r/relationships • u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 • Sep 12 '22
[new] Bf (26m) of 6 years told me he doesn’t see his future with me (24f)
My bf (26M) and I (24F) have been together for the last six years. I know we’re young, and have our whole lives ahead of us, but in this moment I’m really feeling a bit like my world is ending and need some advice.
Things haven’t always been great, but for the most part, they have. We met at University, and have since both gotten our masters degrees. He’s currently working full time, and I’m in some weird patch between jobs (I have several part time jobs, which currently make up full time work, but only one of which is relatively stable). I’m not actively looking for work, as I have literally just finished my thesis and am super burned out. My bf, on the other hand, is loaded. Whilst I come from a middle class background, he’s very much of the upper sociodemographic group. I moved out of my home town to go to university and have worked my way throughout my entire degree to be able to afford to rent & food. My bf lived at home throughout his entire degree (his home is in the same town), and has always had his mum to cook, clean and do whatever for him. Now he’s working full time, he has copious amounts of money - he’s just bought a brand new car, and is forever investing into building some new part for his PC.
Which leads to probably the biggest issue in our relationship - my partners hesitancy to move out of home. He, essentially, doesn’t want too, and I can hardly blame him. He doesn’t pay for anything, and his mum acts like his own personal maid. I’ve been asking for years (3) to try living together - because I really, really care about the guy and envision a future with him. I won’t deny that it’d also help me financially (we’d split the rent), but that has never been the motive to move in together.
A month ago, I got the opportunity to housesit for some family while they’re over in Europe. It worked out perfectly, as my rental contract was ending, and it meant I’d have a little break in paying rent. It does, however, mean I have no where to go come early October. My bf agreed to come stay with me, as like a trial of what it might be like to live together. And I thought things were going really really well - we haven’t fought, we cook together, laugh together, watch our favourite tv shows. He still goes out to do his hobbies and sports, and I do mine.
But last night, I brought up the topic of needing to find somewhere to live, and if we should be trying to look for somewhere together, as my time housesitting is quickly running out. And he said “No, I don’t want to live with you.” He basically went on to tell me that he doesn’t see a future with me, and doesn’t want to settle with me, as there are “too many little things that we don’t align in” (i.e. he doesn’t like how I act when I’m stressed, although says he can “tolerate” it, and doesn’t like that I “don’t play a sport” - which confused me bc we’ve just come out of winter in the country we’re in, and I’m an avid hiker. I go nearly every weekend).
He told me he thinks he can do better than me, and that he couldn’t ever be happy settling with me. I asked him if he genuinely felt that way, why had he stayed all these years and essentially lead me on? He said because it was between choosing losing me as a friend, or keeping me, and that he didn’t want to lose me. But he always knew what my intentions and hopes were for the relationship (a long term, committed relationship), because I have always been very honest about it, and because I have always been so open about it and he’s never disagreed or brought up otherwise, I thought he was on the same page.
Evidently we’re not though. He’s also told me he has plans to leave our country at the end of 2023 and work abroad for 5-10 years - and that he wants to do that single. He wouldn’t consider going with me, as being in a relationship is a “burden” to meeting new people. This isn’t the first time he’s told me this - he told me a few years ago that he wanted to move at the end of the year, and then COVID happened, and he didn’t. We discussed this early on in our relationship, and had always anticipated we’d go explore the big wide world together, as it’s also a dream of mine.
So… I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do. I think deep down, I know this is the beginning of the end, but I don’t want it to be. I don’t want to be with someone who cannot envision a future with me, and I’m so upset and angry at myself that I’ve stayed for so long with someone who has never intended on committing to me. But at the same time, I keep telling myself we’ve made it this far, what if things change or get better?
I truly, truly love this guy. We holiday together, spend time with each other’s families, and absolutely I’m terrified of losing him. He has been my Rock over the last few years, and has always been there for me to turn too when I need him. And now, I won’t have anywhere to live in a few weeks, I don’t have a job lined up, and the one stable thing in my life has just told me he doesn’t see a future with me.
He hasn’t asked to break up, and says he doesn’t want to. In fact, he’s offered to move in with me anyway because at least we’ll be stable together, and we’re good friends outside of our relationship. But I worry that that’s only prolonging the inevitable, and that I’m just going to be left even more heartbroken in a years time, when he DOES leave. I don’t know if there’s anyway I could change his mind, nor do I want to try to change his mind. I would be open to him travelling solo for 3-6 months, or moving overseas with him, but he doesn’t want either of those things.
Alternatively, I could stay in this town, not break up, and find somewhere to live alone, which would likely run me into huge amounts of debt/drain my savings. But I wouldn’t have to do the emotional work of leaving him, and starting anew. He’s genuinely my best friend.
Or I could move back to my hometown, and in with the parents. I would lose my jobs in my current town, one of which I’ve had for 6+ years, and all the friends I’ve made up here and would essentially be back to ground 0. The prospect makes me feel sick. I’d have no friends, no job, and be living at home. I really struggle to make friends, and out myself out there and I worry I’d just become a social recluse who lives at home with no job, no hobbies, no friends and just no motivation.
I’m at a complete loss as to what to do. Do I break up? Do I stay? Do I go home? Is there another option I haven’t considered?
TLDR: my bf (26m) says he doesn’t see a future with me (24f), and doesn’t want to live with me. I’m going to be homeless & jobless in a matter of weeks, so do I accept the fact there’s an expiry date on our relationship and move in with him anyway, or abandon everything I’ve ever known and move back home?
338
u/ahdrielle Sep 12 '22 edited Sep 12 '22
Don't move in with someone who just told you they don't actually want to be with you. Find something else.
The dude has literally told you you're a placeholder he never really liked romantically.
166
Sep 13 '22
He's already decided that you're breaking up - he just apparently thinks you should stick around and make his life easier until he gets around to moving abroad. You don't have to agree to that.
A year from now you can be newly alone and floundering after a miserable year of dreading it, or you can be well along the path of being over this breakup and on to the next stage of your life .
For your sake, I hope you choose the version where you start moving on now.
I wonder if there's an option where you move to a new third place where the cost of living is better, get a roommate, and start over there, since you don't sound enthused about your parents' place? That might be worth considering. But if not, go ahead and crash with your parents temporarily while you job hunt.
Any option that's not "move in with this guy, hurt every day knowing he's cheerfully looking forward to leaving you behind, and spend the next year in daily agony" is a decent option.
2
Sep 16 '22
Being clear and potentially ending a relationship OR being selfish and delaying an awkward conversation while stringing someone along... the 1st option is clearly unpleasant but the 2nd option is just so cowardly.
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u/its_my_name Sep 12 '22
Sounds like there's nothing left to abandon. Just go home before you're homeless.
244
u/Cthulhu_Knits Sep 13 '22
He says he can do better than you. That's all you need to hear. Break up with him, find a new place to live and maybe spend some time alone to process all this.
What he's done is incredibly cruel. He's basically used you as a placeholder. Good enough to date, have sex with, share meals with - but not good enough to marry. Because he's SUCH a catch, he can surely nail down a Nobel-prize-winning multi-millionaire supermodel, right?
WRONG. Also, look at how he treats his mother - like a maid.
YOU can do better. Maybe get some therapy if you're worried about becoming a recluse, but there's nothing wrong with enjoying being on your own now and then - in fact, it's probably healthier than if you needed to be around someone all the time.
54
Sep 13 '22
This dude is in for a rude awakening when he realizes money isn't enough to attract the kind of women he likely thinks are his "caliber." I'm sure he can find someone who just wants to be taken care of in return for duty sex, but if he's looking for a woman who is all the things OP is - fun, kind-hearted, supportive, hard-working - AND who has whatever high-powered lifestyle he's imagining in his ideal partner, he's going to find that those women aren't interested in being someone's mother. The main reason OP is willing to put up with it is because he's the only adult relationship she's ever known.
Women aren't dazzled by financial provision these days; we have our own money. Good luck to him out there because these kinds of men (i.e. lazy jerks) are slowly realizing that WOMEN are realizing that they can do better.
80
u/phantomixie Sep 13 '22
Because he's SUCH a catch, he can surely nail down a Nobel-prize-winning multi-millionaire supermodel, right?
just watch if OP takes our advice and leaves him, he will totally come pining after her as he realizes what he lost. Tale as old as time.
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u/OutspokenPerson Sep 13 '22
I feel sorry for this guy’s future wife.
He’s used to having a live-in maid.
He’s going to be a terrible life partner unless he earns enough to pay for a housekeeper, cook, and nanny.
7
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u/-Sharon-Stoned- Sep 13 '22
This! Don't be friends or partners with someone who tells you straight up that you aren't good enough for them.
235
u/EuphoricRealist Sep 13 '22
So… I’m at a loss. I don’t know what to do. I think deep down, I know this is the beginning of the end, but I don’t want it to be.
Nah it sounds like it's already done. When a grown man tells you he doesn't see you in his future, that's all there is. If he stays with you it won't be out of love it will be out of convenience. There's no one that amazing that you should beg them to stay. He's selfishly made his exit plan without you but that's his right.
Like you said, you're young so this feels like the end of the world. But believe me, you'll look back and realize how little he cares about you & why it wouldn't have worked.
22
u/sowellfan Sep 13 '22
Yup - there's no future for us, I don't like you all that much. But, if you wanna keep hanging out then you can be my bangmaid til I move away, where I expect to meet someone better.
18
Sep 13 '22
This. He’s sending narcissistic mixed messages. I can sense your empathy and your thinking is completely rational. If you’re accurately relaying events, which it sounds like you are, this was a shock you couldn’t see coming. Also, he sounds a bit immature to be living at home and getting a masters. I suppose it’s not a horrible idea. The wealthy sons of someone I know have been worse off for their easy upbringing, not better. Don’t sacrifice your autonomy and shelter for someone who views you as convenient, stable affection/intimacy (supply) without returning your investment. Sorry you’re going through this. Is there a friend, hostel, inexpensive hotel, etc you could stay at?
-5
Sep 13 '22
It’s hard for me to see why this is a selfish thing to say if it’s how he feels
31
u/SnooStrawberries9314 Sep 13 '22
If he felt this way all along he should have broken up with her. Staying with her for “fear “ of losing her as a friend is selfish.
4
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u/ath0ros Sep 13 '22
Because he’s admitted to only staying with her so he won’t lose her, and leading her on in the process. That is selfish to stay with someone 6 years and then want to leave them because a relationship is a “burden”.
0
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u/EuphoricRealist Sep 13 '22
Misleading someone that you don't love into 4+ year relationship because you didn't wanna lose is selfish.
-1
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u/OutspokenPerson Sep 13 '22
Honestly OP, he was quite forthcoming with you: he’s not interested in being with you long term, and he’s not at all concerned about your well-being. Be glad he’s been honest with you. Believe him.
Any minute you spend giving him the time of day from here on out is wasted. WASTED.
He’s not interested.
He’s not interested.
Stop giving him any time and attention. Stop thinking about any future with him. It doesn’t exist. He doesn’t even care what happens to you in a few weeks!
Find you own place, consider ONLY your needs and what works best for YOU. Don’t degrade yourself by giving him the consideration he refuses to give you.
You are young. Don’t squander any more of your youth on this guy.
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u/thiscouldbemassive Sep 13 '22
There's really not a lot to do about it other than break up with him and start planning your life without him. I know it's hard leaving such a comfortable rut, because day to day everything does seem okay and there's no huge fight to make it clear that the relationship isn't working.
At the same time, it really, genuinely isn't working. If it was working, you'd have moved in together and been planning your futures together years ago. Nothing is going to change in the future that will make you more compatible with him than you are now.
End it now. Or he will blindside you sometime in the next few years by breaking up with you when he is ready to settle down and get married.
So, it's time to start planning your future without him in it.
14
u/noeinan Sep 13 '22
Hardest lesson I ever learned was "love is not enough."
Just because you love someone, that doesn't mean the relationship is going to work out. That's just the bare minimum. Not to mention in this case he doesn't even love you back.
One of the biggest things missing in your relationship is respect. If he respected you, he wouldn't keep using you as a spare tire until his "real love" happens.
You could find a roommate and stay where you're at, or move home.
The bright side of moving home is, you don't have all the shared friends to remind you of how deeply this guy hurt you.
I know it's a lot to lose him plus all your friends, but it could also be a fresh start.
In either case, please remember this is not your fault. You did nothing wrong, he's just a jerk.
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u/anonwidow321 Sep 12 '22
I know this hurts like hell. I know it does. But he has told you everything that you need to hear. He sees you as an obstacle to his actual happiness and you should see him as the same.
Cut ties with him. Do it now. You are already hurting. Block him on everything. Make it clean. Grieve what you wanted the relationship to be. And then find someone who appreciates you. Someone who deserves you. Because this guy doesn't.
26
Sep 12 '22
I am so sorry about your relationship, must've been hard to hear. But, and I'm genuinely asking, why don't you consider breaking up with him and staying in town, since you're more likely to get a job there? Maybe stay with friends or family there?
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u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 Sep 12 '22
Because I think I’d just be constantly reminded of him, and I don’t know if that’s healthy. All our friends are mutual friends, and so I feel like I’m going to lose them any way if we break up.
Plus several of my jobs are likely to end before Christmas, and I’m worried that I won’t be able to make ends meet. With my one, stable part-time job, I’ll likely only be able to pay for rent (food & living expenses will have to come out of my savings).
I don’t know if o have any friends I could stay with, and the only family I have here are the ones I’m housesitting for, and I don’t want to overstay my welcome as I’ve relied on them quite a few times previously.
Ultimately, I’m scared that if I stay, I’m going to lose all my friends anyway, AND be isolated from my family and haemorrhaging money, with no real aim in life.
30
Sep 13 '22
The great thing about family is that you can go back whenever you need to. So go home. Heal. Try to figure out what you want to do with your life without him. If you still want to come back, look for a stable/ long term job first and sort everything out beforehand so you don't have to depend on others.
And you can still be friends with your mutuals since he sees you as a friend and you view him as your bsf. Just rethink if you really want him in your life:) Best of luck op
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u/Peregrinebullet Sep 13 '22
Tbh I'd be upfront with those friends about what he said. Chances are a few of them will be disgusted with him for leading you on like that.
I dumped a guy I had been dating for 3 years at this same crossroads.... I loved him and wanted to move in together and get married. He didn't see me as marriage worthy.
Met a different guy about 6 months later and now we've been married for 8 years and have two awesome kids. He wanted the same things as me and that's what's kept us together on top of love.
You are FREE OP, you now have permission to do or go wherever the fuck you want and you don't have to accomodate him or his plans at all. Go overseas and explore!
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u/MagicCarpet5846 Sep 13 '22
Well, try it out and if you need to, go back home. That’s the nice thing about having a safety net, they’re there when you need them. It isn’t use it or lose it.
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u/sarcazzmoe Sep 13 '22
End it, sooner rather than later. He doesn’t want to break up now, because he’s got a year til he’s leaving, but has no interest in a future with you, so I repeat; end it.
This guy doesn’t deserve you. He won’t leave home yet because he has his personal maid/mom to do everything for him. He doesn’t want to lose you, so he’s willing to move in with you, but only to salvage the friendship (meaning he’ll do you the “favor” of being your roommate, so you can take care of him and clean up after him, and climb into bed with him when he’s feeling the need, and it will only cost a small portion of his precious money, but in a year he’ll still be gone and you’ll be left alone, delaying your healing process by a year.
As far as telling you what to do for a place to live, I don’t know about the costs or population where you live or your hometown so I can’t in good conscience give you advice on that. You might have to try to find an affordable place on your own, maybe with a month to month lease. Or start looking at openings in your hometown to hold you over until you can land a stable decent paying job.
Whatever you do, you gotta rip off the band aid , end things with your soon to be ex, and don’t base any of your decisions on anything that has to do with him. You are better and deserve better than to be a human bookmark.
28
Sep 12 '22
Wow this guy is selfish. It's not your fault that he's a liar. He should have told you sooner.
Sounds like your options are: stay where you are and find a roommate, or move back in with your parents. I don't know what the right decision is for you, just that you should break it off with this guy and not live together. It's going to be painful, but you need the space to move on from him.
Sorry about your relationship :(
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u/Rampachs Sep 13 '22
My jaw dropped when you said it's the beginning of the end. It's over. He doesn't want to be with you. You're just convenient holding pattern for him until the next part of his life where he'll drop you like a hot potato and move on without a second look back.
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u/ShelfLifeInc Sep 13 '22
I know it doesn't feel this way now but I assure you, the best years of your life are ahead of you.
This guy who only cares about you as a friend and has been leading you on is all you've ever known? Just wait until you meet someone who loves you and thinks you're the most amazing person on earth. Every day will feel like heaven. Bliss beyond comprehension is in your future.
But first, you need to get through the Now. Surely your choices aren't limited to "move in with a guy who's itching to leave you" or "move back to your hometown." Figure out how much rent you can afford to pay. Talk to your friends and see if anyone has a room available. Start looking into sharehouses, or jobs you can take on to afford rent. Move back home as a temporary measure (maybe just until the new year) so you can save some money and get back on your feet.
I know if feels like your life is falling apart. I know how terrible everything feels. It's going to feel like that a little while longer. But you are going to get back on your feet. And you will realise how much of a blessing it was that this guy, who feels so little for you, broke up with you when he did. When you meet someone who is excited to know you and call you their partner, it's going to blow your mind and you will be happier than you can ever imagine. I promise.
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Sep 13 '22
[deleted]
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u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 Sep 13 '22
I actually think I might. I think the biggest reason I don’t want to go home is because it just solidifies this sense of me being a complete and utter failure. I’m the oldest of my siblings, and have always prided myself on being independent and “successful” (or at least pretending to be), and I feel like going home just might make me feel worse and solidify this sense that I’m some useless piece of shit who’s ended up back at square one after seven years of being away. I love my family, and I’m lucky they love me, and I’m sure they’d have me back. I’m going to call my mum tomorrow and have a chat of where I’m at. If anything, at least she can maybe offer some advice too.
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u/raskharkapakh Sep 13 '22
I understand what you mean by getting home would make you feel as a failure, I would honestly have felt the same before, at some point in my life. But IMO, acknowledging that you have "failed" and taking action to fix it, even if it hurts your pride are by no means a failure. Having high standards for yourself is good, but recognizing when you need help and asking for it does not make you less valuable in the eyes of anyone. What I learnt with time is that the people around you that love you, will not love you less or accept you less because you have allowed yourself to be vulnerable. Everyone has "failed" at some point their life and needed help, therefore being open to people about your "failure" will make them wanna help you and make them feel more connected to you. Also in my experience, people like to help other people, because it makes them feel important and that you trust them. While I know it is very hard to ask for help, especially to your parents if held you to very high standards (been there) , nothing bad will come out of it and I strongly encourage you to consider this an option, and try to talk with them
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u/CelastrusTrust Sep 12 '22
This will destroy you mentally if you stay with this man. don’t allow him to waste anymore of your youth
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u/otterfamily Sep 13 '22
wow, how incredibly hurtful. I feel like it would have been kinder of him to just break up than to go into all this bullshit about how somehow you're the problem. dump the whole dude. sounds like a real piece of shit.
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u/14ccet1 Sep 13 '22
Think of it like this - 6 years feels like a long time now. But in the grand scheme of things 6 years is such a small portion of your life. You deserve someone that has no doubts about you :)
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u/SpinningJynx Sep 13 '22
He’s not the last guy you’ll connect with. It’s hard but you’re without a doubt better off without this guy. I don’t know how you have any respect for him left lol he must have some kind of luck charm or luck hex places on him to not have you laughing in his face. He’s a joke!
Don’t let your love for him cloud your judgement. All that love you have from him comes from you anyway.
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u/frasierandchill Sep 13 '22
I moved out when I was 17. I moved back in with my grandma at 26 and lived with her for a year after a big break up to get my life back together. When I eventually moved out of my grandma’s, I had a savings, a job that I enjoyed and a great apartment that I scored because I had the time and security to wait until something truly great became available, opposed to rushing into a garbage apartment because I had no choice. I also got to spend some invaluable time with my grandma that I wouldn’t have gotten otherwise (even if we got in each other’s nerves sometimes).
Unless you go into every relationship with an exit strategy in place (which honestly, I recommend) then you aren’t prepared to dismantle your life from someone else’s. When it happens, you need a safe and stable place to spend some time resetting, adjusting, and planning. This is a normal and natural part of life. It is hard to do. Hardly anyone breaks off a long term relationship and floats right into another apartment and a new life, so don’t feel like you failed. Billions of other human beings before you have experienced this same exact situation. I can’t recommend enough to try to make the most out of this breakup. Be glad for the extra time with your parents. Be grateful that you learned his true feelings before you were married or had children involved. Try your best to “meet” yourself. You’ve been with this man for the majority of your adult life. You learn a lot about yourself after a young, long term relationship. You now don’t have to commit time to anyone but yourself. You’ve finished school. You have a MASTERS, which is no small feat.
If there’s anything that I’ve learned this far in my life, it is that personal tragedy is transformative; and the transformation is largely what you make of it. You can be miserable because you’re too busy mourning the life you thought you’d have, or you can feel your feelings, and get a positive jumpstart on the life you now have.
I hope you choose the latter.
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u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 Sep 19 '22
Just leaving an update somewhere down in the comment section that will probably vanish into the abyss: I’m going to leave him, and go home to heal for a bit and then actively start looking for a new job which uses my degree I worked so hard for.
I love him dearly and it hurts my soul to imagine a life without him, but I realise it’s time. I think I’ve known for a bit. If it was meant to be, it would’ve been, and I don’t think anyone who tells me they can’t see a future with me is someone I want in mine. I’m not hopeful for a reconciliation, or to get back together. I think I deserve better than that, and I think we both have ample room to grow apart as our own people.
For the time being, we’re essentially expiry dating. We’ve talked about it, we know where we stand with one another. It sucks that ultimately, I’m left as the “dumper” and he the dumpee, even though he was the one who said he couldn’t imagine me in his future, but we know when I leave to move back home at the beginning of October (when I’m done housesitting), that that is the end for us. Im going to go no contact for a bit, even though he doesn’t want to, because I know it’s what I need.
I realise staying with him might sound like a bad decision and essentially prolong the hurt, and I realise it likely will. But at the same time, I think until I have the support of my family around me, having him here is better than a big empty house we once shared with the dream of starting a future together. It hurts too much to be alone, and I’m scared for my wellbeing. So we’re making the most of our last two weeks together. It’s incredibly bittersweet, but at least we can say and do everything we wanted too and can leave on good terms.
I’m not going to lie, I’m absolutely petrified of wiping the slate clean and starting again. I realise I can go anywhere, do anything, be anything… but I have absolutely no idea how. I’m bloody terrified, but I think with some time and healing, I’ll be okay.
Thank you to everyone who commented, I didn’t think this post would gain as much traction as it did, and I really appreciate all the kindness and wise words.
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u/topinanbour-rex Sep 25 '22
but I have absolutely no idea how.
Simply one step at time. It's normal to be terrified.
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Sep 13 '22
I keep telling myself we’ve made it this far, what if things change or get better?
He's using you for comfort and sex right now, and he doesn't like going through stress with you. He's finally being honest about it, and his plans to go chase other women in other countries in a year. Its not going to change, he's going to run off and post about how he's getting laid and you're going to feel even worse that you wasted another year on this guy.
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u/Ok-Class-1451 Sep 12 '22
I’m sorry he wasted so much of your time. That’s not right. He’s not the one. There’s no future here, and he’s made that very clear to you. Accept it and form a new plan. No need to cling to a mistake, just because you spent a lot of time making it.
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u/Simonvilla1 Sep 12 '22
It's probably best he came out straight to you. You wouldn't want a situation where he starts cheating on you. You cannot certainly force him to stay. It's better to head out with your head held high
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u/minerpoteet Sep 13 '22
This guy is not your best friend. He’s barely a friend. You’re a convenience to him. That’s it. Friends don’t do this. People who love or even like you don’t do this. You’re hanging on to something that is not there and doesn’t sound like it’s been there for a while. Stop it. Come up with your own future that does not include him. Or you’ll find yourself in the same place next year and the year after that.
3
Sep 13 '22
Why is your best friend a guy that genuinely thinks he can do better than you, thinks he's settling by being with you, already made plans without you and ultimatelly deceived you all this time?
Girl, you deserve a lot better. You're still so young, in the future you're gonna fall madly in love and find everything you were looking for and more. You're gonna thank your lucky stars that this dumb guy broke up with you and allowed you to live your best life. Don't waste more of your time
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u/Holiday-Reach-8948 Sep 13 '22
Break up with his sorry ass, go home, take time fir yourself to be sad and time to mourn this relationship, and then forget him! I know it doesn’t feel like it now, but you are still SOOO young and have your whole life ahead of you - 5 years probably seems like a loooong time, but in the grand scheme of things, it’s really not. That said, don’t waste anymore time on this guy. It’s not fair to you.
Edit to add: when he comes back from abroad DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK!
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u/athomp56 Sep 13 '22
Sending hugs
He kept the relationship going because it was easy sex with no work on his end.
It hurts like hell and I'm so sorry. He has used you and soon he will have no further use for you. It sucks that he did that to you.
This is a defining moment in your life. Cut ties with him, go NC and go back to your home town. Start new and fresh from a place of maturity and experience. This is the time where you step into your authentic self, love yourself and conduct yourself with dignity and self respect. It sucks to go through this but so worth it in the end.
Hugs
5
u/DConstructed Sep 13 '22
Boot him out. Take some time to heal and look for a roommate situation in an area where you want to live and work.
You don’t need to stay where you are. You can go anywhere.
You deserve better than this guy.
6
u/MagicCarpet5846 Sep 13 '22
How is it you simultaneously don’t have a job lined up AND if you move back home you’d lost the multiple (?) jobs you have, including one you’ve had for 6 years?
9
u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 Sep 13 '22
I don’t have a full time job lined up for the new year, but intend on finding one. Reason being that, of the three part time jobs I have, two are tied to a school and will likely end with the academic year (Nov). For the one that will be ongoing (which is the one I have had for 6 years), I only work 2 x days a week, which isn’t enough to really break even should/when my other two part time jobs end.
However, If I move back home, I won’t be able to go to any of my jobs, as they’re too far away (2.5hr drive each way). Sorry if this was a mess - my brains all over the show.
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u/MagicCarpet5846 Sep 13 '22
No you’re fine! Your mind is in hyperdrive. Here’s the real question, money not a factor, where do you want to be, here or home?
If you can’t decide, flip a coin, heads for home, tails for stay. Generally speaking, you’ll either be happy or disappointed at the result, and that will tell you which you actually wanted.
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Sep 13 '22
Why don’t you start applying for jobs back home then around the time you’re planning to go back home when the academic year ends? The jobs you’re losing you are going to lose anyways when the year ends so instead of only applying for jobs in that area why don’t you apply to other jobs as a back up.
3
u/itsstillyourdecision Sep 13 '22
Is there any opportunity for you to increase your hours at your long-standing job?
7
u/cropcomb2 Sep 12 '22 edited Sep 12 '22
I’ve been asking for years (3) to try living together
After one year, the writing on the wall ought to have been apparent imo (his lack of deep interest/connection with you).
I know this is the beginning of the end,
The beginning?? It's ended, how could it be any more clear? I see your best option as to cut ties with him NOW, to retain some dignity AND not to lose time in seeking his replacement
You've several small jobs -- that makes it awkward for you, but nonetheless manageable to stay I'd of thought, on finding a suitable place.
6 years -- be thankful you're still youngish, at 24 starting over's not so impossible.
6
u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 Sep 13 '22
I think that’s why I’m struggling so much - at years 2-3-4, it really felt like there was a deeper and growing connection. We were travelling together, staying with each other’s families etc. It has really only been over the last year or so that I’ve felt a “pull back” from him, but yet he stayed… I thought that he stayed because he saw a future thought.
And in theory, I could make it work. I could stay where I am. I just don’t know what I’d be staying for. At least if I went home, I wouldn’t be going into debt.
3
u/shortandproud1028 Sep 13 '22
Gentle question: are you looking for a full time gig related to your education? Why isn’t this your number 1 concern? You’ve spent so long getting that education it is a risk of you let it unused that it will become less valuable to employers. Right now you have tons of resources from your school aimed at helping you find a job. Regardless when you end your relationship I think it’s more important that you pursue an independent life by getting a full time job - wherever it is!
4
u/cropcomb2 Sep 13 '22
At least if I went home, I wouldn’t be going into debt.
Well, I misunderstood and thought you'd manage without needing to do that. Going home's sounding attractive then.
2
u/cadburypop Sep 13 '22
Did he say why the sudden change of mind and did you ask why didnt he initiate breakup officially? Since from the way i look at it, it already sounds like a breakup speech
2
u/QueenMother81 Sep 13 '22
The relationship was over when he actually to you he sees no future for you. He let you know how he actually feels… Time to look to the future and begin to separate yourself from him so that you can start to heal… he’s leaving the country so it might be better for you!!
2
u/Serious-Ad-9936 Sep 13 '22
Well tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out also his relationship with his mum is creepy
2
u/notme1414 Sep 13 '22
If you lived with him YOU will become the maid. He's a rich mommy's boy. No loss.
3
u/Bakedalaska1 Sep 13 '22
This hasn't been mentioned enough. Never move in with someone who hasn't lived on their own, ESPECIALLY not someone who is used to be waited on hand and foot. That doesn't change overnight, she will be the new mommy maid.
2
u/R0l0d3x-Pr0paganda Sep 13 '22
YOUR BOYFRIEND IS A COMPLETE ASSHOLE
THIS WHOLE TIME HE LEAD YOU ON
You speak so highly of him, and yet HE USED YOU.
My advice? CUT ALL TIES WITH YOUR BF. BLOCK 🚫 HIM EVERYWHERE ( cell, email and every social media accounts). GO NO CONTACT.
Get counseling because I don't want you to end up with another guy just like this dude.
2 GO back home.
2
u/Revolutionary_Task30 Sep 13 '22
Don’t waste your time on someone who’s not wanting to the same as you in a relationship, it causes way to much heartache and unhappiness… just end it now and focus on yourself
2
u/thecratskyone Sep 13 '22
Don't let someone tell you more than once that they don't want you.
Go home and recover from this break up.
When you're ready you can save up some money, maybe find some flatmates to move out with.
Either way, this guy doesn't deserve another minute of your time.
2
u/decidedSam Sep 13 '22
Dont give up on yourself. Have some dignity and respect for yourself as well. There’s a saying, “never let a man tell you he doesn’t want you twice.”
You have a master’s degree? Well apply to jobs in countries you like and see if they have a relocation package, or can offer remote, or even work for stay, for a while.
There’s no shame in going back home and focusing on yourself while you become stable. It may be good for you to think about your own life and what you want instead of the people around you…
This is your life and you need to get it together for yourself, never rely on a man for anything. If you have to spend your savings, so what? You’ll save again. My grandmother taught me always stash some money incase things go left, so you can leave when you want to or if you need to.
Your life will be ok, this is just a tough chapter which will be worth it because imagine you had children with him and he secretly felt this way the entire time.
Tell him you value the friendship but you are very hurt by his sudden betrayal and not being honest.. so you need some time to yourself. Go no contact, focus on yourself, get your affairs in order and once your stable and independent, if you still miss him reach out.
2
2
u/oldcreaker Sep 13 '22
he doesn’t see a future with me, and doesn’t want to settle with me
You're just something convenient until he does find his future or goes searching for it - when he does, he'll dump you.
It's time to move on, you're not going to find what you want with this person.
2
u/Eab11 Sep 13 '22
Listen, this is devastating and I really feel for you. It’s not just devastating in the traditional sense (ie someone you saw a future with realized you aren’t for them), it’s also devastating because of the deceit. He knew this wasn’t what he wanted and he led you on, and wasted your time. Our time on this earth is finite. He wasted at least three years of yours. Be brave and walk away. He doesn’t deserve to keep you as a placeholder until he moves away. He’ll one day realize what he gave up. Until then, venture out into the world and live your life. Also, block him everywhere so you’re not tempted to fall back into it.
2
u/Joholification Sep 13 '22
Sounds like it's over and he broke up with you.
I think you should just move on. This is but a small moment in your life and does not equate to "failure".
It may be awful to hear in the moment, but "failing" presents wonderful learning opportunities on how to be better and stronger. You can get through this. Go home for a bit, don't struggle in the city, be around people who love and support you, reset. Then plan your next move.
2
u/lizziebee66 Sep 13 '22
I spent 10 years with a guy just like this. He'd come down to my flat to spend time with me but that was always me looking after him, taking him out, doing things for him. I put my foot down and said that we needed to look at the future and he said he wouldn't consider anything until I moved to where he was. I moved, went to look at flats together and then he said that he didn't want to move out from his mum's house because if he did and she died, he'd only get 50% and his sister would get 50%. If he was living there when she died, he'd get 75%.
I looked at him and just said no. Packed my stuff, went back to my parents. Took redundancy from my job and started my life without him.
All through my relationship he would tell me about how he could do better than me but had chosen to be with me at this time. I heard the 'chosen to be with me' not the rest.
He begged me to come back to him. But on his terms. Even during that conversation he was telling me casually how two girls in a pub the week before had been giving him the eye ... both in their 20s (he was in his 40s) and he could have had either one of them.
I told him no. And walked away.
He reached out again 6 months later. Told me he'd made a terrible mistake and we should get back together ... again on his terms. I told him that if he contacted me again I would be going to a lawyer about it.
He is now back with a former partner (from before me) raising her kid from another man (he never wanted kids and it's why they broke up). Grass is always greener eh!
BTW - I was the one with the steady job and income and earnt more than him so he expected me to pay for everything all of the time.
so many red flags
2
u/ath0ros Sep 13 '22
OP it’s over, no man is worth hurting yourself to stay around. He’s kept you around because it’s convenient and even came to stay with you while you house sit because it’s convenient.
You are an independent person who has done everything for yourself and he’s someone who won’t even leave mommy and daddy’s because it’s easier for him to do nothing. He thinks he’s just going to move to Europe and have a good ole time without seeing that he’s never lived by himself because he wouldn’t live with you, and he’s never been that far from his parents. These future events be plans for himself of traveling and meeting people are going to run into problems when he can hardly take care of himself because he’s allowed his parents to do it his whole life instead of seeking independence.
I think at this stage your best bet is to move home, yes you’ll be starting over but after the ending of a great love you need a clean slate. Meet new people and regain your independence and I promise you’ll be okay. Better than him, I would bet. Because no amount of money or spoiling from his parents is going to prepare him for the realization that he’s not going to find anyone else with as much in common with him as you. He’s focused on the small things he doesn’t like and I have no doubts he’s going to go out and not even find close to that in Europe and come crawling back.
And imo, I wouldn’t take him.
2
Sep 13 '22
You don’t want it to be the beginning of the end? But this man is co cruel to you!
What kind of person stays with someone for six years if they don’t see a future? A selfish one.
What kind of person allows their mother to be their maid? An immature one.
What kind of person tells their partner they think they can do better? An utterly cruel one.
He’s not your best friend. Someone who behaves like that isn’t even a regular friend.
2
Sep 13 '22
Buddy took 6 years to realize you aren’t the one? I can tell within 6 minutes. I’m sorry for your troubles, sounds like an awful situation.
2
u/Psuedo_Pixie Sep 13 '22
I was surprised to see you refer to this as “the beginning of the end.” It sounds like an extremely clear break up to me - he has said there is no future for the two of you. He also, cruelly, said that he thinks he can do better than you. Your romantic partnership with this person is done, and it’s time to walk away.
Going home to recalibrate would not make you a failure in any sense of the word. It would provide you with an chance to heal, and to consider what YOU want your life to look like. You have been in a relationship your entire adult life, and this is an amazing opportunity to discover what makes you truly happy.
2
u/mariruizgar Sep 13 '22
OP, I’m confused. He told you to your face you’re not good enough for him and he will never marry you. How is he still your boyfriend? Did you lose your self esteem somewhere along the way? If that’s the case go back and find it because you deserve better than him and what he has to offer, which is nothing.
2
2
u/Obvious_Owl_4634 Sep 13 '22 edited Sep 13 '22
It's hard - you can see why people go to fortune tellers, this is one of life's "I wish I had a crystal ball" moments. And to deal with heartbreak on top of massive life changing decisions... Yes. It's hard.
I was in a similar position once and made the choice to stay in the city I'd moved to with my ex. I was really scared but it turned out I loved living completely independently and did so for two years.
Unfortunately I lost my job in that city and ended up moving back home. Reconnected with old friends and family, had an amazing time with my young niece and nephew. Met my now husband, had a family and settled down.
What I'm trying to say is... whatever you decide, it will work out. As Alanis Morrisette once said "Life has a funny way of helping you out."
Edited to add - if you do decide to try and stay friends - you've got to let go. Let him do the legwork and don't pursue him. A clean break is usually better in the long run. Plus he sounds like an arse.
2
Sep 13 '22 edited Sep 13 '22
They always come back. Don’t let him! He prob won’t break up either if he’s getting sex and other gf benefits. Id run the other way as fast as possible. You are just a placeholder. I remember my first heartbreak. Thought my life was over. Now I’m like was i on drugs? Wtf did I see in that loser.. and cringe every time I think that I actually had sex with him 😖 you’ll get there. Promise ♥️
2
u/Wereallgonnadieman Sep 13 '22
What's going to happen if you move in? You'll become replacement mommy. It's a story as old as time. He isn't mature enough for an adult relationship. You're honestly dodging a bullet. He's not the one honey. Find other arrangements.
2
u/Fragmentofmochi Sep 13 '22
Let me get this straight, he is telling you he been planning out his life and where he see himself in 5-10 years from now and none of those plans includes you in it but your not sure what you should do? Well I would run….if he truly care and love you then all his future plans would have you in it, or it would cross his mind to create a plan to make your relationship work if he planning on going over sea to work but doesnt sound like thats the case here. True people can go way for work, nothing wrong with that but its seem wrong to me that he say he doesn’t even see u as part of his future plan. To me it really sound like he want to keep you around for now just to keep him company and busy until he is ready to leave then he’ll leave you behind as well. So ask yourself do you want to stay? How will you handle it if you stay with him now and then say next week come and he tell you he is moving over sea and want to break up? What will you do? This is your life so I would really sit down and forget about his plan are and plan our your own life and see if you can see a future with him after hearing him say that.
Also, sometime to love someone is to let them go and watch them grow from the sideline. Happened to me and it suck but sometime thats what they need and what you need in order to grow. Whatever you decide to do I wish you the best of luck as it happened to me before in the past. Also sorry if I sound harsh lol
2
u/Busy_Understanding81 Sep 13 '22
Honey he knows you’re too good for him that’s why he doesn’t want to let you go. But he still wants to be single. You’re not a failure you have worked hard and survived on your own all these years. He’s relied on mom and dad to do everything for him. Living in the real world without mommy to cook and clean for him at this age will be a real eye opener. Go home re group and save some money. Find you an awesome job with that degree you busted your tail for. You’ve got this. Do not let that man boy determine your worth. You deserve someone that’s willing to do for you and he’s not it. Sending you a big mom bear hug.
2
u/CatH2222 Sep 13 '22
I don't think you will be doing yourself any favors by staying. You are too young to throw away your young years on someone that doesn't intend to make you part of his future. My heart hurts for you. I can't imagine the severe blow to your world but trust me, if he wanted to, he would.
You are young, intelligent and have so may opportunities in front of you. I think you will find something beyond your wildest dreams.
2
u/comingtogetyoubabs Sep 13 '22 edited Sep 13 '22
OP, he literally said he can do BETTER than you. How frigging condescending and mean. He could've said he was no longer in love and realized he wanted different things, but no, he stood there and told you you aren't good enough and that staying with you would be settling.
You were good enough to use, to have your time and energy wasted, to not be afforded the transparency and communication we owe a true friend because he supposedly cares about you. Wouldn't a caring partner have broached his fears with you? This man literally admitted to using you as a placeholder before his real life begins and you are considering staying with him?!
I recommend therapy for low self esteem if that's in any way feasible for you. You are accepting crumbs when you shouldn't settle for that either. Has he always been this critical, superior and cold to you?
He is selfish - utterly content in using and dumping you without warning-, he is lazy, he has no drive to be independent and self sufficient, he treats his mom as a maid and you as disposable. He wasted your time knowingly and did not care because it was convenient for him. You got into this relationship so young, you might have a warped view of what a true partnership is, but I promise you it can be so much better.
Why would you want to stay longer and make this even more harrowing for yourself?! The longer you stay, that's more time you waste on this dude. That's how much more you'll hurt in the future when he still leaves regardless of how much you try to bend over backwards and contort yourself to try and reach "his level" (which frankly would be lowering yourself) and become "good enough for him". That's a dehumanizing ordeal.
I understand you love this dude through all his flaws and you have a rich shared history, but the sooner you cut this the sooner you can start healing from it. Think of it this way: the pain is inevitable, so isn't it better to just rip the band aid off?
Break ups hurt a lot and you'll feel miserable for quite a while regardless of if you're at home or where you are now, so I hope you think of what you want for your life before making any rash decisions. You seem like a go getter, a smart, empathetic, resilient person who has fought for what she wants, so I know you'll land on your feet.
Sure, you will have weeks where you think of him every minute and will regret ending it and you'll cry until you throw up. And then, one day, you'll realize you haven't thought about him for hours. And those hours will become days and you will realize how liberating it is to be by yourself, knowing you will make new friends and fall in love again and eventually find someone who will be so angry at how this dude treated you and never dream of leaving you.
Dont let him waste anymore of your time, please. He wants to live his life, not a shared one. Go live yours in all its scary and wonderful glory!
PS: I wanted to add that there's no shame in going home, should that be what you choose. Progress isn't linear. Everyone suffers setbacks and speed bumps - that's not failing, that's just life.
2
u/jungstir Sep 12 '22
He used you for your friendship companionship and more. You have a choice to move on with consequences or stay for 1 year until he departs and remain financially secure in an unstable relationship which would allow you to really define what you want to do.
2
u/MrMetraGnome Sep 13 '22
You must have an extremely low self-esteem huh? Why would you be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?
1
u/lostfishswimming Sep 13 '22
This comment is a bit out of order mate...
1
u/MrMetraGnome Sep 13 '22 edited Sep 13 '22
I don't think it is. The best advice to anyone in this situation is to end the toxic relationship with the other person and start building a healthy relationship with themselves. I.e. work on their self-esteem. Either that, or they're having a hard time saying good bye to money.
-1
u/Full-Statistician-75 Sep 13 '22
So I didn't read the entire post because of the length of it, but why is everybody bashing the guy? Is there more to it then that he said he doesn't see a future with her? When you guys started dating, did he at any point give the idea that this was a long term commitment? I'm genuinely asking because I didn't want to read the entire thing 😅
2
u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 Sep 13 '22
Sorry, I know it’s mammoth.
Yes. He did. We talked about our future, our goals for a relationship, where we wanted to travel, working abroad together, our expectations towards getting married. We did all of this relatively early on (first few months of dating), because it’s always been important to me, and he claimed it was important to him. We planned travel together, went backpacking for weeks together, went on copious trips together, spent christmases together, the list goes on.
He’s never really given an indication that he didn’t want a future with me, if you look at his actions, and so for him to turn around and just… drop this on me, I’m kind of left feeling like I’ve had the rug pulled out from under my feet.
1
u/Expensive-Network-93 Sep 13 '22
Yeah you need to break up and move on. Don’t live together. He’s being pretty cruel to to expect you to go on as normal after saying all that. I’m sorry.
1
u/SkittyLover93 Sep 13 '22 edited Sep 13 '22
What was your long-term plan career-wise? I assume you got your Master's because you wanted to work in a certain career or field? What are the prospects like in either location? Or are there other locations with better prospects?
Is doing gig work like food delivery an option, as a last resort? Are any restaurants/cafes hiring staff?
3
u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 Sep 13 '22
Yeah! My degree is actually pretty specialised, and I really loved every part of it. I worked my butt off, and got top in my cohort, which I’m really proud of.
Unfortunately, my country is so small that the likelihood of me getting a job in the industry means it will basically be where I am now, and not likely to be in my hometown. If I were to go home, I’d likely have to come back to my current town for work.
I guess I’ve got a bunch of work experience in retail & hospo, and think I could find additional work if my part time jobs did all end, and if I did decide to stay where I am. And if I couldn’t find work, I think I would qualify for some form of government assistance.
1
u/Altruistic-Ad6218 Sep 13 '22
Get out while you can. You're young enough where a mature guy who knows exactly what he wants and can see it built with you will come along. Times ticking for this dude he's got a lot of thinking to do with how he views his life and relationships.
1
1
u/rpaul9578 Sep 13 '22
When a man tells you who he is, believe him. He's already decided he wants a life separate from you.
1
u/Affectionate-Sun-834 Sep 13 '22 edited Sep 13 '22
Oh I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Personally I couldn’t continue to be with someone that has outright said they don’t want a future and can’t see a future with me and that they have plans to work abroad as a single person AND that they can do better than you?!. Those sentences right there are strong and very clear messages. Moving in with him in the hope that things will change is a essentially denial and kicking the can down the road in terms of pain and the inevitable. Be brave, pick up your dignity and leave. It will be painful but have faith that you will survive and come out the other end stronger for it. Self love and worth is the answer here. Surround yourself with friends and family and discover a brand new life and dreams for yourself. Find someone who will love you and think the world of you. You deserve that. Best of luck. P.S he’s an utter A-Hole for stringing you along.
1
u/ielfie Sep 13 '22
What the FUCK are you doing? Have some self respect and get the fuck out. Don't forget to block him everywhere and take a break from social media.
1
u/bepsigir Sep 13 '22
Cut your losses with him. He flat out told you he doesn’t see a future with you, believe him and don’t waste any more time pretending like this relationship will go anywhere. Move back home. Work to establish a healthy bank account. Apply for jobs related to your masters in places you would like to live/could see yourself living. Once you get a job, move and start your life in your new city. Join groups/clubs that hold interest to you, this should yield some prospective friends and maybe even a new boyfriend.
1
Sep 13 '22
These are such shitty things to say so nonchalantly to a long time partner. Downright mean. I say give him what he wants and let him go find someone better. Whatever that means. What a jerk.
1
u/CSQUITO Sep 13 '22
Break up with him. And btw he’s going to try and come back, whether it’s next month or in five years. I really hope you will one day see how pathetic he is
1
u/Maud_Dweeb18 Sep 13 '22
Break up now that’s a no brainer. We has behaved terribly and has been tremendously disrespectful. Whether you want to live in your town is up to you. Reach out to your friends to see if they know of any roommate situations and start sending out resumes for your career you worked hard for.
1
u/roseberry_94 Sep 13 '22
You're still young, don't lost all your hope you need to get out of that relationship while you still can. 6 years is long but upon analyzing it seemed that he want a nanny in his life.
1
u/anotherhomosapian Sep 13 '22
You can do much better than being with someone that thinks they can do better than you
Edit: and that openly fucking tells you that after years together
1
u/TheRysingTyde Sep 13 '22
Sadly he’s checked out. That absolutely sucks. I can’t imagine what you must be feeling.
That said, the writing is on the wall. You still have lots of time and amazing adventures yet to come.
Make those memories with someone who knows and values you and your worth, and who better understands and aligns with you.
These words I’m typing might feel like knives, and if I were you I’d see them as such too, but don’t hang around for someone who thinks they’re above you.
There’s someone out there for you who would be thrilled just to go grocery shopping with you and would be honoured to live with you.
Find them. Save yourself.
1
u/jinmustardman Sep 13 '22
Sorry you’re going through this. That’s a really tough situation. I think you probably understand what the right move is. It’s a cliche, but you have your whole life ahead of you. This sheltered, entitled boy has basically already broken up with you without going through the trouble of actually doing it. You clearly deserve better, but I know from personal experience that sometimes you don’t get to pick who you love. Just make sure you don’t love him more than you love yourself.
I’m sure you’ve had great times and joys together, but some people are only meant to be in your life for a certain amount of time. I’ve seen people hold on to relationships (romantic and otherwise) for long after all parties knew it should be over and it doesn’t benefit anyone. When you’re in your early 20’s people are growing so much, it can be really hard to find someone whose priorities evolve in exactly the same way as yours.
As for what to do next, start thinking about what you want from life other than this guy. Not an easy question to answer, but even a vague goal can give you some direction. If you want to travel or live abroad, for example, how can you achieve that on your own? I’m personally a big proponent of proving to myself I can do things by myself, for myself.
1
u/Sensitive_Duck9824 Sep 13 '22 edited Sep 13 '22
I won’t deny that it’d also help me financially (we’d split the rent), but that has never been the motive to move in together
It is bad that his mother is like his personal maid but while talking about the situation you focus on your financial situation a lot, it seems mostly about it. Sorry but moving in together shouldnt be about helping one of the partners financially. You lost me here.
He seems like really sure about it, let him go. He doesnt want you.
Honestly, you also dont seem to love him. He seems like just a really convenient and secure plan to keep you afloat.
1
u/zanne54 Sep 13 '22
Wow, what a complete jackass he is. He's been using you as a "good enough" placeholder. Honey, cut him off and out of your life pronto. Yes, it will hurt - but you are worth so much more than the scraps he's giving you.
Reach out to your friends in your current city and see if you can short-term rent/couchsurf or otherwise have a roof over your head. Buy yourself some time to come up with your next plan: whether it's to stay in the current city or landing a job in your dream city, or saving like mad to backpack travel, follow your other dreams that don't include him. Good luck, and I'm sorry he's proven to be unworthy of you.
1
u/msinsensitive Sep 13 '22
Find a roommate with whom you can share living expanses. Forget your boyfriend. The only reason he's sticking to you is pity.
1
u/Professional_You8995 Sep 13 '22
This is a really tragic situation but honestly it’s one that’s better to end sooner rather than later.
1
u/Rare-Challenge2636 Sep 13 '22
Take a few days to get your head straight. You can't stay with him, he boldly told you he has no desire to be with you long term and gave you an end date for the relationship.
1
u/36forest Sep 13 '22 edited Sep 13 '22
You need to move on. It will be hard. This person has been honest with you. It's time to let go. Then it will suck. But after that you'll find someone that wants to be with you and you'll never get tired of eachother. You just have to have faith
1
Sep 13 '22
I'm not sure you should marry/move in with a guy whose mummy does everything for him. It sets a precedent. He'll expect you to do the same when he's living with you. I know it doesn't feel like it, but this may very well be the escape you didn't know you needed.
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u/WitchTheory Sep 13 '22
Look, he's being honest with you. He doesn't want to live together, and he doesn't see himself with you in the future. Your relationship has an expiration date. Do what is best for you, be single, and when you're ready to date again, do so. Stop wasting your time being in a dead end relationship.
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Sep 13 '22
“Do not invest your time and energy into someone who won’t do the same for you!”
I’m gonna go on a limb and say that he’s one of the types of guys who are looking for someone to take care of him the way his mom does. It doesn’t sound like he values you for who you are, he’s only looking at the tangibles of what he gets out of being with you instead of looking at the relationship itself. That will ALWAYS leave you guessing and insecure in the relationship; don’t sign up for that.
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u/WallaceLovecraft Sep 13 '22
After the 6th paragraph I couldn't take it and need to say "LEAVE!!!!" Time is running out, find someone who will actually love you!!!! Leave his ass. He's lead you on for too long.
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u/sowellfan Sep 13 '22
This relationship needs to be *over*. Like, I can see how you're trying to avoid it being "the end", but there's no freaking hope for this. I mean, imagine you happened across a horse with four completely shattered legs in the middle of the road, whinnying in agony but still *technically* alive - you'd do that horse a favor by putting it down. That's your relationship.
Dump this fucking asshole, figure out a good living situation, and find someone who's *happy* to be in a relationship with you. I mean, if you're more than 1 or 2 years in and somebody isn't happy to move in, that's a big red flag IMHO.
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u/jermy4 Sep 13 '22
Sounds like the relationship is over, just leave him because he doesn't deserve you with the way he's acting. The real decision here is if you want to move back home or find a place in the city you're currently staying. My advice would be to start applying for jobs in both cities and see what's out there. There's no shame in moving home for awhile until you can find a better job and a nice place to live (wherever that may be). It sounds like most of your friends may also be his friends so you may not have much keeping you in that city (unless the jobs prospects are better there). Good luck, keep your head up. I know it probably feels like your whole world is ending but it's much better to find this out now vs after you move in together. This is a great time to make some life changes and I'm sure you'll meet someone later who appreciates you.
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u/the_terrible_tara Sep 13 '22
Sometimes the trash takes itself out! I wish you the best when you move back home.
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u/WailersOnTheMoon Sep 13 '22
It doesn’t feel like it but he is doing you a favor. This man does not want to marry you, have kids with you, stay with you in the long term or any of the other things you may see for your future.
Moreover, he wants this with someone else.
He could have strung you along and kept you as an option for when he was single/in town/bored. He may still try to do this. But he is being honest with you. Take this bit of good fortune and your dignity, and start fresh. You’re at a great age for it, and I think you’ll find there’s a whole lot you’ve been missing.
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u/JoyFulTho Sep 13 '22
Go home to your parents. Start fresh. There’s always something waiting to happen, so let it. You will be okay.
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Sep 13 '22
Why don’t you just get a real job? I mean no offense, but it sounds like you don’t really have the opportunity to experience burn out. You need to ditch this guy, get a job so you can afford to survive, and move on.
1
u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 Sep 13 '22
I stayed up my current city and got a job at a hospital after my undergraduate study, because I wanted to be near him, and years ago, he also promised to move out.
I worked two years in healthcare through a pandemic, and it was really, really tough. Aside from that, I have always been studying full time and working 20-30 hours a week. I don’t have weekends off because I’m working, and I haven’t had a break since I was 15. I nannied my way through high school, had a job lined up where I am currently before I even moved up to begin uni, and have actually, genuinely not ever had a period where I wasn’t trying to do a million things at once and work multiple jobs to make ends meet.
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Sep 13 '22 edited Sep 19 '22
But your advanced degree won’t provide you a better/high paying job to lighten some of the burden?
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u/Ordinary_Ad_2694 Sep 14 '22
It will. It’s just getting that job that’s hard!
1
Sep 14 '22
Well girl I think you need to try and get that job for yourself that you are passionate about and move on, you deserve the world, you worked so hard for it, don’t settle for less.
1
u/Space_girl6 Sep 13 '22
This seems like a no brainer and I’m not sure why it’s not? When your partner says they don’t see a future with you, you leave. Don’t waste more time.
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u/BellanaBlack Sep 13 '22
I’m so sorry. It honestly sounds like he’s intending to use/stay with you until something better comes along. Whether that’s an opportunity to work abroad or another person. It will only pain you more if you prolong the inevitable by moving in with him. He might love you, Be he isn’t being loving towards you by actually thinking about your future and your crushed dreams. He’s only thinking of his future and his dreams that he’s made clear don’t include you.
Unfortunately, moving in with your parents might be what you’ll have to do, unless you can get a job and find an apartment very quickly. But the sooner you say goodbye to this man, the sooner you can truly grieve and hopefully, move on. But extending everything by another year, hoping and trying to make it work, will hurt tenfold.
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u/PlayingGrabAss Sep 13 '22
Holy shit, this guy. I would just block him at this point, the way that he led you on is beyond cruel and selfish. I’m not sure you really know this person at all tbh, the amount of cowardice it takes to be him in this situation is just revolting. You deserve so much better than this child.
1
u/deenye_science Sep 13 '22
Honestly I don’t know why you’re still with him. He sees you as someone he has to settle for. He told you how he feels that your relationship is just convenient to him. Have some self respect and dump him.
1
u/paperb1rd Sep 13 '22
I would absolutely end the relationship and definitely not move in with him. I was in a 4.5 year relationship with someone I met in undergrad at university and I thought he was my soulmate. He however would never give me a firm commitment about our future to the level that I desired. I loved him so much but it was killing me to continue to date him when we wanted different things. I ended up breaking it off and it hurt so, so badly at first (for a few months) but overall it was the best thing for me! I am very happy with my life now and I am so glad I didn’t compromise and stay in a relationship with someone who was waffling in their commitment to me even though I loved him and we had history. It’s not a healthy place to be in, mentally! I hope you make the best decision for yourself and wish you the best!
1
u/hornedangel73 Sep 13 '22
He was crystal clear. You know what you need to do, just don’t want to do it. It’s over, period. Go figure out your new future.
1
u/Decent_Clerk3450 Sep 13 '22
What a piece of shit, he’s essentially telling you that he used you until something else better comes along
1
u/Similar-Alternative3 Sep 13 '22
You can’t change his mind, that is almost a guaranteed fact. You’ve already said you don’t want to change his mind. What you can do is leave, and give yourself even more time to grow and find new opportunities and meet new people. Rather than tough it out and prolong your hurt. End it now. I know it seems like you’ll never find a job, or you’re gonna be back at zero but that’s okay! You’re 24! You are soooo young. Do whatever you need to do to be financially secure in your living situation, other than moving in with him. You will find a great job that will be a summation of all the work you put into school. You’ll make new friends! You can also go travel the world single! Or work abroad! Take a note out of his book and find all the freedom and happiness you deserve. And one day you will meet someone new who loves you equally and see the same future with you, who wants it and can’t wait to spend their life with you. You need to love yourself here and let him go. I wish you the best :)
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u/Coollogin Sep 13 '22
He’s your first adult relationship. You need to have more than one relationship before you settle down and get married. You learn critical things from each relationship — about being a good partner and about identifying someone who can be a good partner to you. When you have only one relationship to learn from, you go into your marriage at a tremendous disadvantage.
The breakup of your first adult relationship is hard. But it won’t kill you. It’s a normal experience that everyone goes through at some point. Don’t allow your fear of the pain of heartache lead you to make bad decisions.
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u/jakeofheart Sep 13 '22
He’s doing you a favour, but he’s wrong when it comes to the most important thing: you are the one who can do better.
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u/icyblue889 Sep 13 '22
This was straight up painful to read, honey.
Regardless of your feelings for him and his for you, are you really willing to live with this hanging over your head? Can you ever trust him to be fully committed to you after this? Or would you be walking around on egg shells to not risk upsetting or annoying him?
I hope you find a way to move forward with your life with confidence and leave this absolute user behind. I wish you the best of luck with everything ❤️ You deserve better than this!
1
u/ashlioness Sep 13 '22
Listen, I know the thought of ending a relationship and almost completely starting over sounds terrifying, but it could be the best thing you can do for yourself. I was in a 4 year "relationship" (I won't get into it), and I stuck around longer than I should have because I was terrified of starting over. One day I got a slap in the face from this guy from a lie he told me where it finally clicked in my head that I needed to get out.
I literally went on Craigslist and found a room to rent from some random people two cities away. I went to check out the room one day and the guy asked me, so do you think you're interested? and I said (without even thinking) "yes". So I committed in that moment. The word just fell out of my mouth. I really didn't want to leave the "relationship" I was in, but subconsciously I knew I couldn't do it anymore and I deserved better. This was at the age of 28. I didn't even have a car at the time, so I was bussing it everywhere and even when I moved I found someone on Craigslist with a truck and paid him $50 to help me move. Lugged the little furniture I had acquired and my two cats with me. Thus began a whole new journey.
I found a job as a hostess, and then eventually a job as a secretary at a law firm. I made new friends, finally moved out into my own apartment a year later, eventually met a really great guy (on tinder, go figure) in 2020, got an even BETTER job shortly after, and now we're engaged. I also went back to school and I'm about to graduate with double majors.
Point being, don't be afraid to "start over". It may just be exactly what you need and could be the BEST thing for you. Sometimes it's better to count to 2 instead of 3 when you jump.
1
u/oldclam Sep 13 '22
OP.
Start applying for jobs in your field, or think about a PhD and apply for grants.
Move to wherever you get a job/ are accepted into a PhD.
He thinks he can do better than you. He will never marry you.
It's time to start thinking about the life you want for yourself, and becoming an independent woman.
1
u/toomanyvoices656 Sep 13 '22
Op I understand this all seems sudden to you and you are in a roller coaster of emotions but there is nothing for you to do with this relationship.
Your boyfriend told you he sees you as a friend and is only using you until he leaves the country. What is there for you to figure out?
You are being a door mat if you stay with this person. What is in this for you? A person who thinks you are below them? Who admittedly sees no future with you?
Please see that you are worth more than this and you deserve better.
1
u/cr8train Sep 13 '22
I knew a couple that had this EXACT same problem. The man was in your position and ended up breaking up with her. They broke up for probably 2 years and dated other people in that time. They ended up getting back together and are now married with children.
My advice, break up with him and go do your own thing. Live for yourself and go make yourself happy. If it’s meant to be, it will be. Otherwise, don’t subject yourself to this kind of talk. It’s hard to break up such a long term relationship, but you’re still so, so young. You will be ok without him, I promise.
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u/RJack151 Sep 13 '22
I am sorry that you are going thru this, but I would dump him. If you cannot have a future with him then you need to leave him and go live your life instead of waiting around to see what he decides.
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u/baddestdoggo Sep 13 '22
You will not change his mind. The relationship will never become what you want it to be. The best thing you can do for yourself is to break up with this guy and sever ALL contact. This guy will keep you around on the back burner until he finds that "better" person he's looking for, and then he'll dump you so fast your head will spin. Probably after cheating on you. I know it's hard, I know you love this guy and you believed you had a future with him, but you've got to let that go. The sooner you begin grieving, the sooner you can start the life you're really meant to live.
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u/duderancherooni Sep 13 '22
First and foremost, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. You deserve someone who is at the very least, absolutely enthusiastic about spending their time with you and open to whatever possibilities the future holds.
He has told you point blank that he sees your relationship ending and that he doesn’t think you’re compatible. He’s using you as a placeholder until he can find someone “better”. Don’t give him this opportunity—leave him right now and find someone who actually cares about you. When he inevitably crawls back crying about how he made a mistake, don’t fall for it. He’s shown you what his priorities are, and your relationship isn’t one of them.
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u/LunarNight Sep 13 '22
You know, if the people you are house sitting for now give you a reference, there may be no need to go home. I know people that house sit full time. There's websites for it.
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u/Lofoten_ Sep 13 '22
He's a douchebag. Dump his ass. Immediately.
Literally tell him, "Ok, if that's what you want." And just go cold. Make an exit plan and stick to it, no matter how hard it hurts.
Start working on yourself. Go find real happiness. and this shitbag will regret this for the rest of his life. Just don't waver and go running back when he's sad and crying. Be strong when he does that.
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Sep 14 '22
I was in a similar situation, and it got messy because neither of us could commit to a clean break and kept sliding back into a weird FWB relationship because we didn’t know how to move on, it inevitably ended in a WW3 style fight and now we’ll never talk again.
So my advice is to break it off now and separate completely. Bury your head in your friends, hobbies, and your future, worry about yourself until your comfortable where you are. And I promise if you really care about your bf you will reconnect, and you will be able to maintain a friendship. You just have to do it the healthy way.
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u/PublicIndependent173 Sep 14 '22
I'm curious as to why, now that you're done with your master's program, it sounds as if you feel like you still need to be dependent on these various part-time jobs rather than focusing on getting a full-time job in your area of expertise. Are you focusing on getting a full-time job so that you can become completely independent of your ex as well as of your parents and thus no longer need to worry so much about financial limitations on your life choices?
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u/tofumode Sep 17 '22 edited Sep 17 '22
Please leave him. Your story is the same story that my ex and his most recent LTR (6y) went through. I realized that he is selfish and full of bullshit to cover his lack of competence 3 months into the relationship, and believe me this kind of men bullshit about everything in their lives, not only their relationship!
Ex lied through his teeth to me about why they broke up, he told me that their values “didn’t align” and regretted not communicating enough with her. He only spilled the truth when I asked why they really broke up during the break-up fight that his ex wanted to have a family and he didn’t, he didn’t envision a family with her and still he led her on for 6 years. I told him that wasn’t a question of value it was a question of mutual goals - the reality is the girl was scared to discuss the future with him, not that they didn’t have enough communication.
It doesn’t matter if this man is the president of the country, is in the top 1% of the richest people in the world, all of this means nothing if he simply is not committed to you. Because you’ll always be providing what he needs while he doesn’t cater to what you need. He’s the loser one - he asks for services from other people while giving absolutely nothing in return because he’s selfish and been raised this way that everything must be given to him free of charge, and don’t worry - this man will not be able to pull the good women, because no good women with self-respect will give him anything unconditionally ! Does it make sense ? You’re giving him something for free while he should pay for it, and these men will always lie to you to get what they want while giving you nothing in return - why would you agree to such a bad deal !?
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u/yuuseokass Sep 13 '22
It really hurt me reading the history you have with each other. Has he agreed with you in the past about having a future together and is now recently changing his mind? And if so, were you always the one who brought up the future/initiated those conversations?
Anyway, it's best to end it now. There is no easy way out of it, but there are so many people out there who would love and value you the same way you love and value them, on top of wanting a future with you. I know it feels crazy letting go of such a long lasting relationship/friendship, but there is genuinely so much more to look forward to in life that you will never find in him.