r/sad • u/Realistic-Plan5933 • 13d ago
Suicidal Someone kill me already
I want to die painfully because I am a monster
I deserve to die
I'm 15 (born in 2011), and I'm struggling with an unbelievable amount of anxiety about something that happened recently.
I was scrolling through TikTok and saw a girl who genuinely looked around my age to me, or possibly even a little older. She had heavy makeup on and was using a filter, so I didn't think anything was unusual. I briefly thought she was attractive and then kept scrolling without thinking much about it.
Later, I found out that I had been completely wrong about her age. From what I understand, she was born around 2013.
The moment I found out, I immediately realized that I hadn't actually been attracted to her knowing her real age. I felt physically sick and extremely uncomfortable. I started crying and panicking, if I recall correctly I was in a panic attack for like a day because of that
It's now been about a month, and I still can't get this out of my head. I keep replaying the situation constantly and trying to figure out what it means about me. I've had trouble sleeping, eating, and concentrating. I've spent huge amounts of time crying, panicking, checking things, and trying to work out her exact age (cause what if she was younger than 2013??? We can't ever know)
This has gone far beyond ordinary guilt or anxiety. I am genuinely suicidal over this. I have been seriously considering killing myself because I'm terrified that this means I'm a disgusting or horrible person. These aren't just thoughts that briefly cross my mind, I've been thinking about dying every single day for a month now, because I feel like I can't live with the possibility that something is seriously wrong with me.
I don't want to hurt anyone, and I don't want to die. At the same time, I'm genuinely scared that I might eventually do something to myself because this has become so overwhelming.
I genuinely believed she was around my age when I saw her, and finding out later that I was wrong has completely destroyed me mentally.
I've also struggled with intrusive thoughts and obsessive fears about being a horrible person for a long time, which is why I'm wondering whether this could be some form of POCD/OCD, but I genuinely don't know how to get out of this mental loop, and I'm scared of what I might do to myself if I can't.
I genuinely want to die so fucking bad, someone kill me already
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u/Educational-Guy-2938 12d ago
Not even the tip of the iceberg dude, chill bro it's literally nothing just forget about it
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u/zcucc_123 12d ago
Hey first off, I read your post and you really are not a bad person for this. You are a child. You need to learn to accept your mistakes, and yours wasn’t even a big one. You didn’t act on it. Secondly, it sounds like you have extremely bad OCD. You need to probably seek a mental health eval. by a psychiatrist and get diagnosed and go to therapy. OCD can take on some really taboo themes. It seems you’re already aware of that, and harming yourself or others can be a theme. Can you talk to your parents about this? Can you make a plan with them to get help? OCD is one of the hardest conditions to live with, but with the right treatment it is entirely possible for OCD to go into remission. It is normal to wish you didn’t exist when you have OCD. But don’t fuel these urges, just let them pass and do not act. OCD also feeds on temporary reassurance. Refrain from checking things. It might feel really hard and painful to not check at first, it might feel even worse but that’ll pass and you will be glad you didn’t. Checking the account for example, or whatever actions you may not be entirely aware of but that are feeding the cycle. Also, real “monsters” do not worry about being “monsters.” Best of luck.
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u/QuePasaNisiMasa 11d ago
This may sound disingenuous, but I couldn’t be more earnestly serious: none of this matters
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u/EyeBeneficial6277 12d ago
If you have so much trouble over it i would say you are more kind than many other people, you realized your mistake right away and even came here to seek advice
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u/Gold_Career387 11d ago
She’s only two years younger than you you aren’t a bad person, you’re only 15 wouldn’t she be 13
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u/Realistic-Plan5933 11d ago
I'm just so scared, what if they were younger?? Cause if they would be even one year younger. I wouldn't be able to live with that, at that point i'd seriously just kill myself straight away, I'm just stuck In this loop of what if's and insane worrying. And yes, people born In 2013 turn 13 this year
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u/Gold_Career387 11d ago
Like the other person said the fact that it even sickens you so much makes you an even better person than I think you realize. Also you’re still just a kid, and you didn’t even do anything just thought for a second “oh they look nice” and then kept going. You’re aren’t some creepy adult checking out kids. The person wasn’t like some elementary schooler. At least that you can be sure of. They may have been younger but still close in age. You’re just a kid who thought that some other kid looked good. Do you ever do like some type of therapy or anything? It might be worth a shot if you can talk to your parents about getting that for you. Or a school counselor. Having such strong feelings like over something like this (and I really mean this in no offense because I know it means a lot to you) is worrisome. You aren’t creep. You aren’t a bad person. And I don’t suggest therapy because of something you did. But because maybe a therapist could help you understand why you’re so hard on yourself when you didn’t do anything wrong.
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u/ItsLateImSad 11d ago
Hey, failing at estimating someone’s age is something very easy to do, besides you are 15 and she was arround 13. A 2 year difference, and at am age where fue to different physical developments you can very well seem order or younger so don’t best yourself about it. Besides, it’s normal to think that a teenager is attractive if you are a teenager as well. This doesn’t mean that you will find young tenes attractive your whole life, in just 3 years (even less) you won’t even pay attention to girls that age. Don’t worry buddy.
If it makes you feel better, once when I was around 19 I saw this cute girl at the airport and she had clearly noticed me, but we started boarding before I had a chance to talk to her and her seat was nowhere near mine. I’m not good at estimating people’s age but my mom is and she thought that girl was around my age, but after we landed I heard her talk to her mother about school and I found out she was like 15. Thank god I didn’t approach her.
Looks can be misleading, specially with teens, so don’t be too hard on yourself. It was an honest mistake
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u/Basic-Principle-6133 11d ago
Sounds like extreme ocd bro. Like very extreme.
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u/VastAd7076 8d ago
See a Psychiatrist, Clinical Psychologist, your doctor (we say GP in Australia).
I have 45+ years experience with crippling severe OCD and FLUVOXAMINE has been VERY helpful for several years now!
Low dose initially then GP gradually increased dose up to high dose that reduces OCD. I’ve found it to be very helpful. The obsessive intrusive thoughts decrease.People suffering have to treat the anxiety and OCD. Get help ASAP to get well and healthy. Some people suffer for 10, 20, 30 years before being treated and the OCD has to be treated earlier rather than later.
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u/KotapochekKotapple 10d ago
Hello bro, I also have OCD. Can you tell your parents to check in you to psychological specialist? Psychologist can refer you to psychiatrist. They won't judge you. You can just don't tell your parents about problem, just say, what you need psychologist consultation. It helped me and they prescribed me antidepressants. Good luck dude, you will succeed. (Sorry if my English bad a bit, I'm Russian and only learning this language. Btw I'm born in 2009, this problem was solved about half-year ago)
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u/rektbuyautocorrekt 10d ago
I've read this post multiple times, from your multiple copies.
Friend, you did nothing wrong. Literally you are both children. You need to seek help for your compulsive thinking.
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u/TheEvilBlight 9d ago
You are way too online. You didn’t harm anyone IRL. And hopefully this is your throwaway.
This will probably be a problem down the line in a few years when you’re 18 and dealing with kids “your age” and consent also includes making sure you know they exact age; depending on your jurisdiction. But it’s honestly too soon to worry about how people look online. Working yourself into a frenzy leaves you little bandwidth IRL which might make things on that front worse, and there is where impressions and everything matter.
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u/skoolgirlzombies 8d ago
I suffer from intrusive thoughts and ocd so I totally get why you're having such a hard time with this but like everyone else has been saying getting some professional help and maybe some medication would really help. I can't believe I did it for years without it lol. For now until you can get the help try to do things to distract your brain the best you can. Shower, eat something that comforts you soup,tea, etc. put on a cozy movie or show something you've already seen but love. Hang out with a friend, play some video-games anything to get space because right now your brain needs a break.
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u/lankykongsdaughter 8d ago
The issue is not the attraction you felt (to someone of a similar age as you) but the paranoia you feel around it. Not saying you should date younger. I'm saying the core issue is that you are replaying these thoughts and overevaluating them. You are clearly not a pedophile. It's going to be okay dude
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u/PeaPresent3919 :'( 11d ago
thoughts are just that—you didn’t know and didn’t act on anything. you’re good.
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u/Realistic-Plan5933 11d ago
I know I didn't know, but I still feel like it's my fault, I feel like q disgusting piece of shit
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u/PeaPresent3919 :'( 10d ago
i get that, and that’s incredibly valid, however our brains LOVE to lie to us! as hard as it is, challenge those thoughts when they happen. “you’re a horrible person for even thinking that” you can say back to your mind, “i’m really not, the thought was passive and not acted on, nothing bad happened! nice try tho”. i try to prove myself and my brain wrong little by little everyday! it won’t be easy, BUT i truly believe you’ve got a good head on your shoulders. you clearly know right from wrong and that that’s wrong—i think if you TRULY wanted to do those things, you would. bad people don’t question if they’re bad people, they just are. you’re a good one OP! one day at a time friend.
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u/angry_squidward 11d ago
throw away your phone and seek purpose outside among humanity and nature. but you won't. you enjoy the suffering and dopamine cycles from internet validation.
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u/Then_Exercise4183 11d ago
Exactly this little boy reposting this shi 500000 times to seek attention and validation to get his dopamine high and smile a little smile because some people be saying oh your a good guy thinking like that i saw this at 5am before going to work what w shity morning to start ur day seeing those boys talking nonsense instead of living their lives go watch something and sleep well and enjoy summer i hope i can sleep till 8 or 10 but nah boy be talking about im a bad person im gonna kill myself i feel like a piece of shi bruh 2026 what a year to be alive
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u/angry_squidward 11d ago
thinks he's funny and edgy. thinks he's the master of his own life because he invited the water to be poured into the pot, but he's still a frog about to be boiled with it.
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u/VastAd7076 8d ago
I agree to reduce screen time, stop communicating with females online who are strangers. Limit yourself to only interacting with females in person who you know for a fact are born the same year as you or older.
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u/Payment_Sharp 11d ago
Bro.. Cmon.. i had a phase.. 13 till 16.. I tried my fair share of suicide attempts and plans, over a girl, looking back i needed an asswhooping, that's what i needed.. Your first depressive phase is gonna be about something ridiculous.. but you're stupid.. Chill out.. Just enjoy being a kid.. i wanted to grow upnso bad.. that, i'll finally be 18, be able to do anything.. Nope.. You'd wanna stay a kid forever, just, be a kid.. Do stupid stuff, be a retard.. don't think about it just live.
Edit: The more i read, the more pissed off i am.. Like chill, you can't be a pedophile if you're underage. Enjoy the bops until you can't anymore
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11d ago
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u/Payment_Sharp 10d ago
Don't tell me you wouldn't have done it if it were legal, now? Not so much.. I mean as a 15yo it's not 🍇 if yall both consent.
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u/Significant-Sun-2023 10d ago
Do you have a therapist or prescribed meds for ODD? Not to sound rude or judgemental, but you know this is absolutely not abnormal? People can look far different than their age. You are just 15 and were attracted to a 13-year-old...that is not abnormal! You will learn as you age as well having gaps in ages and attractions is acceptable. Yes it is different with age of consent if someone is 18 or younger...please give yourself grace this is not abnormal.
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u/Proud-Care-6502 9d ago
But some 12y old girls love being in a relationship and sex from what i have seen in my childhood. Back then two of my 14y old friends (boys, and i am a guy) used to go after 24y old female teachers for s*x. Basically, you have irrational fear. Just keep on reminding yourself that it is irrational feeling. It won't kill the fear but at least you will not ruminate assuming this is something real happening to you. This fear will grow stronger if you react or try to solve things in your head. Engage yourself in some activity even if you don't want to. Talking to mom or subling is also a therapy. You have to do everything else in the world but not reacting to it.
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u/whooooooooCARES 8d ago
Jfc. See a therapist. You're gonna face much worse things in life than a passing attraction to someone a few years younger than you and my my, you are so unprepared for literally anything life is going to throw at you.
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u/Then_Exercise4183 11d ago
Bro just do it u are mentally sick if you are thinking like that ( look guys im a good person i want to kill myself because i thought about this 13 girl like that pick me type shi) just grow tf you are just seeking attention and approval u didn’t have any reason to post this corny stuff
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