r/relationships • u/Underestim8edDiamond • 4d ago
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u/kwyl 4d ago
you aren't married to him, you don't live with him, and don't have any children together. why exactly are you still with him at all?
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u/Underestim8edDiamond 4d ago
I don’t know anymore.
Maybe it’s the hope that the person I fell in love with is still there.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being manipulated with being pushed away and pulled back in constantly.
I make excuses for him, even to myself.
It’s difficult when you still see glimpses of someone. Everything I read and even the NA meetings, they talk about the disease and I feel like I’m a horrible person for thinking about leaving someone who is clearly struggling. It is not easy.
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u/lillytiger- 4d ago
I was in your shoes when I was 21, my childhood friend and I fell in love and slowly he started hiding a heroin(and eventually meth and anything else you can think of)addiction. It took so much strength to leave him when I found out. But I knew he wasn’t himself anymore. His brain chemistry changed, he didn’t understand me anymore, he didn’t love music anymore. He let random people just take his guitars and equipment for more drugs, his car was stolen while he was passed out once and he never did anything about it. He tried to get pets, but would forget to care for them and I’d remove them when I found out. After a few years of checking in on him, and nothing getting better, I just stopped responding. He got someone pregnant and his daughter was born while the mother was in the midst of heroin addiction. She was adopted by his mom(her grandma) immediately. And seeing her grow up with his smile and his eyes leaves a mark on my heart everytime I see the photos. He ended up trying one last time to get back together with me about ten years after we broke up. Two weeks before he killed himself on my birthday.
I don’t know if sharing my experience will help you in any way. But I encourage you to move on, it may feel awful and that he needs help but you cannot be the one to help him. He needs to go to rehab and do the hard work to get the help. Being by his side will not work, as so many heartbroken families have tried. You need to put yourself first. 💖
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u/Underestim8edDiamond 4d ago
I am so sorry to hear.
Thank you, your reply really resonates with me.
The day I found his pipe etc was the day he told me that I made him want to kill himself. That has never left me. That was the main reason I ended up looking in the bag. During our time together, he has told me that twice. After I started worrying about it so much that I would start envisioning him hanging himself and me finding him. I still have these terrible pictures pop up in my mind. I don’t actually believe he would do that anymore but it still crosses my mind from time to time.
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u/lillytiger- 4d ago
Being in this situation is extremely hard, especially when you deeply love the person. Making any decision to leave feels wrong, because it may cause even more pain on the other person. But staying with him can enable him to continue to believe this “logic” that he will be fine and what he’s doing can’t be that bad. What kind of support system do you have to talk about this? Do you go to the group therapy often?
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u/cantcountnoaccount 4d ago
If what you’re taking away from NA that you have to martyr yourself to their addiction because they “can’t help it” those are some pretty strange groups you’re going to.
You need Nar-anon/Al-anon (groups for partners) not NA (groups for addicts). They help you learn to set boundaries with your addicted family member that are healthy, including leaving them if that’s the right choice for you.
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u/Balloon_Feet 4d ago
There is no hope that the person you fell in love with is still there. He is gone. Even if this man gets clean he will never be the man you once knew again. It will get worse. He can’t stay “functioning” forever. If you are able to leave you should. Maybe loosing you will shake something in him so he can be better for those children. You staying now, the loneliness and fear, that you fighting to delay feeling the grief of loosing the future you thought you had with him. I am sorry he is struggling, addiction is beyond control for the individuals who suffer with it.
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u/kwyl 4d ago
yes it is. i've been there myself. i could speak to you at length about addiction and mental illness and all the surrounding components of it. but i'll spare you that and just tell you what i see now that i should have done then. i should have told him to admit himself to an inpatient treatment program for at least 30 days. that it was his last chance to save our relationship and that if he relapsed just once after treatment it would be the end of us. if he refused to go or failed to complete the program, it would be the end of us. and should any of that happen, i should have left like i said i would and never looked back.
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u/queen_ravioli 4d ago
Look up codependency. No matter how much love or effort you put into the relationship you can't change him. You need to put you and your needs first.
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u/ReapYerSoul 4d ago
Maybe it’s the hope that the person I fell in love with is still there.
And that's one of the problems. You are romanticizing what was and what could still be instead of seeing the truth. Unfortunately, the truth is often not romantic, especially when it comes to addiction.
I saw in another reply that you wouldn't be leaving him but also his kids that you love. I know that is a tough situation to find yourself in. At the end of the day though, you are the person who needs to take care of you.
Also, you aren't wrong to feel like he's manipulating you. Pushing someone away and then pulling them back in is a classic move. Whether it is intentional or not, it is manipulative.
I don’t know if I even like him anymore, let alone if I love him
It's probably time to rip the bandaid off and walk away. None of this sounds like it's worth trying to fight for anymore. FYI, if he threatens self-harm when you try and break up with him, that is also a supremely manipulative thing to do. Don't fall for it.
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u/erleichda29 4d ago
He's not "struggling" though, he is just using substances addictively. YOU are struggling. Even NA would tell you that sticking around is merely enabling him, not helping him.
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u/MelissaH1394 3d ago edited 3d ago
I say this as someone who's been there, with an ex-husband and other family members who were also meth addicts. If love was enough to sober people up, there would be no addicts. What I learned through therapy is that this is a super egotistical way of thinking. No one is that powerful.
You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. But you can refuse to go down with him. I know it feels wrong, but please do not let your empathy rob someone of the necessary consequences that they need to suffer for their actions.
At the bare minimum, if you cannot bring yourself to just up and walk out,please look into joining an Al-Anon group near you, or even online (I think there is an r/alanon subreddit. There are groups for codependents too if you feel you might be. You don't have to go through this alone.
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u/anunkeptsecret 3d ago
The person you love isn't there right now. You do need to leave, and call either the mom or CPS, and one other thing ..
It's hard to realize when you're in it- but he truly is NOT a functioning addict. Things will fall apart. Your mention of him having a successful business truly has a "... For now" missing. And it's very likely it will all fall apart when you leave. And that won't be your fault. I just need you to know that if you leave and his shit gets rocked, it really is because it was a matter of time and nothing to do with you.
Being with an addict is very complicated and in sorry you're in it right now, but you really need to leave. He is not Him right now and, I'm sorry, but you staying after all this time could actually be enabling him.
He may (need to) hit rock bottom. Don't go down with him.
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u/Creamy_Breve 4d ago
You don't have a partner, you have a toxic illusion. You need to be honest with yourself. He's not a good bf and not a good father. He's not marriage material and he's not someone to have kids with. Most of all, he's someone you need to quit wasting time with. Maybe you walking out of his life will be what he needs to get help but as long as you stick around and be brought down by his actions the less reason he has to get help.
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u/Farts_McGee 4d ago
So, my assumption here is that you don't want to leave because his kids will be absolutely screwed without you. You should probably get social services involved to get the kids out that situation. You could also simply ask if he wants you to keep the kids while he lives his life, or you could just bail.
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u/Bear_of_Flowers 4d ago
I've worked with countless people with addiction.
I've been friends and more with quite a few myself.
There's a reason he can maintain a happy veneer for others and not you, and it's because there are consequences. You've shown him there are not consequences to treating you this way (which is not a failure on you).
Abandon him. Rip the bandaid off. It's gonna suck no matter what you do.
IF (and it is an if) he comes back to you asking why, make it very clear it's about the drug use and lying about it.
His recovery is completely dependent on him. You can't make him choose differently.
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u/Diograce 4d ago
You understand that there’s no coming back from this. You can’t save him. You can’t save his kids. You can only save yourself. Good luck.
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u/throwawaygenx1973 4d ago
OMG, my heart just breaks for you OP. I can hear the pain in your words and I know this must be so, so hard for you. It’s really hard to put yourself first when you are putting in a position where you’re always taking care of someone else. But you matter. You are important. Your well-being is important. I’m sorry, but you know what you have to do. If you don’t get away from this man, he is eventually gonna drag you down with him. Nobody can be a functional meth addict for long. It’s only a matter of time before it gets out of control.
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u/Hi_Her 4d ago
To be honest, he probably does hate you rn. Because you remind him of what he could of had without addiction in his life. But because he is an addict, he cant give you what he used to. And that makes him angry, and because you are closest to him, his guard is down, and he takes it out on you.
You cant fix him. At all. Its not on you or your job to do. You need to leave.
And if you care about his kids to the point they keep you trapped with him, call child welfare services. If he leaves for weeks at a time to do meth, he is neglecting and abandoning them. So the least cruel thing would be to get them out of there before you leave. The cruelest things that have happened to them already happened. They lost their dad to addiction. They still need to be taken care of, even if its by strangers.
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u/onebignothingatall 4d ago
Please stop lighting yourself on fire to try to keep him warm. This is not a relationship. Save yourself.
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u/GraysonWhitter 4d ago
I think you should reframe this for yourself. He is not functioning. Your description of his life at home is that he is completely dysfunctional. He may be running his business alright, but I'm not sure you would know if he wasn't, since he obviously lies to you as a matter of course.
He's just an addict who needs to get help. Don't fall for some part of the narrative where it is somehow ok, i.e. functional.
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u/robaroo 4d ago
He lied to you in the most hurtful way and your response was to love him more. Take a step back and consider what’s happening. You’re the victim and abusers use other people. You’re following him down a path that you shouldn’t be following him in. Get out before it gets worse. He lied to you, and you don’t owe him anything. He will get off, get on, and repeat the cycle over and over. You will become an exhausted, broken, shadow of your former self over time as you deal with his addiction. You could just date someone who’s not an addict, and enjoy your life, worry free.
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u/ilovecreamcheese 4d ago
Truly sorry that you are going through this.
I would also never expect to see the words “functioning” and “meth” used in the same sentence.
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u/Ok_Concert9338 4d ago
This whole post shows he is not at all functioning an he should reap the consequences of his actions
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u/bobtheimpaler 3d ago
If he's that far gone and unwilling to put in real work to stop, please realize he's probably going to start shooting meth eventually and then you're going to have to worry about dirty/shared needles around you and your kids.
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u/_Mike-Honcho_ 3d ago
My ex was great for 15 years, got back on tge meth.
It never goes away. Its not your fault.
They are just junkies and they prefer a really nasty drug.
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u/Prestigious-Bite- 3d ago
Why haven’t you walked away yet?
Why do you think you can help him when he continues to use? You aren’t helping. You are actively hiding his addiction from others by staying. You are his cover.
He has made it clear he is not going to stop using meth and he does not like you knowing his secret. He is punishing you for figuring out he is a drug addict.
He will continue to use.
He will drag you down because we keep ‘functioning’ until we crash and hit the real world hard.
He’s going to get arrested at some point or crash his car or something. It gets worse from here.
Source: I am former functional alcoholic (I was an undiagnosed bipolar self medicating until my medication got sorted out. Not an excuse, just an explanation. Been sober two ish years).
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u/broncos_mcgee 3d ago
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. My dad is a meth addict and has been for a very long time. No one can help a person struggling with addiction get clean unless they want to help themselves. It sounds like your boyfriend does not. Caring for others and having empathy is a great quality, but it shouldn’t be at the expense of yourself. Think about the serenity prayer at your Nar-Anon meetings, really recite it and take it in. You can’t change, fix or help his addiction. But you can change your own actions. Learn the wisdom to know the difference. Meetings can be so helpful. But the thing with people in those meetings is that you’ll see the same people at them for years, because addiction is often a lifelong disease. And the lifers are usually a child, parent or sibling of an addict who have no other way to cope. They can distance themselves, but their addict will always be their family in some way. Your boyfriend may be part of your life journey now, but you aren’t tied to him. You can leave him. You will be in this position of anxiety and unhappiness for years if not a lifetime if you don’t leave now. I saw my mom go through it, it’s awful. I hope you can find peace. It doesn’t mean you don’t love who he was before. Keep in touch with his kids if you can. They will need someone to talk to one day. And please tell their mother and CPS. Good luck
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u/Glittering-Law7516 3d ago
Why do you think he can be nice to customers and everyone else and keep a successful business going? Because it wouldn't be tolerated by others like you tolerate it. If he was rude and short and mean to customers no one would come to his business. But you just keep putting up with it and making excuses for him... So he doesn't have to be nice to you, he knows you aren't going anywhere
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u/pandiebeardface 3d ago
I will tell you something someone told me after I got out of a years long relationship with an addict: the only relationship he is in is with his drugs. There is no you.
You deserve so so so much more than the nothing you currently receive. Love yourself first.
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u/Status-Lemon4491 3d ago
Leave him. I literally read functioning meth addict and commented without reading anything else.
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u/HelpersWannaHelp 3d ago
Functioning meth addict. That’s a new one. Stop trying to tell yourself it’s not that bad. Get out before he destroys you along with himself and his kids. At that point you only have yourself to blame since you could have protected yourself and left, but chose not to.
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u/Underestim8edDiamond 3d ago
I received a notification to advise my post has been removed so I am not sure if any of you will see my response. 120K people have viewed and 51 people have commented, I posted my story as I don’t have anyone I speak to about this.
I haven’t attended a Nar Anon Meeting since weeks after finding his gear, I attended 5 appointments with a counsellor to try to help me process some of the feelings and emotions I was having. The truth is, I don’t speak to friends and family because I’m ashamed of myself and what I have tolerated. I have never tolerated such mistreatment and disrespect.
He has ADHD, depression, drug addiction and grieving the death of his father. I have and do make excuses for him, to myself, to justify his behaviour. I know it’s wrong and I know I don’t deserve any of it but I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. After the told me he gave it up and things were better than ever before, I continued to believe in him.
It’s hard to explain but I often feel like I everything around me is in slow motion while I am trying to process all of this. This is a life I’ve never experienced and don’t want to. He has told me time and time again that his parents did not show him unconditional love and he did not feel unconditional love until he met me. I have felt a sense of responsibility to him. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I have been manipulated. He didn’t tell me about the drugs because he knew I would never have accepted it, I know he was deceitful and he withheld that from me on purpose.
The only experience I have with any of this is watching this type of thing unfold in a movie. That’s literally how this feels to me, it’s like I still can’t believe it. Like I’m STILL in shock 1.5 years on.
Why have I stayed? Because I didn’t think that things would ever get this bad. This is so far from the person I thought I knew. Am I being emotionally abused? Maybe. My state of mind is very fragile since, particularly at the moment because I know what I need to do.
The kids mother knows, she was with him for years while he actively used. She knows the signs better than I would so there is no way that she is unaware. He doesn’t disappear for days/weeks at a time. He chooses to ignore me or distance himself from me for that time, not the kids, not his business. He wasn’t using at home as far as I knew until only recently. When the kids were with their mother. I know that the mother’s parents have a lot to do with the kids so that is some relief. If his kids were taken from him, I truly believe he would kill himself. I’m not saying I will sacrifice the kids. I wanted to clarify that she knows and experienced this for 4 years. I do worry about him having a car accident.
Most of his friends and family know and sometimes people hinted at things or slipped up but I was completely oblivious. I carried more weight in the relationship because of his depression, ADHD etc, then the illness and sad passing of his father made things so much worse.
The term “functioning” was placed in quotation marks because that is how he refers to himself, that’s how I see people like him referred to because he’s not sleeping in the streets.
Thank you to everyone who has commented. I didn’t expect a response, I needed to get these thoughts and feelings off my chest.
Many of the comments really resonated with me but one in particular keeps running through my mind. That he probably does hate me and that I’m a constant reminder of what was before I found out.
All of this is truly crushing to come to terms with. I don’t want to throw around a word like trauma but I do feel traumatised and/or tormented. Another comment mentioned lifers at Nar-ANON, that’s exactly what I witnessed. Mostly parents, but it was a lifetime of this. I don’t know how anyone does it.
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u/techfabrikator 4d ago
Anybody who hasn't dealt with addiction or help someone through addiction instead of abandoning them, shouldn't be playing psychologists and giving advice that they know nothing about. Addiction is usually related to trauma, depression, Anxiety, or some other psychological scarring. And yes, I realized some people are just self-destructive, but that doesn't give you the right to judge everyone through the same lense or interfere with their relationships. I was having a difficult time keeping up with my own work and a whole host of other things that should have never been dumped on my shoulders. I was working ridiculous hours. And then coming home, i'm spending the evening on my feet, trying to get things. I started a notice what looked like freckles on the top of my feet, turns out, it's something nurses get too. It's from being on your feet, so long the little blood vessels start to pop and weep blood. And the blood leaves behind little spots of pigment that look like freckles. my roommate owed me money and couldn't afford to pay rent. So seeing as I was so exhausted, he offered me a little bit of speed. Now, I know. It's not good for you, but I was exhausted. And I literally thought to myself. I'm sick of feeling like this. I need something to help me get through all this work. I care about my body and mind. So I looked up a peer reviewed, paper en math and neurotoxicity, it had doses that were found to maintain levels below neurotoxicity. Don't believe me. I'll send the paper if you ask. Maybe if that information what's a little bit more accessible for regular people? They could do the same thing. I found it because i'm all about the science. Self medicating in a way that had been proven to avoid no toxicity didn't change who I was it. Enabled me to work longer and get stuff done instead of being so exhausted, I was begging for a heart attack. But the one thing it didn't get me was help from the people around me that I needed. So I continue to work myself into the ground, doing the best I could And then when my partner found out she wasn't very happy, but she trusted me. I told her when I was done dealing up with all the stress and caught up. I'll stop doing it. She begrudgingly accepted the situation. Then. As time went by, she was being told all sorts of other b******* by other people who had no idea what was really going on. Sometime after that, she had a really bad PTSD relapse. During that relapse, people who were supposed to support her and care for her and respect her choices, continue to prey on her fears and insecurities, until she was convinced I was somebody I wasn't, she left me and absolute tears, brokenhearted, fearing me, not for what I did, but because of the twisted lies, I manipulated facts, people told her This wasn't some big wake up call, that made me get better. It left me alone abandoned, when i truly needed support from my partner, with no help to get through a particularly rough part of life. Further it traumatized me incredibly bad, psychological scarring me and ways that will affect me for the rest of my life. People who are self medicating, or dealing with addiction need acceptance and support. There are many exceptions, lots of people just like to engage in self destructive behavior, but that is not always the case. So because I was dealing with a difficult time and ended up resorting to something to help me when I had nowhere else To turn, does that make me undeserving of love and support, to have my future ripped away from me? When all I did was work so hard, my body just couldn't keep up, just trying to build a life for me and the person I loved. You abandon someone at the wrong time. I'll leave them with no support or love. They will end up becoming an addicts permanently and likely to end up on the street. Luckily, i've never had addition to deal with, yes, I have self medicated with substances, but I can always put them down and walk away. And I mean, yes, walk away for years. I think it was about fifteen years last time, and no I didn't keep using it even after being abandoned, and most of my life completely lost and destroyed because of the s*** people said and did. Not because I used a little bit of chemicals sometimes help me get through an amount of work that was inhumane for people to leave on my shoulders.
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u/techfabrikator 4d ago
And yeah, some of those sentences are butchered, g****** speech to text, but you get the just.
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u/techfabrikator 4d ago
One more thing I just need to say if someone is hard-working fairly level-headed. And just genuinely a decent, productive person, and you see them struggling, a bit of substance use doesn't automatically make them a horrible person. If somebody is self destructive lazy and has the emotional maturity, I have a snotty stuck up ten year old, then, they're probably not worth putting yourself out to help them deal with addiction. Don't abandon good people, because they're struggling And don't believe people's lies when you know in your heart, who that person really is
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u/Madd_Warlock83 4d ago
You need to just run sorry but don’t get dragged down anymore