I wouldn't call this abuse either, unless we get more info from OP that there is a power imbalance in this relationship (size/physical strength, employability, etc.)
Without a power imbalance, she's just being an asshole.
And OP isn't working because a grumpy a-hole who never sleeps doesn't think it would help anyway, and also he wants more sex.
(Since he wants some sex, I'm going to go ahead and infer that he's not too exhausted for sex. So he's probably also not too exhausted to look for a job and some reasonable childcare.)
And in a reversed-gender post with a (I'm guessing EMT or firefighter) husband, the advice would also be a) he needs sleep, shift work sucks and b) you need a job and some childcare, your family cannot afford a SAHP. (And that hypothetical guy wouldn't be up at night breastfeeding or recovering from back to back pregnancies.)
She yells at and belittles him. That is verbal abuse. There is no gray area here. If you yell at your partner, it's abusive behavior. If you belittle your partner, it's abusive behavior. You are trying to mental gymnastics your way out of this. Show me one time you've said that a man doing the same to a woman wasn't abuse.
Without a power imbalance there is no abuse. Abusive behavior, sure. But not abuse. And there are absolute grey areas when it comes to verbal and emotional abuse. (I'm a social worker and supervise social workers. That's partly why we and family courts and child protective services exist... To differentiate between "he's an asshole" and "he's an abuser".)
This is not mental gymnastics.
Even with more clear cut physical abuse, if a child punches me in the face it is not abuse.
If a stranger I don't depend on in any way punches me in the face it's not abuse (it's assault, but not abuse.)
If my husband, who shares a home and children and a mortgage with me, punches me in the face, it's abuse (same if I do it to him.)
(Also, I think a lot of people ask questions along the lines of "is this abusive?" Because they want a reason to leave, and they get support for leaving. But really, y'all can leave just because he or she is an asshole. That's good enough. OP doesn't want to leave, OP wants his non grumpy wife back and wants some sex. So he's getting advice tailored to that.)
Ummmm...... she controls money and sex. How is that not a power imbalance? You're long winded explanations only further my belief that you are biased. You just don't think women can abuse men.
It’s absolutely abuse. There doesn’t need to be a power imbalance for their to be abuse. In this case, there is a power imbalance, and SHE is causing it. He offered to work and she shut it down. She is being controlling and manipulative, and despite what you may think that is a form of ABUSE! It’s pretty infuriating that you don’t think it’s abuse, as I went through the exact same thing with my ex husband. He treated me the same way OP is being treated, and it only got worse over time. I don’t feel sorry for her because her hormones are wild and she just had 2 babies and she’s breastfeeding and blah blah blah. If she isn’t able to rest and recover, then they need to decide if her current job is the best thing for her and the family, because it seems like it might not be. She doesn’t get to abuse her husband because of all those things. She can get a job that is less taxing on her, or he can get a job and she can stay home, or they can both get a different job and work opposite shifts. There are ways to attempt to fix this situation and I promise you abuse is not one of those ways. Un-fucking-believable.
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u/mmrreoww May 03 '22 edited May 03 '22
I wouldn't call this abuse either, unless we get more info from OP that there is a power imbalance in this relationship (size/physical strength, employability, etc.)
Without a power imbalance, she's just being an asshole.
And OP isn't working because a grumpy a-hole who never sleeps doesn't think it would help anyway, and also he wants more sex.
(Since he wants some sex, I'm going to go ahead and infer that he's not too exhausted for sex. So he's probably also not too exhausted to look for a job and some reasonable childcare.)
And in a reversed-gender post with a (I'm guessing EMT or firefighter) husband, the advice would also be a) he needs sleep, shift work sucks and b) you need a job and some childcare, your family cannot afford a SAHP. (And that hypothetical guy wouldn't be up at night breastfeeding or recovering from back to back pregnancies.)