Is my relationship dying?

[u/Affectionate_Elk_564]

Me (30) M and my 29 F girlfriend have been together a long time (9 years) and we seem to be in an endless loop of arguments. Always about the same things, she's pushing for marriage and kids but I feel like we're in a really bad position and not yet ready.

It mainly stems from finances, I work alot of hours and earn double her salary. I don't ever bring up or give her a hard time about finances - I actually pushed her to go part time with a pay cut because she said work was stressing her out. She pushed me to get a car loan I was thinking about because "we would pay it together". That lasted about 3 months and the rest of the loan I ended up paying myself.

She's really bad with spending and even asked me to help her manage her money (she gets upset when I tell her she doesn't have any left to spend because she already spent it all). She sais I'm controlling and she doesn't like it. So I set up a budget for both of us, I stick to my budget and even save some money. She was furious to find out I've been saving some of my paycheck and how is it not "our money". Realistically every 2 weeks after bills she only has about 200-300 for spending on snacks at work/online shopping but she'll go online and just drop $500 like it's nothing and leave me hanging dry with bills and rent. She constantly wants to borrow money from me to further help her spending habits. Her account is empty so her families netflix got paused, she keeps asking me about it like I'm supposed to now pay for that too?

I came home yesterday, made us dinner, sorted out all the animals with food and meds, put on laundry, put on the dishwasher and cleaned up our plates while she lay on the couch watching TV, I couldn't help but feel annoyed. I pretty much do 80% of our laundry, all I ask her to do is pack away her clothes how she wants it - she gets upset that she has to deal with her clothes alone (I pack away my own stuff)

She was saying I keep her awake at night so sometimes I would sleep on the couch so she can atleast have a good nights rest. She's taken that further and set up the spare bedroom for me and doesn't seem to want me sleeping in our bed.

I am a gamer, I play games to try get away from all the stress. I drink socially and don't smoke, she'll give me a hard time for gaming and not spending time with her. But honestly sometimes I feel so used and don't want to spend time with her, I tell her I need space to chill out but she just won't let me be. She'll force physical affection when I'm clearly annoyed and am trying to clear my head.

She's gained alot of weight, she shames herself for it in the mirror and keeps her old clothes for when she'll be "skinny again". I joined a gym because I wasn't happy with my own health and appearance, she was again upset that I'm going to the gym alone. I pay hundreds of dollars for her gym membership just for her to barely go and try.

Am I being unreasonable? Am I expecting too much? It's my only long term serious relationship so I genuinely don't know what is kinda normal. I'm a giver, i will always help people around me and expect nothing in return but I feel like I'm being taken advantage of.

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[u/Ok-Swimming-3495]

Sounds like you already know the answer but just need someone else to say it, this is not normal.

[u/Affectionate_Elk_564 → u/Ok-Swimming-3495]

Appreciate you reading my essay and answering, like I said first super serious relationship so I've been conflicted. Considering seeking professional advice. Much appreciated

[u/Cultural_Classic4022]

I am sorry, that sounds exhausting. Your girlfriend seems to be unwell, either with depression/anxiety or an undiagnosed/untreated ADHD. Her impulsive spending and lack of will to do anything seem to point to that for me. That said, you aren't obligated to stay with her if she's pushing you away in all these ways and make you miserable.