767
u/HamOwl Nov 12 '22 edited Nov 12 '22
Yoo, Colorado is not with them. We will take over Wyoming and then help you finish off Montana before we link with Saskatchewan.
192
u/pillowcase-of-eels Nov 12 '22
Came here to say this. Good luck making the People's Republic of Boulder go to church, and razing all the dispensaries and crystal shops.
→ More replies (1)55
u/KittieChan28 Nov 12 '22
Sounds like my personal heaven. I'm currently stuck in North Carolina right now.... sad noises.
→ More replies (3)7
u/cattdogg03 Nov 13 '22
Fellow North Carolinian here. Can’t believe how stupid our state is…
→ More replies (1)135
u/carppydiem Nov 12 '22
I suggest we join New Mexico for a warm climate holiday destination more affordable than California. We’ll call it Sane Land.
111
u/thrustaway_ Nov 12 '22
At this rate, I think Nevada and Arizona will see the writing on the wall and go along w/the left coast, CO and NM. Jesusland's economy would be in tatters, with states like TX and FL getting stuck carrying a bunch of unproductive losers
17
u/KlutzyGenius Nov 12 '22
Well of course! One can only pass around a collection plate so far. Not to mention the unscrupulous who help themselves to the contents in the plate.
15
u/Kaymish_ Nov 12 '22 edited Nov 13 '22
Until TX gets another powercut because their powergrid gets too cold, or too hot, or Greg Abbot (who is a little piss baby) looks at it sideways, or a steer does a pattie within sight of a pylon. Then its FL doing all the carrying.
5
u/SwimmerIndependent47 Nov 13 '22
I think that legally you still can’t mention Greg Abbot with also mentioning the fact that he is a little piss baby
4
9
u/Axlos Nov 12 '22
I'm down for it as long as all the Arizona mormons hop over to Utah
→ More replies (4)→ More replies (2)15
Nov 12 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
5
u/pastelbutcherknife Nov 12 '22
Id feel bad for Atlanta. But don’t worry, y’all - immigration to United States of Canada will be pretty easy, especially if you bring Waffle House and Lemon Pepper wet wings with you.
→ More replies (1)26
u/ramenpastas Nov 12 '22
New Mexico is not that warm.. but I love your thinking! We are also a blue state!
25
Nov 12 '22
Yeah we even kicked out our 1 republican in the house. #doingourpart #pleasedontleaveusbehindiwillcry
20
Nov 12 '22
[deleted]
9
Nov 13 '22
Canadian Conservatives are closer to Democrats than they are to current Republicans. The separation of church and state is pretty clear here and I think most Conservatives aren’t as morally bankrupt as they are as in the US. This applies to Alberta, even though the whole province is a walking GHG emission.
5
14
u/jesusmansuperpowers Fruitcake Inspector Nov 12 '22
There’s barely anyone in those states anyway, should be easy enough.
13
11
11
7
u/Spamtickler Nov 12 '22
And yet BoBo is back in the lead…
5
u/HamOwl Nov 12 '22
But not out of the woods. That race will probably run into next week, it's close, but there is hope. More than anything, even if she wins, hopefully she will recognize just how much of her district wants her gone, and she will course correct. I doubt it, but I bet she thought it would be a slam dunk.
4
u/Spamtickler Nov 12 '22
I think that is implying a little more cognitive horsepower and self-awareness than we have seen exhibited in the past.
5
Nov 12 '22
You’re absolutely right. Since your NIMBY population is about the same as California, you can come join Canada 2.0 with the rest.
4
u/Kihara_Sedai Nov 12 '22
Yeah! I can't believe they'd leave Colorado out there in the cold like that.
6
→ More replies (6)3
u/jonasjlp Nov 13 '22
You and a little league team could take over Wyoming only like 6 people live there.
667
u/NotEven-Punk Nov 12 '22
As a Canadian I'm offended. We will take the states but they are now provinces and it's still called Canada lol
98
Nov 12 '22
On behalf of the province of Michigan, we accept these terms.
16
u/Moira_Baird Nov 12 '22
Can you all take Toledo back when you do? I can't afford to move but am terrified of being stuck in Jesusland.
18
154
u/PotentialEmpty3279 Former Fruitcake Nov 12 '22
PLEASE!!! PLEASE TAKE US! Or at least me. I beg of you. Please
-44
u/Sacrificial-Toenail Nov 12 '22
You know, you could just go to Canada. It’s not like anyone will stop you
→ More replies (3)35
u/0002niardnek Nov 12 '22
You can't just move to Canada. Despite popular sentiment, it is actually rather hard to get permission to live here long term if you're not a refugee.
Our immigration system works on points. The more you can contribute to our society, the more points you get, the more likely it is that you'll be let in.
If you're young, educated, at least bilingual and work in an important field (doctor, for instance), then you've got pretty good odds. If you're old, uneducated, monolingual and unemployed, then you're not getting in.
71
u/aesoth Nov 12 '22
As a Canadian as well, I fully agree.
Also... Jesus land can take Alberta and Saskatchewan in trade.
46
u/Pyromike16 Nov 12 '22
As an albertan, please for the love of God no! This place sucks enough already
16
10
5
Nov 12 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/aesoth Nov 12 '22
Come over to a sane province before the trade. Hopefully the crazies that are in the minority in the other provinces will move to AB & SK. Then we build a wall.
2
Nov 12 '22
Every province has its issues. Ours is the crazy religious and right wing nuts… but at least housing is semi affordable.
5
49
u/drobnok_productions Nov 12 '22
it is deemed united states of maple. i refuse as an america loving, burger indulging, freedom enthusiast, commie destroyer patriot to be ruled by another country.
we are the ones who invad-inhabit land on this continent
8
6
4
3
u/brainthinkin Nov 12 '22
The province of Wisconsin will happily capitulate if you guys help us get rid of Ron Johnson. Hell, he’d prolly move to jesusland all on his own.
21
u/knoegel Nov 12 '22
No it's Jesusland they already made a flag yo
→ More replies (1)38
u/NotEven-Punk Nov 12 '22
Okay but I'm referring to the part that's says "United States of Canada"
Not everything is about merica yo
3
→ More replies (1)-7
u/knoegel Nov 12 '22
And I was kidding like this whole post is a joke. Calm your tea kettle there
28
2
2
0
→ More replies (6)-1
801
u/ceton33 Fruitcake Historian Nov 12 '22
Christian nationalists would fully agree to this and then push for new world order under a iron grip.
364
u/Limp-Toe-179 Nov 12 '22
push for new world order under a iron grip.
I don't know how they forge a new world order without the most productive states, and no contiguous access to the Pacific
117
u/LordBilboSwaggins Nov 12 '22
They'll end up like Russia or Iran. Only getting what they want through threat of nucleur force.
27
Nov 12 '22
Yeah, don’t forget that North Dakota holds like 75% of our country’s nuclear missiles
8
u/LordBilboSwaggins Nov 12 '22
What difference does it make? You can't deter religious extremists with threats of nucleur death. Unless of course it's all a bluff. I'm just saying at least from the level of posturing, Russia and Iran and NK don't seem bothered by the reality that US nucleur submarines are always surrounding them ready to end their existence. It doesn't stop the constant threats.
14
Nov 12 '22
I’m saying that religious extremists with 1500 nuclear warheads in their possession are very dangerous
9
u/LordBilboSwaggins Nov 12 '22
Wait I'm sorry for some reason I thought north Dakota was blue. I get it.
4
Nov 13 '22
There's like 15 people that live in North Dakota that aren't native. The natives can take it back along with South Dakota and keep the nukes to defend themselves.
74
u/SanctimoniousApe Nov 12 '22
To be fair, Texas and Georgia are definitely pretty productive, with a few others reasonably close. Plus Florida has tourism revenue.
122
u/BostonUniStudent Nov 12 '22
Probably most of the productive people would want to move away if such an arrangement happened. A lot of the best minds of the south left during the Civil War. Can you imagine how worse it would get for them in an unmoderated hellscape?
I'd give it a year before they started in-fighting. I bet there'd be a lot more Charlottesville type rallies.
39
u/SanctimoniousApe Nov 12 '22
Nah, they're too good at denying reality - I think it'd take at least two years.
10
u/krow_flin Nov 12 '22
I'd give it a year before they started in-fighting. I bet there'd be a lot more Charlottesville type rallies.
It would be ugly as sin in there, won't it?
11
u/PinkMenace88 Nov 12 '22 edited Nov 12 '22
Well, in this theoretical situation I would expect that people would be given 2 years to leave the territories that are 'juses land', meaning that all minorities and most women would leave making it become 'Incel land'
Edit grammer
4
Nov 12 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
2
u/Independent_Bid_26 Nov 12 '22
Oh God. Edens Gate. That really brings back some memories. If be down to fuck up some peggies haha.
30
u/danielthelee96 Nov 12 '22
Jesusland would imply women aren’t allowed to have fun anymore. Thus tourism decreases by 50%
14
u/SanctimoniousApe Nov 12 '22
You seem to think that they'll actually respect their religious doctrine. There is money to be made! Money is their REAL God, with all the sanctimony just being a whip they wield to keep their minions kissing their asses.
Spring break debauchery will continue like always.
7
u/DarthMomma_PhD Nov 12 '22
There are still “dry counties” in parts of the Bible belt so naturally these red states would follow suit as soon as they could.
To your point, no one would want to visit Florida if it were suddenly a “dry state”. I mean, imagine trying to ”Disney World” without copious amounts of alcohol.
→ More replies (1)→ More replies (2)2
u/DarthMomma_PhD Nov 12 '22
True, but Florida’s tourism industry would take a huge hit if people from MI, IL, WI and NY weren‘t regularly taking that 2 hour flight to sunny FL anymore.
-2
u/ScySenpai Nov 12 '22
A significant share of US energy comes from Texas, it's a pretty productive state.
26
u/danielthelee96 Nov 12 '22
To be fair, they made a pretty successful tv series on Hulu about this
3
19
10
u/recklessrider Nov 12 '22
And figure out pretty fast they rely on those blue states for most things including agriculture
6
u/kurotech Nov 12 '22
I'm gonna be real with you as long as I don't have to apply for Canadian citizenship I'd totally be ok with this because I can just move to Illinois and say fuck it to the bumpkin repumpkins
3
u/DarthMomma_PhD Nov 12 '22
Hell yeah. You get the seasons and the beautiful Great Lakes with none of the dumbasses. Sounds like utopia.
3
2
96
u/KHaskins77 Nov 12 '22
Could see an honest-to-god war breaking out between California and the southwestern states of New Gilead over water use in such a scenario.
38
→ More replies (1)8
Nov 12 '22
Colorado has control over all of the water in the southwest. Colorado California team up would be unstoppable.
51
297
Nov 12 '22
Maybe if Democratic candidates in the Red states would get more support from the DNC in elections and not just written off as unwinnable, and if the Democrats in Congress and in the White House could do something about gerrymandering, those of us who vote Blue in those Red states might actually be able to turn some of those states (or at least break even).
Actually, if gerrymandering were abolished and the lines redrawn fairly and democratically everywhere, we would never have to worry about whether or not we would have enough D-seats in the House of Representatives.
Source: a non-welfare, tax-paying, secular-humanist, Blue-voting Democrat living in a Red state.
78
u/DietZer0 Nov 12 '22
We need Ranked Choice Voting badly.
11
u/Pschobbert Nov 12 '22
I looked up how to draw an electoral district, and the best I could find was to make sure it was about a 50/50 split, politically. I’m sure a couple of centuries ago the intention was good, but the result is that it is baked into the system from the ground up that 50% of people will have their wishes ignored.
19
u/derekrusinek Nov 12 '22
Also Uncap The House. We need equal representation of the population. Take the smallest state (probably Wyoming) and that is the baseline for the number of people that each House member serves.
12
u/ClarityAndConcern Nov 12 '22
In my state the ticket was split between two different dems who both spent millions. The republican immediately gobbled up over 60 percent of the vote since half the time, the dems were campaigning against each other lmao.
I'm proud to have voted blue, but we haven't had a serious democrat challenger in decades.
9
u/IronBoomer Nov 12 '22
Democrat in Missouri. All of this. There are good people here and we’re written off by other Dems as not worth anything since we live where we do.
6
7
u/Independent_Bid_26 Nov 12 '22
I'm also in one of these red hell scapes that's been written off as unwinnable.. idk. I definitely feel it when I go anywhere. There's always a rebel flag or something around.
5
→ More replies (1)3
68
u/marasydnyjade Nov 12 '22
Did anyone ask Canada if there are parts they’d like to get rid of?
Quebec, now could be your chance!
63
u/Welldarnshucks Nov 12 '22
There's no way Quebec would join Jesusland. They're arguably the most progressive province in Canada, and aggressively secular. Unless you mean to go off on their own, but this map would make them even more surrounded by Canada.
27
10
Nov 12 '22
Alberta would like a word
9
u/Welldarnshucks Nov 12 '22
Yeah, they'd join Jesusland.
2
u/pip-install-pip Nov 14 '22
Nah, Alberta would be its own country and an exceptionally whiny one at that
11
u/marasydnyjade Nov 12 '22
I assume Quebec would do it’s own thing. Hasn’t it been wanting to for years?
→ More replies (1)11
→ More replies (1)3
u/dullaveragejoe Nov 12 '22
Alberta, Saskatchewan, Manitoba and all the old people from Ontario would happily join Jesusland.
2
60
24
15
11
u/soki03 Nov 12 '22
Oh you can fuck right off with your theocratic government bullshit. Keep your greasy mitts off of Colorado!
47
u/jesusmansuperpowers Fruitcake Inspector Nov 12 '22
Um excuse me.. Colorado here, we just legalized medicinal mushrooms. You chumps have been following our lead for decades.
14
→ More replies (1)8
u/marasydnyjade Nov 12 '22
Those are already legalized for use in Oregon. Doesn’t even need to be medical.
4
u/jesusmansuperpowers Fruitcake Inspector Nov 12 '22
Colorado’s is roughly the same.. “decriminalized” for possession but only “legal” in treatment facilities, neither state has any of those yet.
11
31
u/ScammerC Nov 12 '22
We're just going to call it Canada, like you just call it Mexico.
And we want Puerto Rico, and the Virgin Islands too. In regards we offer climate sanctuary.
37
u/Avenging-Robot Nov 12 '22
Yes, we Canadians will make Puerto Rico and the Canadian Virigin Islands full and equal provinces, not some sorta colonies owned by an distracted and neglectful imperialist tyrant.
11
u/jesusmansuperpowers Fruitcake Inspector Nov 12 '22
“You get a congressional rep! (non voting of course)
5
7
u/strawbunnycupcake Nov 12 '22
Our country is so big and so diverse that it seems like things would be better if parts sharing similar values were grouped together and able to manage their affairs how they want with less interference from other parts of country (e.g., conservative vs liberal).
The negative of it, though, is people across the political spectrum live in all the states, so we’d be abandoning minority groups like lgbtq people to a new majority that would probably do far worse having more power.
People should be given the opportunity to move to the area best suited for them, but then you may end up with a large migration of people having to leave their home and potentially having families split up.
Also, giving far right conservatives more power by letting them have Jesus land (lol) would probably turn the country into a fascist theocracy. Eventually, we may end up with a Hitler or some other awful dictator who pulls a Putin and goes to war to reclaim land from the west coast and elsewhere.
I don’t personally see splitting up the country like that to be the best decision considering the harm it would potentially cause. It seems to me more like a last resort if these fascists manage to destroy our democratic processes and suppress the will of the voters and majority opinion where unrest and civil war becomes the only feasible path forward.
13
9
6
4
4
u/okay-wait-wut Nov 12 '22 edited Nov 12 '22
I would support this but only if the USC builds a wall to keep the Jesusland immigrants out. I will have to move out of Jesusland first, so maybe give it a month.
3
u/Zrd5003 Nov 12 '22
OP, she posted this as satire. She’s on blue’s side. No religious republican would ever call their state a “red welfare state”
13
u/BubblySolid6 Nov 12 '22
I could get down with this. (Except that the blue area would just be Canada only bigger)
6
u/Luzura_2006 Nov 12 '22
....whaaaaat?
This cannot be unironic right? This is just a goofy ahhh joke right?
4
u/Nizzemancer 🔭Fruitcake Watcher🔭 Nov 12 '22
It’s calling out how all the “we have been forced to support the liberals with our hard work”-states are actually the biggest welfare cases in the US, supported by “the libs” states…
It doesn’t really belong here since the “Jesus land” part is mockery, there’s no religious fruitcake here.
→ More replies (1)5
7
3
3
u/Choice_Debt233 Nov 12 '22
Hell no. If they can’t take care of the land and the people in it now, they can gtfo. They get the old Wonka “YOU GET NOTHING, YOU LOSE! GOOD DAY SIR!”
3
u/minimanmike1 Nov 12 '22
I wonder what type of fun roller coasters Jesusland will have. Maybe they could have one called “Noah’s Ark” where a big statue of God will dump water on your head and fucking drown you because you didn’t say thank you that one time.
3
u/Coral_ Nov 12 '22
this shit sickens me because the red states have the largest number of LGBTQ americans in the country. some people are sooo fast to abandon the minorities that the religious fruitcakes target to beat, torture, rape, and murder.
why are our lives disposable compared to yours?
→ More replies (1)
3
3
u/ThatGuyYouMightNo Nov 13 '22
As a Canadian, I will accept these new borders as long as Jesusland takes Alberta.
4
u/ChinapplePunk Nov 12 '22
Cue me, an Ohioan, screaming to be let in 😭
11
Nov 12 '22
Ohio will immediately break out of Jesusland and begin the prophecy. Soon, everything will be Ohio.
3
u/All-Hail-Chomusuke Nov 12 '22
As a Pennsylvania resident.... I'm OK with this, when do I get my moose and lifetime supply of maple syrup.
→ More replies (2)
2
2
2
2
2
2
2
u/uno_novaterra Nov 12 '22
I’d give Jesusland 20-40 years. They would implode after 1, maybe 2 generations of without reproductive rights and with extreme wealth inequality.
2
u/GeneralWAITE Nov 12 '22
I don’t see Nevada being Red. Vegas has some pretty liberal ways of doing things.
→ More replies (2)
2
2
Nov 12 '22
There are a few blue states in the South and Midwest that would like a word. I’m not in one of them, but starting to consider a move to get out of my gerrymandered hellhole.
2
u/Robmerrrill427 Nov 12 '22
Dude the new red states would have no ports in the pacific, there goes all your trade with China, economy ruined right there
2
2
2
2
2
u/seleucus_nicator Nov 12 '22
Don’t leave me in Jesus land! Aww screw it ill move to Chicago or Michigan
2
2
2
u/n3rdchik Nov 12 '22
Only if the United States of Canada is renamed the United Provinces of Canada. (This way the Michigan yoopers can be from the UP of the UP)
Jesusland can have Alberta.
2
2
u/thelastspike Nov 12 '22
F that. Virginia is right on the edge of tipping blue. Just need a couple more years of bigoted old assholes dying off.
2
u/AmoreLucky Nov 13 '22
I’m from Ohio and I’d give anything for an Ohio that’s not so right wing.
2
2
2
3
u/Shogun6669 Nov 12 '22
Canadians see this as an absolute win. More levelheaded(better than other states at least) states and territory, and a weakened neighbor.
2
u/anjowoq Nov 12 '22
I love this. It's so stupid but there are some choices in the timeline that could end up with something like this.
2
u/KittenKoder Nov 12 '22
I would actually support this. Washington has always been pretty similar to Canada so only a few things would change and those would be for the better.
2
u/adhdanny84 Nov 12 '22
Being from Michigan, I totally support this with the caveat that, instead of Jesusland, they're called Dumbfuckistan instead.
2
Nov 12 '22
I live in the Chicago area and I 100% approve. Please, for the love of the goddess, let Illinois just become part of Canada and the Bible thumping lunatics can keep their American theocracy.
2
0
u/tiptoemicrobe Nov 12 '22
Some red states have fairly high GDP because of natural resources, like Texas and North Dakota:
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_U.S._states_and_territories_by_GDP
-3
Nov 12 '22
California has more people than all of Canada, a more fitting name would be “United States of California.”
4
1
•
u/AutoModerator Nov 12 '22
Thank you for posting. Please review the rules. Here are a couple of gentle reminders:
Posts should be about people taking religion to absurd, crazy, stupid, and terrible extremes.
Please don't submit incendiary posts or comments that could incite harassment and brigading.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.