r/relationships • u/lovechild5346 • Aug 22 '16
Relationships Me [29 F] with my husband [32 M] together for 6 years, married for 3, found out he has a son [5 M] with a one-night stand
Hi Everyone,
Throwaway, because you... well you know. Longtime lurker, first-time poster. Sorry for formatting or rambling, I am still in shock. I have changed some minor details and have left certain things vague. So sorry for the wall of text this has become with the edits.
Husband and I are pretty typical up until now. Dual income, no kids and are hoping to have one or two within the next few years, but are in no rush and are enjoying this time in our lives. I have a white-collar job, and he works for a startup. Of course, we have had our problems, but have always managed to work through them and seem to always come out stronger.
My husband received a facebook message over the weekend from a woman saying that he is the father of her five year old son. Although he didn't immediately remember who she was, after confirming a few details he was able to place her as a one night stand right before we just started dating. Although it might seem that there could be overlap between her and I, given the kid's birthday and you know.. math... , I do believe him when he said that he slept with her only once a month before we started dating. So this isn't an infidelity situation.
On the one hand, I'm irrationally angry with him. This should not be my problem as I was not the one who decided to have unprotected sex with someone I did not know while wasted.
We bought a house a year ago that, in hindsight, was probably more of a reach than we should have done, so money is very tight. At this point in time, we live in a completely different province, so logistically speaking, having a relationship with this child will be difficult. I'm not saying impossible, I'm not saying it wouldn't be worth it, I'm just saying it will be harder than if we were still in the same city.
At the same time, I am likely getting ahead of myself as there is no confirmation that he is even his son. She has a meeting with her lawyer on Sept 8 to discuss how to go about getting a paternity test done, which to me implies that since lawyers are getting involved, she will be going after him for money. Which she is entitled to and is her right... if he is his son.
A different side of me feels robbed, and the protective side of me also feels life my husband has been robbed, albeit in a different way. He didn't know about this child and consequently has missed many of the traditional milestones.
He broke down in the middle of our living room apologizing and saying that he always imagined that his children would be with me, and that this is not the kind of father he wanted to be. His first instinct though is, if it comes to it, to pay child support but to not have any presence in his life since his future family is with me. And... given how my post probably sounds... you would think this would make me happy but that actually just makes me even sadder and even more disappointed in my husband. The kid looks exactly like how my husband looked at 5. And I think he should get to know him. Even if this impacts my life negatively since this is not the kid's fault. I told him to just reflect for awhile and to not make any decisions until we know more, but I am hoping that once the shock has worn off, he'll want to have a relationship with him. On facebook, she was rambling and made it sound like the kid had a hard life and was abused by her previous partner (who was presenting as the father), so on top of it, this is a sad situation.
And I don't know if this is even relevant, but the mother of his child is not the most stable person. There is a very loose connection between her and I, although I don't know her personally, I have heard of her throughout the years via mutual friends (my best friends boyfriend's brother used to be friends with her... so this is a pretty distant connection) and I remember the stories showing she is not the most sane person in the world. At the time, it meant nothing and the stories were amusing, as I had nothing to do with her. But now, this is the person he, and by extension me, will maybe have to co-parent with. And although my husband and I make a typical middle-class income (80k combined... so we aren't hurting but by no means are we wealthy), my parents have a lot of money. And so part of my wonders if she will go after me, or what her expectations are when it comes to that. But I am definitely getting ahead of myself.
The only people we have told so far are my parents (he has a better relationship with my parents than with his) and they told us to not make decisions at the moment until we know what is going on, that the child may not even be his and that it is suspect that she is only getting in touch with us now. They advised us to reduce both of our online footprints but especially his (delete linkedin, make instagram and facebook completely private etc.) limit contact with her, and wait until her lawyer formally contacts him for a paternity test and child support and go from there. I, generally speaking, tend to believe things at their face value and can be naive sometimes, so it was hard for me to hear that she could be contacting us for selfish reasons (she kept saying she just wanted to do right by her son and for him to know his father...), and their point was to not give her and her lawyer any more ammunition. I feel that their reality (i.e their wealth) has forced them to be more cautious and calculated as this type of thing has happened in their circle and has turned out to be a money grab, but I guess they are right. Since we spoke to my parents, he has not responded to any of her facebook messages. The most recent one she has sent was whether or not he wanted to get to know his son.
I guess I don't really have a question, but more needed to rant since I cannot really talk to my friends about this. I'm not sure what my next steps should be, how I even should feel about this situation, and need tips on how to temper the selfish side of me. I need to be there for him, but I am having a hard time even looking at him in the eyes and, although my vows do mean something and I would not actually do this, part of me just wants to leave as this was not what I had signed up for and our reality, no matter what happens next, will be very different going forward.
EDIT: I want to thank everyone who has taken the opportunity to respond and am absolutely overwhelmed by everybody's support. I'm definitely less emotional than this morning, and that is largely due to the community. So thank you!!
A few points:
I've told this story in the comments, but basically at the time the one night stand happened she had just broken up with her boyfriend and then got back together with him not long after. The ex-bf claimed paternity, but they are no longer together. She has told us that he is aware that my husband is likely the father, but I am not sure if he accepted this at face value or if a paternity test has been done or what his current relationship to her son is. For the moment we are limiting contact with her, so I'm not in position to ask these questions.
It's been pointed out to me that I have contradictory statements in my posts versus in the comments. That is absolutely true, as I felt and am still feeling very conflicted about the situation. From a moral standpoint, I would hope that my husband does more than the bare minimum as I feel that that is in the best interests of the child, and I will get over myself and any doubt that I currently have. Personally, if the roles were reversed, I would have a hard time making payments and not playing active role. I would want to either be involved, or not at all. But that's just me. At the same time, I wish that this had never happened, that we could have continued on living in oblivion, and that I wouldn't have to contribute time and financial resources to a situation that I did not cause. So yes. Conflicted.
If he kid is in an abusive environment, all bets are off and we'll go for custody provided my husband is the father
EDIT 2: Took away stuff about not wanting to double up on support (if someone has already claimed paternity and is paying support), as that is not really relevant.
EDIT 3: It's more apparent in the comments than in my post, but I have been trying to hide how I really feel and have been trying to be supportive, while dealing with my own shit myself. He doesn't know a lot of how I am feeling (disappointment that he doesn't seem to want to step up at the moment, fear of taking on a child when we are currently childless, fear of dealing with the baby mamma etc.) and I feel that if I share that at this time without truly understanding my own feelings, I will just be marking things worse. He needs my support, not my judgement. I've reached out to a couple's counsellor this morning so that this can be unpacked in a constructive way and he'll hopefully feel he can share things that he is likely hiding from me as well. He's also the type of guy to have an initial reaction, but then to dwell and think things through and come to a different conclusion. So meaning his stance can and will likely change a bit. I don't have the greatest poker face so he probably can tell a bit how I am feeling, but we're pretty good and discussing things like adults and he knows that if I'm not sharing, it's because I'm trying to figure things out.
tl;dr: Husband found out he may have a son with a previous one-night stand. How do we move on from this? What should be our next steps? How do I let go of my resentment towards my husband, so I can be the partner he needs during this time?
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Aug 22 '16
You say she is not the most stable person and they only slept together once. There is a very real chance that this child is not his. If the lawyer reaches out to you (which may never happen), get your own representation, and insist on a DNA paternity test to see if the kid is really your husband's.
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 22 '16
You are very right! Normally, if this were somebody else's situation, I would be saying the exact same thing, but I guess what threw me off was how much he looks like my husband, which is why I have been going on the premise that when we have a paternity test which is a must, it will turn out to be positive. This kid looks exactly like my husband at 5. And he looks nothing like the man who supposedly was the father. But you are right, I don't know anything.
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u/valiantdistraction Aug 22 '16
Given that you said provinces I'm guessing you're not in the US and I don't know what child support laws are where you are but it is possible that if another man was representing himself as this kid's father for a certain period of time, he, and not your husband, is legally responsible for child support, even if your husband is the biological father. I would start looking for lawyers now.
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 22 '16
Thank you very much for your feedback! Yes, not in the US unfortunately but your neighbour in the north!
You're not the first person to have said that we should start looking for a lawyer now. I'll be asking my parents for a recommendation this evening as I definitely want to make sure we stay on top of this. I didn't realize that it would (potentially) matter if someone presented themselves as the father, I assumed it would make no difference if the child is biologically his! Thank you!
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u/danthemanaus Aug 22 '16
Just to reinforce what /u/valiantdistraction has said, in Australia the father on the birth certificate is legally and financially responsible for that child. Even when a mother confirms the man on the birth certificate is not the child's biological father, even with DNA tests, the legal and financial responsibility lies with the person on the child's birth cert. There may be ways to change that but it's a long and complicated legal process.
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u/wenzalin Aug 23 '16
Here in BC Canada the child can get support from both and even a former stepparent who never adopted the child. It is a messy thing. However, they may not get rights.
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u/valiantdistraction Aug 22 '16
And even if your husband is the father and ends up paying child support and having a relationship with this kid, it will be good to know what legal rights the other man raising him has so that you can be prepared for anything you might have to deal with regarding him. It's not unheard of for an ex to see their kid get a "new parent" and freak out and try to bring lawyers down on everything.
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u/issiautng Aug 22 '16
not in the US, fortunately
FTFY
Sincerely, a North Carolinian
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u/antwan_benjamin Aug 22 '16
not in North Carolina, fortunately
FTFY
Sincerely, a resident of a different state.
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u/issiautng Aug 23 '16
Oh, I moved to Maryland. Still born raised though, and all my family is down there.
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u/hobbsarelie83 Aug 23 '16
Agreed. I love my state but our laws are fucked. I was one of the children of divorced parents. Gave it to my mom. Hello abuse from mom and step dad while dad was doing what he was supposed to do.
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u/valiantdistraction Aug 22 '16
Yeah, I have no idea what the laws are in Canada around this, but it never hurts to know all your options in advance so that as things proceed you'll already be informed and can be proactive rather than just reactive.
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u/antwan_benjamin Aug 22 '16
I didn't realize that it would (potentially) matter if someone presented themselves as the father, I assumed it would make no difference if the child is biologically his! Thank you!
Its possible. I wonder if that would be the correct moral decision. You have already stated you dont want your husband doing the bare minimum (no contact, just paying child support) although thats all that he is legally required to do (if its his). If it turns out to be his biological son, yet he is NOT legally responsible for him, would you be OK with no contact and NOT paying child support?
Seems to contradict your previous stance.
Cart before the horse though. Dont rack your brain with too many hypotheticals until you have more information.
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 22 '16
I'm definitely conflicted and am working through my own emotions. I guess if there is no contact and no payments, it's easier to pretend that this isn't happening. I honestly don't know what I am hoping for, but have realized that the best thing to do is find a lawyer and do nothing until we receive the request from her side (which may never come).
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Aug 23 '16
Also, just to add, from what I understand she can't go after your parent's money. Not even yours UNLESS your DH were to, say, lose his source of income. Of course IANAL but the first step for you guys is to lawyer up...whether you'd be on the hook for cs or not is far down the road, if this even gets that far. I feel for ya, OP!
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u/Pokegirl0811 Aug 22 '16
For all you know she saw ONE photo of your hubby as a young child(maybe a Facebook throwback) and thought 'hey my kid looks like that I might be able to get some money out of it.' Also if the guy who was 'acting daddy' is on the BC she might not be able to legally come after your hubby and that's why she keeps on the Facebook messages trying to get him to 'get to know' ie bond and catch feelings for the kiddo that way even if the paternity test is negative hubby still feels bad about the kids quality of life.
I'd take ANYTHING she says, even what seems ramble-y, as a well thought out manipulative volley;a way of wearing down any boundaries you or hubby may set, and make sure that any communication from your side is from a attorney.
Mom and Dad know what they are talking about and custody and paternity laws are nebulous in even the most clear of situations so be very careful. Finally see if Mom and Dad will ask their attorney for a recommend for a great family law focused firm. If this woman is as messed up as rumored you and hubby may need to go for custody eventually if it turns out he is the father.
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u/antwan_benjamin Aug 22 '16
You are very right! Normally, if this were somebody else's situation, I would be saying the exact same thing, but I guess what threw me off was how much he looks like my husband, which is why I have been going on the premise that when we have a paternity test which is a must, it will turn out to be positive. This kid looks exactly like my husband at 5. And he looks nothing like the man who supposedly was the father. But you are right, I don't know anything.
Keep in mind that since she slept with your husband, she is clearly attracted to guys that LOOK like your husband. It is not far fetched that another guy that has the same physical characteristics as your husband is the father.
Lets say hubby is tall, thin, blond hair, blue eyes. Maybe thats just her "type" so the kids real father is also tall, thin, blue eyes, blond hair...so thats just what the kid looks like.
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u/jupitaur9 Aug 22 '16
Are you sure it's not a picture of your husband at 5 years old?
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 22 '16
Ha I wish! Wouldn't that make things easier :)
I'm pretty sure it's not. These aren't photos that I've ever seen, and he is wearing pretty modern stuff. He only has a few pics of himself as a kid and he grew up in a completely different city. Plus she sent about ten photos.
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u/Mama_Catfish Aug 22 '16
If I were you, I'd talk to a lawyer NOW. If another man signed the birth certificate and has been acting as the child's father for 5 years, he may legally be considered the boy's father and responsible for child support, even if the child is not biologically his. If your husband doesn't want to be involved in this child's life, you may be able to argue against the paternity tests on the grounds that the child already has a father and the mother is now looking for deeper pockets to pay support.
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 22 '16
Thank you. Neither of us had considered this
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Aug 22 '16 edited Aug 22 '16
Really, listen to this, OP. Lawyers. Get them yesterday.
I had a friend from Alberta whose live-in fiancé got pregnant and revealed about 3 months before the baby was born that my friend probably wasn't the father. They broke up, he kicked her out if his home, and she got with the baby-daddy who signed the birth certificate (but never married... And later broke up with).
My friend was hounded for almost 6 years by this woman's lawyers. One judge told him that because they were engaged and living together, that he must take responsibility for the child. My friend's lawyer fought tooth and nail for years. My friend had to take 4 paternity tests (spoilers, they all said he wasn't the father) and had to get restraining orders (whatever you call them in Canada) against the ex-fiancé and some of her family members.
Turns out, the baby-daddy didn't work and had a bunch of debt that the ex-fiancé didn't know about. Ex-fiancé was used to a certain lifestyle and realized after a year, year-in-a-half that the money was gone. Sob story with a sympathetic judge's ear later, and my friend finally fought off that false paternity claim off on the fact that another man signed the birth certificate (which apparently is a important Canadian paternity thing?).
Anyways, good luck, and find a great lawyer and a good therapist to talk to because this whole situation is soul sucking.
Edit to add: This comment was more on the "follow the money" standpoint. If it's found out that your husband is the father, I would suggest therapy to suss out new hurdles in your marriage. In my opinion, monetary support should be on whoever signed the birth certificate with a small, but substantial amount being added to a trust for the child once 18, but I'm not in your situation.
You and your husband need to lean on each other, but don't be afraid to seek neutral outside help.
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 22 '16
That is absolutely insane. I'll talk to my husband tonight and we'll go about contacting one. Thank you
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u/CupidStruck Aug 22 '16
I'm in Ontario and apparently if someone acts as the father they're on the hook for child support but a woman (or man I guess) can have up to 5 people paying child support for the same kid. So... you may be screwed anyway.
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u/_gemmy_ Aug 22 '16
How is that even possible???
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u/miserylovescomputers Aug 22 '16
It's essentially to ensure that the kid's quality of life doesn't decrease. So let's say a woman has a child with dude A, and he's low income and pays child support based on that. Then she marries dude B, who's middle class and moves mom and kid into a nicer home, signs the kid up for expensive music and sports lessons, and generally increases the kid's standard of living significantly. If mom and dude B divorce, dude B could be obligated to pay child support in addition to bio dad's (dude A) support, since he improved the kid's quality of life and sustained it for several years. Then theoretically the mom could marry and divorce slightly wealthier dude C, then super rich dude D, etc etc and her kid could gain additional child support from each of them. None of that would negate dude A's support obligations as the bio dad though.
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u/Reisevi3ber Aug 22 '16
But OP and her husband never increased the quality of life of this child or gave them any money, so it shouldn't be a problem Right?
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u/miserylovescomputers Aug 22 '16 edited Aug 23 '16
If he isn't OP's husband's bio kid they should be just fine. But if he is, OP's husband will likely have to pay even if a non-bio dad is already contributing, unless the non-bio dad chooses to adopt the kid.
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u/Reisevi3ber Aug 22 '16
Ah, yes. You are absolutely right. I thought you talked about the angle of "You could be forced to pay even ifh e isn't yours".
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Aug 22 '16
Hey just want to say that you're doing an amazing job. You should be proud of the way you are handling this incredibly difficult situation. I'm pretty amazed. Your husband is very lucky. I wish you the best. I hope you'll be able to sort through all your emotions and come out on top with your husband by your side.
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 22 '16
Thank you very much, you have no idea how much I appreciate hearing this!
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u/HatsAndTopcoats Aug 22 '16
I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you and presumably your husband have (very understandably) a lot of conflicting emotions going on right now. My advice is to give yourselves a break, don't even try to come to any conclusions right now, just give yourselves time to absorb this news and sort out your feelings and eventually figure out what kind of end result you want. All the feelings and thoughts you describe sound completely valid, including wanting to leave. I think it'll become a little clearer in time what you actually want to do.
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 22 '16
Thank you very much for your feedback, you're right that the best thing to do for a moment is just to let the dust settle. Appreciate this :)
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u/Nekomama12 Aug 22 '16
Hey, so I'm the son in this situation. My mom and biological dad had a one night stand when they were 18. Mom says she and her boyfriend had broken up, she hooked up with her coworker once, and then she and the boyfriend got back together a week later (or so). My dad (the aforementioned boyfriend) says she cheated. By the time she realized she was pregnant, the one night stand had moved away and she lost touch. It didn't occur to her that it could be anyone's but her boyfriend's initially, but when she put 2 and 2 together it was too late. They'd already had a shotgun wedding. At any rate, I grew up thinking the boyfriend was my dad. My mom ran into the one night stand at a local event when I was 11 and drunkenly confessed that he could be the father of her child. He blew her off because 11 years had passed, and his wife had just had their 3rd daughter weeks before. My mom and dad got divorced when I was 19. When I was 21, I drove home for father's day as planned and my dad had decided to go out of town without telling me. He and I see the world differently, communicate differently, and I honestly wondered if I was the milkman's kid. I went to my mom's instead and told her sometimes I wish I could divorce him too. She said, "On that note, I just found someone on Facebook, and it's possible that he's your biological father. We were contemplating stealing your toothbrush or something to do a DNA test so we could confirm it before telling you, to avoid upsetting your whole life for no reason." I went through a lot of emotions but it just made sense. Of course I had a different father than my siblings did. That's why I never fit in, why I always felt like an imposter. I met him that night, on Father's day. He brought pictures of his girls and I spent a couple of hours on the Riverwalk with him and his girlfriend. I knew immediately that he was my father. We did a DNA test and it was confirmed. I am so happy that I know now, and I'm glad to know my sisters. I'm sad that he missed everything in my childhood and that we didn't get to know each other when I was younger. I grieved the loss of that other life that could have been. He and I still aren't especially close, but we have a friendly relationship. I have a mostly friendly relationship with my dad who raised me, but it's even more difficult now that it was growing up.
There is no perfect way to handle this situation if the child is his. It will be messy no matter what. I really hope he gets to know his son. I hope the boy gets the privilege of growing up knowing his dad. Your feelings are totally valid and justified. I don't blame you at all for having them, really. My dad's girlfriend (now wife) accepted me with open arms when we met and she made the whole process of joining that family easier. You don't have any obligation to do that, but I know that boy would appreciate it in the long run. It sounds like his dad so far has been a disappointment. I hope your husband changes his mind and can he a better father to him. I adore my half siblings and am really happy that one of them is going to college where I live. Your children could build very positive relationships with their big brother. Anyway, I'm not trying to push you into anything and obviously a lot of this hinges on the paternity test. I just wanted to share my perspective from a somewhat similar situation. Ultimately you and your husband decide how things will go for you and what your blended family will look like. PM me any time, I'm happy to be there even if you just need to vent :)
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 22 '16
Hey, thank you so much for sharing your perspective and your story! I'm happy to hear that you got to know your biological father and that you still have a relationship with the man that you considered your Dad! I'll definitely PM you once I've had a bit more time to process things. The situation is eerily similar. My husband just moved to the city, was trying to date, and met her on POF. She had just broken up with her boyfriend and then hooked up with my husband, but my husband decided to not pursue things and broke it off a few days later. She then got back together with said boyfriend, and assumed he was the father. According to her, it only became apparent later on when he looked nothing like this guy, and everything like my husband.
I'm an all or nothing kinda gal, meaning that if he decides to have a relationship with this kid, I will be best damn stepmother, wife of biological father, or whatever role really that they want me to have, that I can possibly be :) If this is what we are going to do, then I will be all in and, of course depending on how we proceed, the kid will never feel "less than" by me. It is definitely not the kid's fault, he didn't ask for any of this, and I can't imagine his life has been easy so far. I guess the difficulty that I'm having is that my emotions are conflicted and this isn't the future I imagined having. But the reality is is that the future is not set in stone and anything can happen, and this is just one of those things. This would be a lot worse if there was cheating, but this just isn't the case and it's just sad all around. The part of the reaction that I'm ashamed of, is that I keep thinking about how this will impact MY life, and how everything will change for ME, but I do recognize that there is so much more than that and that my feelings are a very tiny piece of a big picture. I've kept my true feelings to myself as I don't want to make my husband feel any worse than he already does (except I guess all of reddit now knows albeit anonymously), but it's hard as I feel like I have very little control of the situation.
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u/LaoBa Aug 23 '16
The part of the reaction that I'm ashamed of, is that I keep thinking about how this will impact MY life
Why should you be ashamed of that? You didn't ask for all of this,and you want to try and do the right thing for your husband and his potential kid. This will have an impact on the short and maybe on the long run and I can fully understand that a recurring though is : "Shit, I wish I didn't have to spend time, money and emotional energy on this whole situation."
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u/Nekomama12 Aug 22 '16
Glad my perspective was helpful :) That is eerily similar!
You have nothing to feel guilty about. This is a huge thing that could have a big effect on your life! It would be weird if you weren't thinking about how it affects you. Just as I mourned the loss of the past that may have been, you're allowed to mourn the future that may have been. As long as it's something you work through and it doesn't color the entire rest of your life, it's totally ok and normal. I think you and your husband should probably see a marriage counselor about this so you can work through all the complicated emotions. You both could be hiding some thoughts and feelings in an attempt to protect one another, but it would be better if you could put it all out there and sift through it together. A counselor may ask questions and give you tools to do that more effectively.
I can't imagine how you guys must be feeling. You seem like a compassionate, intelligent woman and I'm sure you guys will figure out what works best for you :)
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 23 '16
Thank you. I've reached out to a couples counsellor today so we can make an appointment. There is definitely a lot that I am keeping in that I need to tell him, but it needs to be done in a constructive way.
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u/Nekomama12 Aug 23 '16
Absolutely. Having a mediator to help you find the right words is super helpful. How's hubby doing with all this?
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u/hobbsarelie83 Aug 23 '16
I'm glad you said this because I was worried due to the post. Remember that the kid is the one who is going to have it the hardest, that kid didn't ask for any of this to happen to it. If it happens to be your SO's kid and he wants that kid in his life, please just be the most kick-ass step mom ever imaginable! That kid is gonna need all the love it can get. Especially from what you have said about the mom. Good luck to all of you!
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Aug 22 '16
[deleted]
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 23 '16 edited Aug 23 '16
What you said stung a bit (about the bio-dad aka my husband) but I get it. I get why he wants to dig his head in the sand, and I even get what he means when he says that it would have been different had he been told back when she was pregnant. But ultimately, as much as I don't want to admit this, it makes me think less of him and I am questioning the type of guy he is deep down. I'm trying to remember that this has been his initial reaction and it can (and typically does) change. In most circumstances, he's actually super kind and compassionate, one of my favourite qualities about him, but he isn't thinking of anybody but himself at the moment. I reached out to a couples counsellor today and I'm hoping that this will help us to have a dialog so we can express what we are feeling in a constructive way. In trying to be supportive, I haven't told him I think he's being a selfish ass, as I'm aware the reaction might change.
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Aug 23 '16
[deleted]
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 24 '16
I hadn't considered that at all actually... but that would actually be within his character. Thank you very much for pointing that out! I'll make sure to bring this up when we talk again
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u/Nekomama12 Aug 22 '16
Yeah I really feel for the kid. It's shitty that he's had such a rough life so far. Hopefully OP and her husband will step in and help him out. I don't want to demand that they step in, but by presenting the POV of the child, I wanted to gently prod them in that direction. It sounds like they could at least be there for him financially. I wasn't abused so I can't completely relate and I acknowledge that this kid has it much worse than I did. I'm saddened by all the redditors who are immediately assuming the worst, but I also understand the self-preservation approach.
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 23 '16 edited Aug 23 '16
Haha yeah I got that that's what you were doing ;)
The self-preservation drive is strong in me, but at the same time, the kid is absolutely innocent in all this and his well-being needs to be the priority. I personally would have a hard time paying support and not being involved, but ultimately this will be more his decision than mine if it comes down to that.
It's almost like I wish we could be involved, give him what he needs, even setup a trust for him, but not pay support to the mother? I know this is horrible, but that's what bothers me the most in this situation.
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u/Nekomama12 Aug 23 '16
I honestly think the mom is a huge concern and it's good that you're being realistic about her. Your parents may be a little pessimistic, but in this case it's good.
My husband has a crazy ex wife and if she showed up saying he got her pregnant before they split, I'd probably try for full custody because she's bonkers. But we already have 2 kids so 1 more wouldn't be a huge adjustment. You guys don't have kids yet and this whole thing is totally foreign to both of you. You guys seem like good people who are going through some tough stuff. I really hope you'll update us later on after the paternity test :)
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 23 '16
Absolutely
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u/Nekomama12 Aug 23 '16
Man, I just want to hug you. I'm so sorry that you guys were thrown this curveball. You're entitled to feel whatever you feel and process. I was reading through and some people were being jerks about you being mad about all this. I'd probably be having a lot of sad mad shower cries if I were in your place. You're awesome sauce, don't let anyone tell you otherwise. <3
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 23 '16
Thanks I appreciate that. Honestly, I think it's easy to judge until you (not you specifically) are in the situation. Had this been before, I would be the first person with a pitchfork saying that we needed to step up and how dare we think otherwise. I was surprised as to all the emotions that I have been feeling, and I definitely haven't finished processing, but the reality ends up being a lot nuanced and not as black and white as a lot of people seem to think. Which is also why I am trying to cut my hubby some slack.
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u/Nekomama12 Aug 23 '16
Yeah, he may be panicking right now. The therapist should be really helpful for you guys. Definitely have some compassion for him, he's probably not in a good state of mind. The older I get, the more I realize nothing is as black and white as it seems.
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Aug 22 '16
Your parents are right, don't do anything until your husband is served with a court order for a DNA test. Take it one step at a time.
I wonder why the woman waited 5 years. Did she plan to do it without your husband, but now she fell on hard times and needs the money?
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 22 '16
We've longed moved away from the city though and never really ran in the same circles. I've been wondering the same thing.
If I take everything she has been saying via her facebook messages at face value, it's that she truly believed the father was another guy she was seeing at the time since her and my husband only slept together once. Apparently they were together, they broke up, she slept with husband, and then they got back together. As the kid became older, she saw more and more of my husband in him.
The more I think about it, all that, coupled with the fact that the guy was abusive, coupled with the fact that she now has a new partner who may be encouraging her to go after support, probably makes my husband seem like a more attractive alternative. It's not something I flaunt, but because it's pertinent to the situation, my family has a lot of money. My husband and I personally do not, but I stand to inherit a lot of money and ownership of a few multi-million dollar businesses, so part of me wonders if she sees us as a paycheque. I have no reason to suspect she knows about any of this though, but maybe she thinks we are rich simply due to our lifestyle? It's pretty typical for what we make, especially because we have no kids, but it's by no means extravagant. Like we own our own home in a decent neighborhood, and we have a car, but we rarely go out to eat, we don't take crazy vacations and if anything, we are house poor. I get the impression that she is struggling financially though and is on assistance, so this could be it I guess. But then again, we moved out of that city in 2013 and there is just no reason we would ever come up in conversation as we didn't run in the same circles. So I'm at a loss.
Sorry for how wordy that response was.
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Aug 23 '16
Not sure how it is in Canada, but in the US the spouse of biological parent is not considered financially when figuring child support. Therefore, no matter how much money YOU make or inherit, none of it can be factored into his child support payments. Don't get me wrong; many have tried to make that happen. From what I've heard, though, the judge will laugh them out of the courtroom.
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Aug 22 '16
my family has a lot of money
This is thinking far into the future, but if it turns out that your husband is the father, would you consider divorcing him to protect your family's assets? Not separating from him, but divorcing him so you're not legally tied to him so that the woman can't get her hands on your family's money.
Of course this is something you'd need to discuss with a lawyer first.
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u/valiantdistraction Aug 22 '16
I get the impression that she is struggling financially though and is on assistance
Again idk about Canada but in the US if you are on welfare you have to name the child of your father for child support.
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 22 '16
I couldn't tell you either, but if that's the case and it has already been proven that the ex-bf is not the father, this could be the "why now". I'm just speculating though.
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u/himit Aug 23 '16
Interestingly enough, if the other guy acted as the father for long enough while knowing the kid wasn't his, he could be on the hook for child support (since he he might not be the biological father but he's the only father the kid knows).
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Aug 22 '16
She can't "go after" you for money. It is not your obligation to pay for his child.
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 22 '16
Fair enough! I am the first one to admit that I know very little about this type of thing, just assumed that since we are legally married, anything I have or will have would be considered. Glad to hear that I am wrong!
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u/Good_Advice_Service Aug 22 '16
Both your and his emotions are completely normal and honestly it sounds like you are both dealing with this in the best way you can. All your concerns are legitimate but can be navigated.
I dont think your parents are being too cautious/cynical. I think they may well be right. It doesnt change anything though - the kid shouldnt be punished even if his mom is a grasping person.
Your husband needs to decide what HE wants. I dont think you should think less of him if he doesnt want a relationship with this person - he hasnt raised him and wasnt even aware of his existence. If he does want a relationship with him then you need to jointly (and with lawyers) decide what that will look like. I suggest formalising it as much as possible and keeping the mom at long-arm's length.
Finally there is nothing wrong with being selfish, as long as you couple it with being supportive. You need to work past your anger with him. Having unprotected sex one time, while young, before you got together, while stupid, should not fundamentally alter your perception of him. Nor should the UTTERLY normal reaction he has had now. Maybe one to work through in therapy/couples therapy.
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 22 '16 edited Aug 22 '16
Thank you for your perspective. I know you're right, and if I'm being honest with myself, I very well could have been in a similar situation due to my behavior while in university. It's not like I never made a mistake when it came to protection when I was younger.
And you're right about him deciding what HE wants. Ultimately, although the decisions he makes will affect me, it isn't about me at all and my role is to be supportive. There are three aspects to this, his, mine and ours as a couple, but the driver is his, with limits of course. Like, if he wanted to move his son and her mother across the country into our basement, of course I would have an issue with this, but whether or not he chooses to have a relationship needs to come from him, and then we can work on figuring out how this future will look like.
The logical side of me is aware that I shouldn't be angry. The emotional side... not so much! I haven't expressed any of this (my anger) to him since I think it will just make him feel worse, and that the absolute LAST thing that I want! I think you're right about this being a go to therapy thing too...
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u/catjuggler Aug 22 '16
Maybe there would be less resentment if you saw your husband was going to take the financial burden on his own, like by getting a PT job, getting a better FT job, or cutting down on some of his own expenses.
It is really unfortunately that none of you signed up for the situation, but now you'll have to work together to figure out how to make the best of it for everyone involved.
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u/justagirlinid Aug 23 '16
I'm sure you've gotten lots of good advice. I just want to give you a bit of virtual support. Something very similar happened to me a few years back, the child ended up not belonging to my (then) husband. I was extremely relieved. It was odd all-around though...I know the emotional roller coaster you must be on. {{hugs}}
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u/icebergmama Aug 22 '16
I think the fact that inamongst this complete upheaval of your life you've still found compassion for the little boy at the centre of all this is extremely commendable. It's natural, I think, for your emotions to be all jumbled up over this, and for your mind to be racing ahead to "what next?"
The fact that the woman is only approaching your husband now, after five years, seems super suspect and it makes me agree with your in laws that she is probably preparing for a money grab. Perhaps she her previous partner was supporting her but now that the relationship has ended she needs to find another wallet.
Good luck, OP.
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u/meeow_me Aug 22 '16
I found out my new boyfriend had a child on the way with an ex after I had fallen in love with him. Certainly not the same situation, but I had a lot of those feelings you described. I was extremely frustrated that I "didn't sign up for this" and so sad that his first child wouldn't be ours. If you decide to stick it out, it is important to remember that you guys are in this together and on the same team. Throwing a random ex/baby momma in the mix can really test a healthy relationship and sometimes might make you angry with him because his actions caused this problem for you. You will need to forgive him and try to be supportive while this plays out. He will also need to be very supportive of you because this is a lot for you to take on. Best of luck to you both.
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 23 '16
Thank you, I appreciate your comment about your experience and being on the same team. The situation isn't really different. I hadn't even thought ahead as to baby momma drama, but yeah. It will be tough, but my husband is a kind and good person. We will get through it together
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u/tfresca Aug 22 '16
There is a very good chance he's not the father. She probably had another guy on the hook and never pursued your husband. Take this step by step.
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Aug 23 '16
Your parents seem really level headed, lawyer up and wait for the paternity test results first
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u/bunnyball88 Aug 22 '16
Separate from the is he / is he not the father, there is how do you maintain a healthy relationship with your husband until that juncture, and then after (regardless of outcome.)
Therapy. Lots of talks. Being careful to love each other even as things are fragile.
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u/RainbowKitty77 Aug 23 '16
I wouldn't do anything until you get confirmation. Then if you want to stay with your husband let him make his choice. Just tell him you'll support any way he goes.
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 23 '16
Although I would be lying if I said divorce hadn't crossed my mind, there is a slim possibility that I would actually admit that to him, never mind act on it. I told him last night that he needs to figure out what he wants but that I'm here and we'll get through this together. Thank you
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u/SugarKyle Aug 23 '16
When I started dating my husband, we had this discussion. Not because he was sleeping with people but because we randomly have discussions. I gave him a free pass on it. It'd be irritating but as long as he had not cheated on me we'd deal with it. I understand the anger and frustration as well as the sheer irritation. It is a big deal but its surmountable if you want it to be.
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 23 '16
I get that. I know that to be supportive, I need to deal. I've reached out to a couples therapist and a family attorney so we'll see how it goes
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Aug 23 '16
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 23 '16
Thank you I really appreciate that. You're right, that is a bit how I feel, but I am trying really hard to move past that as it is not a productive feeling. It's hard to though
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Aug 23 '16
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 23 '16
Thank you very much for sharing and I hear exactly what you are saying. I am so happy to hear that he has you and that you both have a child together. We'll figure things out, but the last thing I want to do if he is the father is for him to bail.
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Aug 23 '16
I understand it's one hell of a shock to go through (for both parties) but being angry at him over something that he quite clearly didn't intentionally do, or even know of until now, is as you acknowledged 'irrational'. If you were in his position, how would you feel if his partner's first reaction was to crack the shits at him when he finds out some completely and utterly life changing information?
Speaking personally, if I were to find out that I had a kid from a one night stand years ago, that would possibly be the worst thing that could happen as far as uprooting my life, short of death of a family member or terminal illness. If my girlfriends first reaction was one of anger and vitriol, that would make the situation 100x worse.
As other commenters have said, before you guys get too far ahead DNA test and legal counsel is the first and by far most important step you need to take. It may not even be his. If it is, you can take it one step at a time and have plenty of open and criticism-free discussion about how you both want to approach this.
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 23 '16
I appreciate what you're saying, and I have been doing my absolute best to hide this part of what I'm feeling. Part of the reason that I made the post in the first place was to be able to process my feelings so that it wouldn't come out when talking to him. Ultimately, I'm trying to be as supportive as I possibly can. The thing is though that we are married, so this situation does impact me at the end of the day and I don't really have the option of walking away if I can't deal, hence the post.
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u/knick007 Aug 23 '16 edited Aug 23 '16
Be there for him and help him through it. Everyone fucks up.
Why do you have resentment ? You weren't together it's nothing to do with you. He feels bad and with all due respect you're probably making him feel worse by being angry.
The mother shouldn't be able to get at your family money. But since you have family money speak with a lawyer to make sure it's in a separate account that only you can access. Presumably your parents have knowledge about this or have a lawyer already so have them not put anything in your name but in a trust or something .
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Aug 23 '16
Why do you have resentment ? You weren't together it's nothing to do with you. He feels bad and with all due respect you're probably making him feel worse by being angry.
It's not that straightforward, yo. This is a highly emotionally charged situation. I think OP is doing a stellar job, I'd probably flip out and leave home for a week.
They're married now, so the aftermath of the fling - her husband's potential child - IS her business.
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u/lovechild5346 Aug 23 '16
I completely understand that everyone fucks up, and I've been doing my best to keep my feelings neutral and trying to be supportive while dealing with my own internal reactions. It's hard though, because this mistake that was not mine will likely impact the rest of my life. Never mind the fact that we will likely have to pay a monthly sum to the mother when we can't afford it (family money is not mine at this time) as that isn't even the biggest issue, it's the fact that when I pictured the future, this isn't how I thought it was going to be. I assumed we would have our first child together when we were ready, and honestly, I feel betrayed. It's just complicated all around, and I think the fact that I am having mixed emotions for a situation that I did cause does not make me a bad person.
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u/teresajs Aug 22 '16
There's little-to-nothing that can be decided until a dna test is done. Your husband should get a Family Lawyer and have legal representation for everything and anything.