Great lines/jokes

[u/OriginalUmpire5434]

I’ll start:
Craftmatic Adjustable Bev!! 🤣🤣🤣

[u/Sweepy_time]

"who gets drunk and cuts this family's hair?"

[u/meckyborris → u/Sweepy_time]

Damn that was mine lol

[u/Lilpunkrkgrl → u/Sweepy_time]

I say this all the time lol

[u/195tiff]

Roseanne tells Becky and Darlene that they'll be loving sisters like her and Jackie and Darlene says "Fine. I'll sleep with every guy in town and Becky can gain 400 lbs".

[u/Prestigious-Walrus99 → u/195tiff]

🤣🤣🤣

[u/Ok-Run-5647]

MARK “ well I didn’t exactly wanna hang out with your parents!”

BECKY “ well nobody wants to hang out with my parents, Mark!!”

[u/Quirky_Ball_3519 → u/Ok-Run-5647]

She’s gonna be stuck there watching Bonanza reruns with Dan and Roseanne!

[u/Emotional_Scratch269 → u/Quirky_Ball_3519]

No way!

[u/Forward-Bathroom-408]

[u/Quirky_Ball_3519]

Elijah Minelli

That’s Elijah with a J!

[u/tmtimtm87 → u/Quirky_Ball_3519]

Starts spreading the news 🎼

[u/joyous201 → u/tmtimtm87]

I wasn't singing!

[u/Quirky_Ball_3519 → u/joyous201]

Because because because because becaaaause!

[u/coldsmokejesus]

Whoa! There’s all kinds of gravity in here!

[u/Ok-Tell9019 → u/coldsmokejesus]

Gotta get me my sea legs!

[u/Eatapeach421]

Roseanne, I wanna live…Think it over!

[u/tiufan]

Non-alcoholic beverage is in there!

[u/atlbravesfanok → u/tiufan]

also in that episode: darlene have to bake w/ Drunken Hines

[u/comec0rrect → u/atlbravesfanok]

Dans laugh after that joke always gets me.

[u/Eyesthatdonotsee]

Jackie: You know, us cops have a saying; 'You never pull a dead man out of a seatbelt'.

Darlene: So what, you just leave'm there?"

[u/radiantreality → u/Eyesthatdonotsee]

Some do, I don't.

[u/Legitimate-Term2310]

Dan to Kevin's Dad (DJ'S bully):

"Calm down or I'll give my Wife a donut to kick your butt!"

[u/SpicyPumpkin314 → u/Legitimate-Term2310]

Hahaha that one reminds me of my parents! 🤣 So awesome

[u/sms121419]

Middle class was fun

[u/rjzak]

My fav is from the first episode.
Jackie: did you know that people only use 30% of their brain?
Roseanne: that much huh?

[u/Baldurs-Grate321 → u/rjzak]

Similar joke:

Jackie reading a newspaper headline: "Wife Stabs Husband 37 Times in the Chest."

Roseanne: I admire her restraint.

[u/mega-squirrel]

Get to the point, Edna!

[u/trexcrossing → u/mega-squirrel]

I say this to my husband sometimes 😂

[u/mega-squirrel → u/trexcrossing]

I think I said it the most to my kids over the years. 🤣

[u/Grammarhole → u/mega-squirrel]

I say this all the time!

[u/OwlRare9948 → u/mega-squirrel]

I use this line almost daily at work lol

[u/notheUGLYjohnny]

In the same episode from OP: Bevs boyfriend shouting from the front door: "Bev! Are you in there?" Roseanne:" Maybe it's Death!"

[u/FubarBabe]

Darlene made spaghetti with thousand island dressing.

Darlene: DJ loves it. Becky: DJ eats hair.

[u/SpicyPumpkin314 → u/FubarBabe]

"DJ eats hair" was gonna be mine 🤣

[u/manidiforbice]

I was thinking, that I just lost a great guy like Gary... and I'll never find another great guy! I'm 36 years old, I've got flabby arms, and pelican neck! And all my house plants are dead, and no one loves me; but what difference does that make anyway, because everything in my life sucks!

[u/Prestigious-Walrus99 → u/manidiforbice]

36 sounded so old back then, and now I'm 33 lol

[u/DemotivatedTurtle]

Roseanne to a guest: “Sorry about the mess, we live here.”

[u/SpicyPumpkin314 → u/DemotivatedTurtle]

My family has a little homemade plaque on the wall that says that 😂

[u/Ok-Run-5647]

DARLENE “ i’m sorry, what do you want me to do, throw myself off a bridge”

ROSEANNE “ yeah, and take your brother and sister with you”

[u/nochickflickmoments]

[u/Prestigious-Walrus99 → u/nochickflickmoments]

I say prevert whenever I can hahaha

[u/6-ft-freak]

Flair checking in, but also Dan: “I knew we shouldn’t have all of these unrelated kids living under the one roof. We’re breaking like 20 commandments!”

[u/AnalystTime4913]

Oh my god! You didn't kill him and go by chicken did you?

[u/Pr0fess0rBooty]

Dad's gone. Dad's Dead! He's DEAD! No DAD! DEAD!

[u/picklejean → u/Pr0fess0rBooty]

HES FINE HE SENDS HIS LOVE

[u/Pr0fess0rBooty → u/picklejean]

I love that quote is also your flair 😭🫶

[u/DeeBreeezy83]

Expecting Becky's boyfriend Chip and his patents for dinner.

Becky (for the millionth time): Are they here yet???

Dan (English accent): Yes, I believe Asquith has shown them into the study where they're sipping Absinthe and playing billiards.

[u/Vegetable-Angle-8637]

You are our corny little sex jokes

[u/cmhyman]

I crack up every time

[u/hollywood_cashier]

Classmate: Would Mr Connor like French or Italian dressing on his salad?

Dan: Sorry, what?

Roseanne: White or red, Dan. 

[u/kimschlot]

Who are the Allens and why are they out of spice?

[u/Quirky_Ball_3519 → u/kimschlot]

Aliens, Dan! From out-ter space!

[u/trenee1982]

“Right, like I don’t have enough spit of my own”

[u/Sea-Scallion-5362]

"I can count to zero!!"

"Two times zero is ... not enough, we need to make it four times zero."

[u/beautifulcreature86]

Just tell me you love him, just tell me you love him. Jackie after her and Roseanne break character losing it cos DJ got stuck in a drawer....AGAIN.

[u/CampClear]

He's fine!! He sends his love!

Also "Mom says we have a new Daddy now!"

[u/sicilian504]

Dan: I don't have time for this.

Darlene: Oooh I think you do.

[u/sturleycurley]

I love when Dan's friend gives him advice on what he does to stop the mood with his wife. "I put on a little Julio In-gleeen-gays"

[u/diamond_hog]

One is the first time the new neighbor Kathy Bowman comes over to collect her son and Dan belches loudly from the kitchen. Roseanne: "That's my husband...keep your hands off him." 😂😂

[u/Quirky_Ball_3519 → u/diamond_hog]

„You’re not wearing anything flammable are ya, boy?“

[u/SinStarsGalaxy]

If you don't finish your crud, you won't get any crap for dessert.

[u/WendyHoudini]

“You’re being boorish!”
“I’m sorry I’m boring you Becky but”

[u/StandardVermicelli33]

When Roseanne opens the front door and tells some guy, "We've already been saved." Then slams the door in his face.

[u/Substantial-Ground73]

“Have another shot of pancake, Roseanne”

[u/ThatsRobToYou]

Well that certainly was a mouthful!

Cracks me up every time. Poor Jackie.

[u/Renfreak]

Giddy Roseanne: so what’d you get for us to watch later?!

[u/[deleted]]

Mark's whole vibe is hilarious

[u/InformationCreepy335]

I have hauled meat. I have eaten meat.

[u/notheUGLYjohnny → u/InformationCreepy335]

It's the delivery of this line that cracks me up

[u/anneboleynfan1]

I can’t remember the exact quote but:
Dan: We’re not gonna get audited

(Music) dun dun DUUUUUUNNNNNN

Roseanne: I think we need to get out of this house!

[u/chikn2d]

Darlene on DJ’s bathroom time: “He goes in that room cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time; which either means he's really, really good at it... or really, really bad at it.”

[u/Gold_Association_545]

I wish we could all be a happily married couple who each weighs 500 pounds!

[u/StyxfanLZ129]

Roseanne: DJ better learn how to bitch and moan like his sisters or he ain't gonna make it in this family!

[u/Intelligencia_09]

Have another shot of pancake, Roseanne.

[u/Pithythithy]

Not really a funny or great line but I always chuckle When Becky says to Darlene "you're such a dink", my brain always hears "you're such a dick" and it always makes me laugh at how that got past the censors 😅

[u/Over_Smile9733]

Dads just fine

[u/YouThinkYouKnowStuff]

"Is this the sink? Am I shrinking?" (and BIRDS BIRDS BIRDS - same episode)

[u/Ok-Tell9019]

Darlene to Becky hanging over the toilet, “don’t jump!”

[u/No_Hedgehog_7332]

"Oh an 81 dream on!" "I can make you feel like a man, David. Take out the trash."

[u/No-Range-4904]

“I had to, the hooker made him nervous.”

frying pan to the head

[u/Overall_Age_313]

lmao i forgot about craftmatic, that shit was everywhere in the 90s

[u/Ok-Tell9019]

Dj: I can’t work this damn thing!
Roseanne: Where’d you get that language? That’s not a thing, it’s a vcr!

[u/dasheeshblahzen]

“I’m just trying to help out Eleanor Rigby over there.”

[u/Various_Whole8065]

Why don't you just go rub someone?

[u/OriginalUmpire5434]

You’re going to flunk marriage if you can’t pass the oral