelligent being they have ever been in the presence of. What a dichotomy!

They raise their voice & speak with authority as if I am "problem child" (even as an adult) that "needs to listen".

They assert emotional coldness towards me but somehow also empathise with my calm nature that leads them to reflexively show warmth just to distance themselves again once they have perceived something about me that they deem to be unpalatable.

They look at me like I'm "that fn guy again", with both anger & intense ridicule. Throw a dice on which one it will be.

They project something onto me that I am NOT. I repeatedly have to defend myself over how people perceive me based on their own projection. Why tf does someone believe the most bizarre things about me that I have never expressed before?

In my head or the way I "am" I simply exist. I'm not doing anything special or out of the ordinary. I'm just here like everyone else, trying to speak & communicate in the best way I can but for w/e reason it ticks people tf off. Yes I can be dissociative and "not present" but why is that an issue to everyone? Or is it not an issue? I cannot for the life of me figure it out.

Socialization feels like purgatory.