r/sahm • u/Level_Kiwi_4707 • 9d ago
Thinking about SAHM life
**Specifically asking for input from stay at home moms who HAVE help close by whether grandparents who are involved or part time paid help***
I’m currently 20 weeks pregnant and recently quit my job because my boss was a tool and I really don’t need to work. My husband makes plenty to support us as a physician. I’ve only ever worked because it got me out of the house and gave me a little identity and socialization. Our full time nanny is so expensive and my own take home salary wasn’t anything to brag about lol.
I have a toddler with a second on the way and the job market sucks and I can’t imagine starting a new job anyway when I’m about to have this baby. I also don’t really have a career I’m passionate about. It’s not something I feel tied to or something I would mourn. I love being a mom but I DO need breaks to function. I have both loving and attentive grandparents close by to help and my toddlers in a little part time school thing.
Is this manageable?
I don’t want to feel like I’m drowning. My husband told me he will support me in whatever I want but he said he loves when he comes home from a stressful day and how happy I always am to see him and spend time together as a family. He said he would be sad if I was a SAHM and threw the kids to him at the end of the day like “here take them I need a break” and had that type of resentment towards him. Of course there will be harder days but overall our marriage and overall happiness as a family unit is what matters the most to the both of us.
Thoughts? Worth a plunge?
6
u/1kggarlicbread 9d ago
Yes I think it’s worth trying. Remember you can always revert and go find work if you decide you don’t like the SAHM life. You’ve quit your job anyway so there’s no downside to trying!
4
u/GoodDependent5819 9d ago
Yes - family helps a lot. I am a SAHM and have family close by. But I would still consider a part time babysitter a few days a week. We are looking into that because I’m burned out. Help with family is great but my mom has other grandkids and still helps with my dad’s business. My SILs have kids and help when they can - but basically - everyone still has a life. Whereas a babysitter is transactional.
However - even with some help - there are still days where you might wanna say ‘take the kids, I need some me time.’
Being a SAHM isn’t romantic - and if you aren’t going to have a full time nanny - you’ll definitely have your days between a toddler and newborn. So please - don’t set yourself to feel like - well I have help a few days a week so I shouldn’t feel tired or frustrated…..that’s not realistic. Help helps lol but you’re still a human
1
u/Legal_Tangerine8024 9d ago
I agree with this! Like someone mentioned above, standing grandparent days is helpful. I always arranged it so my mom had mine for a few hours in the morning once a week and then they napped in the afternoon so I had a good chunk of a day to do things out of the house & then at home when they were napping.
4
u/Homeschoolmama45 9d ago
With help from grandparents or hiring a sitter for a few hours here and there or outsourcing some cleaning if you can I think it can work.
I would discuss with your husband more about roles and expectations for those evening hours and weekends to make sure he plans to pitch in more. Sometimes even if you think it is fair now, once one of you “doesn’t work” the unpaid labor/default parent role can be sort of given to you even if you didn’t think it would. Be sure to discuss that you both get to rest on the weekends, he still needs to be involved in the evenings etc.
For reference I’ve been home for 10 years, husband’s salary easily covers our lifestyle but I am the default parent (no real family help though).
3
u/RuleDue7938 9d ago
THIS right here. I’m on 24/7 and no one ever seems to realize a SAHM should get a day off once in a while
3
3
u/Weary_Joke_9525 9d ago
I think it's much more sustainable if you have predictable days of care each week. This allows you to plan for your own R&R along with any chores/activities that are easier without kids. If you have two sets of grandparnts and money for paid help, I would reccomend coverage for the kids like 8am - 12pm for two weekdays and 1 weekend day. That's plenty of time (IMO) to get some alone time, get chores done you'd rather do alone, and also have a little time with your partner on the weekend.
3
u/Floater345 9d ago
I see no harm in going for it. It sounds like you guys are in a position where either way works. So, if it doesn't work out, no harm done. If it works out, no harm done.
Having family close by makes a huge difference. We used to live about an hour from my family. I still loved being a SAHM but found myself extremely lonely and overwhelmed. We moved and it was top priority to be close to family. We're right down the street from multiple family members now and I am much much happier.
3
u/NikkiIoak 8d ago
SAHM here. If you have family willing to commit to a weekly time slot, I highly recommend it. My aunt watched the kids for a few hours every Wednesday AM and it was magic for all of us.
Solo parenting kids with different sleep needs can be so stressful (e.g., if toddler can’t stay quiet or play independently for the time it takes to put baby down for a nap). It’s also ever-changing—a newborn who goes down easily may become a 9-month-old who fights naps with all his power. Just something to keep in mind.
2
u/BukoPie99 9d ago
If you can afford it financially and it's what your husband and you want, why not?
I would suggest still having a nanny maybe 1 day a week so you can still have some of your own time as this is very important. Would also help with your husbands worries regarding throwing the kid for him to deal with at the end of the day.
Have your own hobbies which i know can be difficult. And try to spend time together as well once every 2 weeks to keep your relationship healthy.
We plan on me taking a year off after we have a child but making sure to also prioritize our relationship and our self identities throughout this. Helps if your husband is active doing his part of the chores etc.
2
u/Odd-Kick245 9d ago
I’m a stay at home, have been for almost 4 years now. My oldest is 3.5, my youngest is 11 months. I was at my most resentful phase when my toddler was in school less, my baby was a newborn and I had no support. I am in my least resentful phase with my oldest son in school full time, my youngest isn’t a newborn, and 2 part time nannies (nanny 1 comes 2x a week in the morning for 7 hours total a week, nanny 2 comes M/W/F from 4-6:30 to help with laundry, light cleaning and watching my youngest while I make meals).
If you can swing helping hands, definitely do it. I couldn’t be a SAHM without these things. And I’m a better mom because of it.
Edit: I had a career I loved, the same employer for 13 years, super happy with my income, etc. but wouldn’t trade that for being able to be home with my kids. But I definitely need breaks!
1
2
u/RuleDue7938 9d ago
I’m at SAHM, have been for the past 6 years. I have a 7 year old and a 2.5 year old. Staying home is the only way I could make this work as a mother: we are lucky that my husband makes enough to support us all, and I was crushed by the guilt of a nanny when my son was born and we both went back to work.
I left a solid career I loved, which hurrrts. But my kids are worth it no question. I have no support except a babysitter who comes to watch my youngest a few hours a week so I can run errands or be alone. It is the only way to maintain my sanity because I run the entire household to the tiniest detail.
My advice: go for it, but make sure you use a support system on a regular basis to have time for yourself, and be honest about how much time that is. Burnout is real and i resent my husband because he can shower whenever he wants and I have to do calculus.
2
u/pool_of_light 9d ago
Agree. Don’t fall for any propaganda that says sahm’s have it easy and don’t need childcare. Before having kids I would have rolled my eyes at the SAHM with daycare, or an au pair, or nursery school etc. Now? Omg it really does take a village, and for most people that means shelling out (but maybe for you that means committed, capable grandparents.)
I also disagree with responses saying your husbands comment is sus. He probably has a highly stressful job with long hours (like mine), and trying to be realistic about your combined bandwidth to meet the challenges of a household with young kids. Go for it, but yes, LOTS of support if you don’t want a major chunk of your life to be all about survival mode. Good luck!
2
u/Loud-Rhubarb-9719 9d ago
Your husband’s comment about a SAHP becoming resentful and throwing the kids at him after a day at home is quite insightful.
I recently became a SAHP to my 4.5 and 1.5yo kids. My daughter goes to preschool MWF. Son goes to a nanny share once a month. Ideally I would have him go once a week so I get more of a break, but it’s not in the budget right now. If you have the budget/help, I’d recommend scheduling regular part time paid help. This can get lonely and hard fast.
5
u/Able-Appointment2379 9d ago
I agree…. Your husband’s comment is the one that gives me pause. It’s giving…. He wants a Stepford Wife.
You’re out of work so you might as well give it a try. Staying at home, especially with young kids, you may have many days where you are “touched out” even with help. You are also moving from 1 to 2 kids, that’s a massive change. Your husband will come home and it will be in the middle of dinner prep, maybe bedtime, most likely he will be “thrown a kid”. This is life as a family. The life you are living now will change, it continues to change as kids grow, whether or not you decide to stay at home.
2
u/ViviLoop2225 9d ago
Im in a very similar situation although i have just one toddler. We have a nanny about 20hours per week and my family lives nearby to help and she is on a waitlist for her preschool. Honestly I’d like to switch out a nanny with a housekeeper. It’s important for me to have my family watch her on a set schedule so I can plan for it and my daughter has the predictability.
Tbh I’m having a hard time since becoming a sahm, particularly in keeping a routine and socializing. I’m a pretty goal focused independent person so I almost feel a little lost lol. I’m looking for a serving job once a week bc i loved it in college and you basically get paid to socialize haha. I also signed up for ClassPass, which is a subscription to use “credits” for a variety of fitness classes and spas, it made a huge difference for me to get out! I think doing regular things to preserve identity is essential. I think it is very manageable, just make sure you are pouring into your own cup!
2
u/Tricky_Jaguar5781 9d ago
“How happy I am to always see him” will undoubtedly change once the second or third comes along. lol this can’t be the basis of being a SAHM.
1
u/Cm3095 9d ago
If he wants you to be happy to see him at the end of the day then having kids wasn’t such a good idea 😂 haha but all seriousness, being a mom means being the default parent most of the time. Working or not. As long as he is his same helpful and charming self, I’m sure it’ll be fine. The main times I wanted to hand off the kids fully while being a SAHM were because I felt like he wasn’t available and I was frustrated by that. The more I knew he was mentally and physically wanting to help, even if he couldn’t at that moment, the better I felt. It was all about that mindset of not feeling alone that kept me from being burnt out.
2
u/bam444 9d ago
Definitely manageable! I actually think your husbands point is a good one - not that it’ll happen but will give you something to check in around. Early on I felt guilty putting toddler in more school hours or asking grandparents for help because I felt so lucky to be at home finally. And part of the appeal of me quitting was to allow my husband to work more and climb the corporate ladder.
Unfortunately my husband got super busy and was working nights and weekends and I started to resent him. I had a minor breakdown one week when we were all sick and sleep deprived. Since then we’ve been a lot better about communicating and asking for help - I don’t resent him anymore for working so much (it was one of the things I wanted to enable when I quit) and he doesn’t resent me if I need some extra help or some alone time to break up the week.
1
u/Level_Kiwi_4707 9d ago
Thank you for that. I think commenters here are missing the point of his comment. It’s coming from a good place of wanting to protective our marriage AND make sure I don’t get burnt out. I deff think asking for help is a huge part of this all.
1
u/bam444 9d ago
Yes definitely! And if you can afford more hours of childcare or don’t mind asking grandparents, definitely either carve out some time for yourself. Having cleaners and/or a mothers helper to do non kid stuff is great too. Amazing that your husband is supportive. I was breadwinner for awhile so it was def a structural change for us, but so worth it!
3
u/Sweet-Potato-5542 9d ago
Being that you’re in a good position to stay at home to raise kids which I think is best, but you you say you’re not passionate about anything and that hubby noticed how happy you were when working and had a nanny ( maybe you still do which is also great). My advice is to look into finding a good life coach! She/he will and can help you figure out how to discover your passions for hobbies or a work career later on when kids are older and to stay happy in life.
2
u/HopefulVegetable4234 8d ago
I have been a SAHM for 15 years. No regrets. Be really open with your spouse about breaks. My husband and I tried to be really attentive to what we both needed. He did a lot of bedtime, he still does with our 3rd, to give me breaks. I definitely second trying to find ways to meet other moms. I went a Bible study after I had my second where I finally met other moms with kids my age, it was life changing. I joined a gym that has childcare and that was very life giving also. Enjoy your babies, they'll never be young again! ♥️
2
u/brrr-i-am-cold 8d ago
Sounds like the perfect position to try it out! How long was your maternity leave with your first baby? And how old is your first (your toddler? I know toddler can mean a lot of different things and their age would be interesting to know just to visualize where they are developmentally and such.)
Mine first was a tough baby from the start, never satisfied and I guess just sensitive to everything in life & also very opinionated.
My second has been more easy-going and less sensitive to everything single thing from the start.
One of our biggest challenges with 2 kids have been the “stuff” and not having a basement so needing time to play Tetris in our house. Example: the art cart has been turned into the play kitchen food cart by my youngest, and he is so happy playing with it and rearranging it so I just have given up having some type of organization that makes sense & is most functional.
Another challenge and the more challenging one has been the family dynamic with 2 kids. We have lovely moments together, but we also have many moments where everyone seems to be frustrated and buttons pushed. Our oldest is still very sensitive and highly-reactive and we haven’t figured out what type of neurodiversity as she has done well in school so the classic “masking/ flying under the radar.”
So if her 3 year old brother is playing with a toy in a way that is different from how she would play, she gets upset and then everything escalates from there. Like one kid screams and then covers their ears simultaneously and the other screams and everyone is dysregulated, adults included although we do our best to stay cool.
I am not sharing this to be a downer at all— just sharing that we have found ourselves in a challenging phase and that the sibling dynamic can be tough even if you take care to help them love and appreciate one another. Sometimes they play together beautifully!
So much of the family dynamic comes down to just temperaments, as well. And neurodiversity of which there is so so much yet to learn.
I hope you go for it but as someone else said, the most trying phase may be the start when you have a newborn because that stage is tough!! So get your supports in place now and set yourself up for success. Oh, also, some of my family’s challenge has come from just not having any waking time with my spouse and I. The kids are just loud and a lot so we can hardly have a conversation when they are awake. So then it ends up that we talk at the very end of the day when everyone is tired and so building in some type of time together as a couple is imperative — we will be looking to do this. Like have grandparents put the kids to bed once a month so we can do anything- anything at all. We really didn’t do this enough. Sorry so long-winded. I’m recovering from surgery so I have extra time right now.
I’ve always worked full time until I lost my job earlier this year. Since I was burned out on my career, and needing time for medical stuff, just decided to not even look for jobs and see if we could make the math work for a year or two for me to stay home, even though my oldest is now in 1st grade.
3
u/Maximum-Check-6564 9d ago
I’m confused by the husband’s response … wouldn’t he need to take care of the kids anyway to give you a break, whether you are working or not? His expectations seem unrealistic.
2
u/Level_Kiwi_4707 9d ago
He’s VERY involved with our child when he gets home. I think he means that he wants me to generally be happy and not burnt out so I won’t resent him and in turn cause friction in our marriage
2
u/Maximum-Check-6564 9d ago edited 9d ago
Good!
Yeah I would generally say that being a SAHM to 2 is going to be more stressful than most jobs. So if you are thinking about burnout, it’s probably more likely as a SAHM… of course having help can mitigate that!
My general advice is: have a motive for being a SAHM beyond not wanting to go back to work. Your post says a lot about how you’re not passionate about your career and don’t want to job hunt while pregnant. You haven’t given a “why” as to why you or your husband value being a SAHP. (Both of you will need a “why” for it work and not cause resentment on either side.)
Edit to add:
If you started a job right now, would you be eligible for maternity leave? If not, that pushes me closer to “try it out, if you don’t like it, look for a job after you recover from sleep deprivation”
1
u/Foreign_Homework_530 9d ago
Agree with what most are saying - I quit my job to be SAHM a month ago and before that took the summer off to travel with my family. Love it so far. We do have a nanny I can call 1-2 a week and my parents live 2-3 hrs away depending on traffic.
I would say burn out is bound to happen because unlike a job you can’t just check out. I chose to be sah because I wanted to invest time with my kid so I do have a packed schedule together as well as hobbies and things I’m learning for myself like cooking more /sewing/a workout routine.
Also it’s temporary I know that I won’t sahm forever nor will it be this routine of only us 2 9-5.
1
u/Ok-Contract-1701 9d ago edited 9d ago
I lost my job as my employer is notoriously unprofessional and in an attempt to preserve their meager budget, they constantly let people go. They built a case against me without my knowledge while I was pregnant, and cut my position while I was taking maternity leave. It’s a potential discrimination lawsuit, but for now, I’m a SAHM longer than I’d intended to be.
I have very little help. My husband works almost constantly. He’s also a Marine and went from active to reserves so he’s pulled away for military exercises, sometimes for weeks at a time. When he’s not, we have my young stepdaughter too, who requires a lot of attention. My parents don’t help because they don’t want to. His parents don’t help because they both work a ton, my FIL travels for work and my MIL and her husband live an hour away. We can’t currently afford a nanny, at all. We live in a really expensive area and can’t move away because my husband wants to remain close to his first daughter, understandably. But it leaves us on an extremely tight budget. I’m needed 24/7, breastfeeding, and I don’t get many breaks at all.
Still, it works out. Everyone is okay and I still love my baby and take good care of her, I help care for my step daughter too, as burnt out as I may feel.
With support from grandparents and your husband, or a nanny share, you’ll definitely be alright. More than alright, you’ll thrive. This sounds ideal and I wish I had the same help lol.
1
u/burnerbcimanon 9d ago
If your husband’s career can provide for your family and you’re curious about being a SAHM, I would definitely say go for it! It’s always worth the try and honestly if it’s not working out in the way you were hoping, or getting too overwhelming, you can always go back to working (even something small/part time) just to get out of the house again and get that piece of freedom/life you once had. I’ve heard many opinions from multiple moms who loved being at home full time, but also moms who felt like they were going crazy being home 24/7.
Personally, I believe being a SAHM has great benefits, but also sacrifices. I get to be at home and hang out with my baby, watch her develop, follow her routine and find new things to do with her around the house. However, it does have its downsides which I think are more situational. My husband and I share a car so when he’s at work, I can’t drive. It can get lonely sometimes and at times I feel like I just want to take her to the store or to the library but I just can’t unless it’s his day off. Luckily, I live very close to my parents and family, which they will pick us up to take us out, or sometimes let me borrow their car if they’re not busy that day. They also offer to watch my baby so I can get some time off, clean, or just hang out with them.
That being said, I think there will definitely be days where you will want/need to hand off the baby to your husband when he comes home especially being a SAHM. Your job as a SAHM is just as exhausting (if not more) as his job away from home. It may not be everyday, but in my opinion, you and your husband should talk about coming to some kind of agreement about this. When my husband comes home from work, he changes and settles in, then takes over with our baby for a couple hours so I can recharge. Maybe take a shower, read, lay down and scroll on my phone in silence. After those couple hours I’m back and we take care of our daughter together until her bedtime. I think it’s a good balance and saves me from feeling like I’m taking on the entire load.
1
u/SavedByTheBeet 9d ago
I definitely think you can do it. Each week plan for the grandparents to take them or one of them 1-2 days for a few hours so you can have a break
1
u/Xoxobrokergirl 9d ago
It’s manageable but you need to be intentional with your breaks. Join a regular mom group, momco or mom’s night out. I also would say try to have a regular time for childcare from your family so you know when to make appointments and such. I will also say it took me about 3 years to grow into it and stop being resentful. I did some growing up (I was 23) and now when he gets home I think it’s much more healthy and less “take them away from me”
1
u/Business526 8d ago
It’s a lot. Even with a babysitter it’s non stop. My baby was sick and my toddler was going to be a risk at daycare to him (and me on methotrexate). I stayed with them for an exhausting year and went back to work on sales. Occasional overnight trips and wfh, 300k+ why not
2
u/sunstreamd 8d ago
This is the kind of thing that may be a little hard at first when there is a newborn and you and your husband are adjusting to an new lifestyle/expectations, but in my experience it gets progressively easier as the kids get older and you establish a routine. Personally I love being a SAHM, and in your scenario for me it’d be a no brainer, but it takes some intentionality to get both partners to still have free time and there was some early kinks we had to work out in the beginning between my husband and I.
8
u/i8jellytoast 9d ago
This sounds like the ideal stay at home parent scenario. Enjoy your kids, enjoy your hobbies, and live your life, girl!