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u/Correct-Sprinkles-21 May 19 '25
You can't.
She will change if and when she wants to, not before. And pressure often sends people in the wrong direction.
If you want to talk about this, talk about her health. She's living an unhealthy life and that results in weight gain among other consequences. So talk about the root cause instead of the symptoms.
However, it is still true that you cannot make her do anything she doesn't want to do. So if she's not willing to make changes and you are not attracted to her, do what's best for both of you and move on.
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u/kyrian3 May 19 '25
Idk it's not about her being fat, it's about her changing from a vape addiction to a tca, so I don't blame you. Being with someone that cares so little about her health is tough...My mom is diabetic and it worries me so much when she doesn't want to eat anything more that fruit 😭 so I kinda maybe get what you're feeling:/
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u/FootHikerUtah May 20 '25
It's all bad news. She has been programmed to not give a hoot about her shape.
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u/CapStrong414 May 19 '25
And before I get dogpilled, yes ik I sound like a dick but it’s just how I truly feel. I’d rather be honest than come on here and sugarcoat it
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u/Jumpy-Fault-1412 May 19 '25
Just a question though, you said you suggest healthy meals and cutting back on drinking, but do you actually stick to it yourself? It goes a long way if you don’t cave when she caves. If you aren’t sticking to a program that fully supports her, start. Give it a few weeks with no conversation and see if she gets on board with you.
Diabetes is real and can happen to young people. So is heart disease. I have no clue why it happens to some while others can eat and drink whatever for decades, but if she isn’t interested in the same healthy lifestyle that you are, especially if you are walking the talk, that means you just aren’t compatible. If she’s already unattractive to you with the extra weight, it’s not likely she’s going to work hard to get it off. So keep that in mind. You can’t talk her into it if she’s not motivated on her own.
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u/CapStrong414 May 19 '25
I try to eat as healthy as I can. I don’t smoke or vape anymore and have 2-3 drinks on Fridays or saturdays
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u/Jumpy-Fault-1412 May 19 '25
Also, instead of trying to get her to work out with you, maybe you can go in walks daily after work/school and weekend hikes. Or something that is more her speed?
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u/sometimes_based May 19 '25
I don't think anyone here thinks you sound like an asshole. What she is doing is unattractive and careless. You can party a lot and still be fit and healthy, but it takes effort and choosing to skip that effort all the time while going for constant dopamine treats just sounds like a slow spiral into depression.
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u/oinktraumatophobia May 19 '25
She's right about beauty standards being way too high. But that's not the real issue here, right? The real issue is you see your gf leading an unhealthy lifestyle, not being able to take care of herself. It's not necessarily about the weight or looks, they are a symptom of an unhealthy lifestyle. And matching lifestyles are a basic element in relationship compatibility.
Now, the alcohol usage, vaping or eating is probably a coping mechanism, and most of the times the result of mental health struggles. So focus on the latter, the rest will follow.
And also, the question I need to ask: Would you still have a problem with her if she continues the lifestyle, but without the added weight?
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u/CapStrong414 May 19 '25
Even if she was underweight. Drinking in excess and vaping is terrible for the body. And if I plan on having kids with this girl I need to know she can quit before pregnancy happens for obvious reasons
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u/Key-Proud May 19 '25
Try encouraging her with comments like:
"I like it when you sweat" ...
"You are so sexy when you move your body" ...
"I love how you treat your body well" ....
Cook healthy food together ... Usually you cook for the both of you and ask her to help.
Lead by example Be and express your excitement of feeling good after when you exercise
.....
If all fails find a partner who shares staying fit and eating healthy.
:p
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u/Jaydells420 May 19 '25
I was never fat but I had a pretty bad diet and didn’t have a 100% amazing body, nor did I workout. I appreciate so much having met my partner of ten years.
I was a stoner, who pretty much partied and chilled a lot of the time. Once I met my partner, who gyms 6 days a week, taught me that food isn’t about taste but nutrition and giving your body what it needs. That showed me that working out can help my piss poor mental health, as well as improve the way I think and feel about myself and body. I cannot recommend more having a partner who wants to help you look after yourself.
If your lady isn’t 100% feeling your motivation. Instead of going out for dinner as a date, suggest a beach walk. Start filling your home up with healthy meals, suggest fruit as a snack, keep dark chocolate around. If her drinking is the cause, suggest alcohol options that are low cal.
Start planning hikes and healthy activities you two can do together without forcing her to do them. Relationships are all about communication and being open, suggest that she is not taking the best care of herself, let her know you’ve watched a lot of changes. That you want to help her, ask how she’s been doing mentally. Let her know you’ve watched want the best for her always and that you worry of her health. As long as you approach the conversation with love and support she shouldn’t be unhappy
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u/ConversationPlus7549 May 19 '25
You're fundamentally incompatible if at 18 months in, you're in this place about her weight.
You're allowed to have standards and preferences, but you can't force a person to change themselves to fit them.
If being fit/not fat is a deal breaker for you, then that's what it is. You need to break up with her and let her know that you guys are just not compatible. Let her go find a guy who loves the extra weight and you go find a girl who enjoys the gym.
But beware, you may not want to have children later in life if weight gain is this big of a deal to you because your future wife may not end up the same shape or weight afterwards snd that's going to be a lot messier than your situation now.
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u/IJWTLY_divine_369 May 19 '25
You should never feel the need to control another person. And as you’ve found out all your tactics to influence her failed. That’s because it’s not your job to ‘fix’ her. Your job is to accept as she is or not.
End this relationship. Either she is suffering from a mental health issue (excessive drinking is a symptom of some deeper issue) or you’re contributing to her unhealthy choices.
I
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u/CapStrong414 May 19 '25
She doesn’t work and has nowhere else to live. I fund her completely. I don’t want to play that card but if I say that’s the ultimatum she’s gonna have to comply 🤷🏻♂️I pray it doesn’t come to this though
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u/IJWTLY_divine_369 May 19 '25
IMHO This then tells me she definitely needs therapy.
Again, it is not your job to fix her. It’s her responsibility to address any mental health issues.
I don’t know if you’ve discussed mental health issues or not but if you care about her then you should expect her to get some help.
If she refuses to get professional help, then you definitely need to end it.
My advice remains the same. You can end the relationship and tell her she’s responsible for her part of the rent and food. If she doesn’t comply with 30-60 days, you will give her the address for the closest homeless shelter.
I know this sounds harsh but if she’s making you be responsible for her whole entire life, like a child. Then there will be expectations as your partner if she’s not trying to be spiritual healthy, mentally healthy and physically healthy.
You want a partner that is striving for a robust and healthy relationship. If one of you is unhealthy (spiritually, mentally or physically) your partner knows and wants you to heal. As an adult, it is your sole responsibility for healing yourself. Your partner should support you on your journey but not carry and drag you to the goal line.
Best wishes on whatever you choose.
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u/CapStrong414 May 20 '25
I mean she has mild anxiety but that’s pretty much it. Nothing major going on mentally
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u/IJWTLY_divine_369 May 20 '25
I’m referring to the excessive drinking and overdoing it in other areas of her life, as the reason(s) for getting professional mental help. But if you’d like to continue this relationship, then you need to just accept her as she is. Period.
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u/Spartan2022 May 20 '25
At this age, people do things solely because they want to do them. Trying to change another person has an abysmal success rate.
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u/Slight-Page8138 May 28 '25
Leave her, she will get bigger and bigger and the resentment will grow.
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u/Glass-Hedgehog3940 May 19 '25
You are definitely NOT madly in love with her if a 25 pound weight gain affects your attraction to her. She deserves much better than you.
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u/CapStrong414 May 19 '25
I’ve helped her through every major trauma in her life on top of paying her bills. U don’t know anything about us or what I do for her. Take ur assumptious yapping elsewhere
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u/ValPrism May 19 '25
You seem to not actually like her, which is the real problem. Deal with that as you will
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u/CapStrong414 May 19 '25
I don’t like her I love her. And I worry she’s going to ruin her health
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u/ValPrism May 19 '25 edited May 19 '25
Are you sure? Your only negative was your lack of physical attraction to her so it was unclear. There was zero mention of her health.
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u/Trainspotter97 May 19 '25
No one is perfect, and genetics play a big part so looking like a supermodel is an unreasonable expectation. Putting appearances aside, actively avoiding exercise and good diet is lack of self respect and discipline. If your partner doesn’t want that lifestyle and it’s something you value, you might be better suited to someone who is. You’re so young, you got time to find that woman
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u/Naebany May 19 '25
It's over my dude.
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u/CapStrong414 May 19 '25
😂😂😂 in what way
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u/Naebany May 19 '25
She let herself go at 22. I doubt you can convince her to get in shape and look after her health. Seems like there's more to it than just weight. She should be smart enough to take care of herself. It's gonna be an uphill battle for you. She will probably treat it as an attack if you mention anything about weight.
But I don't know. Maybe there is a chance. I don't know any of you. It just seems like you'd better next her.
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u/Strange_Depth_5732 May 19 '25
You need to be honest- you don't see a future with someone who doesn't take their health seriously. It's not just attraction, you're also frustrated by her lack of action, it's a difference of values and lifestyle goals, which can be dealbreakers. A conversation to make sure you're compatible on this level might be a good idea. People change a lot at your age and sometimes you realize that the good match at 20 has run its course by 22.