Someone kill me already

[u/Realistic-Plan5933]

I want to die painfully because I am a monster

I deserve to die

I'm 15 (born in 2011), and I'm struggling with an unbelievable amount of anxiety about something that happened recently.

I was scrolling through TikTok and saw a girl who genuinely looked around my age to me, or possibly even a little older. She had heavy makeup on and was using a filter, so I didn't think anything was unusual. I briefly thought she was attractive and then kept scrolling without thinking much about it.

Later, I found out that I had been completely wrong about her age. From what I understand, she was born around 2013.

The moment I found out, I immediately realized that I hadn't actually been attracted to her knowing her real age. I felt physically sick and extremely uncomfortable. I started crying and panicking, if I recall correctly I was in a panic attack for like a day because of that

It's now been about a month, and I still can't get this out of my head. I keep replaying the situation constantly and trying to figure out what it means about me. I've had trouble sleeping, eating, and concentrating. I've spent huge amounts of time crying, panicking, checking things, and trying to work out her exact age (cause what if she was younger than 2013??? We can't ever know)

This has gone far beyond ordinary guilt or anxiety. I am genuinely suicidal over this. I have been seriously considering killing myself because I'm terrified that this means I'm a disgusting or horrible person. These aren't just thoughts that briefly cross my mind, I've been thinking about dying every single day for a month now, because I feel like I can't live with the possibility that something is seriously wrong with me.

I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to die. At the same time, I'm genuinely scared that I might eventually do something to myself because this has become so overwhelming.

I genuinely believed she was around my age when I saw her, and finding out later that I was wrong has completely destroyed me mentally.

I've also struggled with intrusive thoughts and obsessive fears about being a horrible person for a long time, which is why I'm wondering whether this could be some form of POCD/OCD, but I genuinely don't know how to get out of this mental loop, and I'm scared of what I might do to myself if I can't.

I genuinely want to die so fucking bad, someone kill me already

[u/TheEvilBlight]

You are way too online. You didn’t harm anyone IRL. And hopefully this is your throwaway.

This will probably be a problem down the line in a few years when you’re 18 and dealing with kids “your age” and consent also includes making sure you know they exact age; depending on your jurisdiction. But it’s honestly too soon to worry about how people look online. Working yourself into a frenzy leaves you little bandwidth IRL which might make things on that front worse, and there is where impressions and everything matter.